Your Wife Might Not Actually Be Hiding The Remote

Donkey Dialogue Yes, he actually said that

Remote Location

Scene: The Donkey and Wife are conducting a family meeting with the kids when the television suddenly turns on.

Donkey: Ok. Who has the remote? (annoyed at the 10th interruption)

Wife: I don’t think anyone has it. I think Tivo just came off of pause.

Donkey: I think someone is sitting on it. Everyone check under the cushions.

Donkey: (to the wife) You need to check too. You are always sitting on the remote.

Wife: Obviously I am not sitting on the remote; I’m sitting on the floor.

Donkey: Well, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check every crevasse. Who knows where it could be?

Wife: I refuse to check based on that comment.

Note: the remotes were later found behind the couch. The Tivo probably did come off of pause during the meeting.

by The Donkey and The Wife
February 10, 2009

Valentine’s Day Traditions: Celebrate Marriage

From The Wife

Girls’ Choice

Do you dread Valentine’s Day or look forward to it?  Do you view it as one of the best days of the year, or is it just another day that has been corrupted by consumerism?  Before I married The Donkey, my best Valentine’s Day memories were all from elementary school; my school’s tradition was a morning at the skating rink, lunch at McDonalds, and the afternoon exchanging/opening Valentine’s cards.  The skating trip was always a highlight of the year; the most anticipated moment came when the DJ announced the “Girls’ Choice” song.  This would be the only 3-5 minutes out of each year that I would hold hands with a boy–even if we did spend the rest of the year calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now the Donkey and I have developed our own Valentine’s Day traditions… The first few years consisted of him asking, “So… what am I supposed to do for you tomorrow (Valentine’s Day)?”, and me snapping, “You aren’t supposed to ask about it, you’re just supposed to do it!”   It took me too many years to realize that the poor guy needed a bit more direction than that, but we finally started communicating and planning the day together.  We would negotiate things like where we would go and whether or not we should buy presents.  I was worried that planning ahead would take the fun and surprise out of it all, but it sure beats the “fun” and “surprise” of no restaurant reservations being made, and no gifts being exchanged.

Our newest tradition started a couple years ago, when someone suggested we attend a marriage seminar (can’t imagine why anyone would think we needed marriage education, right?).  It turns out a lot of communities host marriage celebrations and conferences the week of Valentine’s Day.  We have enjoyed banquet dinners, local entertainment acts, and expert lectures–where of course we spend most of the time nudging each other, making sure the important points are being understood and committed to memory.

It might not be “Girls’ Choice” at the skating rink, or a perforated Transformers card signed by my “boyfriend,” but attending marriage celebration night is a tradition I hope we continue.

What are your Valentine’s Day traditions? Share an idea in the comments…

Related Posts

Husband Hopeless at Gift-Giving? Tell Him What You Want
Boring Date Nights? Break Up the Movie Monotony
Big List of Date Ideas: Classic, Creative, Adventurous, Meaningful, and More

Looking for a marriage event in your community or other marriage education resources? See SmartMarriages.com, Marriage Week USA

Read more in: From The Wife
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by The Wife
February 9, 2009

From The Farm: Memoirs Of A Michigan Country Girl: Entry #3

From The Farm

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

May 3 – The Fair

I am expecially excited today. Ezekiel asked me to the county fair. He invited me by thowin’ his old boot through my window. I am sad to report that he broke my ceramic jewelry box shaped like a grain silo. When I lifted the top it made a mooing noise. The good news is that inside his boot was a note that said, “You will be fairer at the fair with me.” He’s dreamy!

We went to the fair and had a gay old time even though there weren’t much attracshuns. Uncle Moses (I don’t think he is my uncle, but everyone calls him that) was spinning people on the ‘Piknik-Tron.’ He put the top of the piknik table on some type of gear and then he would hold the table and run around in a circle while we sat on top. Ol Joe (he is actually old but I don’t know when people gave him that name) was giving kids a ride on a ‘Ferrus Water Wheel.’ He brought his water wheel from his crick and attached a lever to the side of it. Then we would line up, jump on the wheel, and croutch down on the little steps. He pushed us around and around as we followed in a line trying to jump on the steps. It was sure fun going up, but it was a dandy coming down. Jethro got stuck under the wheel and we had to shut er down for a while. The final event was a ‘hog wrastle.’ You had to enter a fenced in pen and get a pig in a potato sack while bein blindfolded. If you caught him you got to take him home and eat him. To confuse people, they put a bunch of other animals in the pen. I thought I won, but when I opened my sack the only thing in there was brainless Bobby Lee. He snuck in the pen and snorted like a pig. I rilly thought I picked a winner. Apparently it was a real hoot for onlookers – or should a say a real oink. I’m funny.

Ezekiel walked me home and picked some grass for me along the way. A dandelion got stuck in the handful of grass and made it real pritty. I like that boy.

by The Donkey
February 4, 2009

Reacting to Your Wife’s Phone Call While You are Busy at Work

From The Donkey

I Just Called To Say I Love You

The other day at work the phone rang and my coworker excitedly said, “Oh, it’s my wife calling… (cutesy voice): ‘Hello honey.’” He proceeded to speak to her in a very unfamiliar tone – almost like a googoo gaagaa way. I at first laughed, but then thought to myself, “Why don’t I answer like that when my wife calls?”

Certainly my coworker and I each love our respective wives, but we must be on some kind of continuum that identifies our relationship with our wives. You might not think that the response to your wife’s phone call is correlated to your relationship, but it is. I have drawn up the following ‘Spousal Phone Response Continuum’.  Have a look and see where you fall.   For this to work you need to consider what your reaction would be during a busy day (state of stress).

(click chart to enlarge)

Has anyone had experience moving along this continuum?  Leave a comment about where you fall and why.

by The Donkey
January 28, 2009

He Said She Said: Can A Husband Use Some Of His Wife’s Surplus Medicine?

Great Debate Take a Side

A quick note from The Wife: So, The Donkey is on yet another “Business Trip” (Vacation).  Have I ever mentioned that the trips he takes are often optional, and typically he gets to choose when, where, and which trainings/conferences he wants to attend?  Well, he just happened to find another one in NYC, which just happens to be close enough for his brothers to drive out and crash his hotel room, eat junk food, and play board games all night…  Meanwhile, he just emailed me to request that I put a post up.  I of course have nothing but free time here at home with the boys and the new baby, right?  So, I found a draft of a post that The Donkey wrote a while ago, while I was busy at the hospital (he was free to post on his own–and he wrote a lot–but didn’t manage to publish much, since he can never quite figure out how to do things without me). He wrote my side of the following argument, and my views aren’t represented accurately, I still think I can win this argument.  Why don’t you decide…

Pill Popped

My wife was prescribed a bottle of Percocet after her c-section. She must have only used 3-5 pills and then put the bottle into the medicine basket. A few weeks later I found the pills and said, “Boy, these will come in handy next time I am really sick.” She got very agitated and said that I could not use the pills. Things got heated recently when I became very ill and could not sleep. My brother was over and I was telling him that I would be able to sleep because my wife had some medicine. She got mad, ran up the stairs, locked the door, and flushed the pills. My brother and I were speechless as she came back down with a smile on her face as we heard the tinkling of pills clank down our pipes as they swam off to destroy themselves so no further innocent people could be tempted.

He said

Is sharing medicine really that crazy of an idea? Hasn’t everyone used some of their spouse’s medicine before? You won’t catch me using any of her hormone pills or birth control, but you would catch me using her Penicillin, Ibuprofen, and other common medicines. In fact, she has suggested several times for me to take one of her 800mg Ibuprofen pills when I have had a headache or a sore muscle. If sharing medicine is really that big a deal, then why did she suggest this? Furthermore, why would she save the pills months after she no longer needed them? Clearly The Wife was taking things too far when all I needed was a little break from some terrible chest and head pain. Need I say more?

UPDATE: Good news. Like manna from heaven, I found a bottle of Codeine that was prescribed to me last year when I crashed into a tree on a rope swing. There was a single pill left. Looks like I will be sleeping tonight.

She Said (The Donkey responds for the wife since she is too busy):

Can someone please call poison control and an abuse hot line? My husband must have stability issues right now to think of committing a 3rd degree felony. (I think that is what the crime is, but I’m not sure. I read about it on my friend’s blog and she is pretty smart so it must be accurate.) Clearly he is headed down a road of abuse and criminal activity. In fact, I was watching Oprah and she said there are people who live in vans parked on the sides of streets and they sell this stuff to guys who have headaches and the flu.

My husband makes a great point about the Ibuprofen. I did suggest that he use it, but I think there is a big difference between over-the-counter medicine and prescribed medicine. Oh wait, they were both prescribed. Never mind that. The point is I saw this show called House and the main character got addicted to something because he had some leg pain. My husband said he had his thigh muscle removed, but that doesn’t matter.

At the end of the day you shouldn’t share medicine. The person with the illness most likely opened the bottle and got germs on the lid. Why in the world would we want another person opening this same lid only to have now contracted the illness and really need the very same prescription? It doesn’t make sense.

What do you think?  vote in the poll
UPDATE: This poll is now closed.  View results here.
by The Donkey and The Wife
January 27, 2009

Don’t Tell Your Wife that Someone Had to Talk You Out of a Terrible Gift

Wife Lessons Learn from Donkey's mistakes, even if he cant

Lesson 28: It’s The Thought That Counts (Against You)

You may think this post sounds familiar, and it should. Last year I explained that telling your wife about a gift you wanted to get her doesn’t actually count unless you buy it: Lesson 2: It’s Not The Thought That Counts

Well, the lesson was slightly different in a recent experience.

Lesson 28: Don’t tell your wife about the bad gift you almost got her.

As inevitable as it is every December, the time once again neared for my wife to celebrate her birthday. I couldn’t think of anything to get her and was too scared to ask her since she always wants it to be a surprise. I was lamenting about the situation to my coworkers when I suddenly noticed something on my shelf. There, tucked behind some books, was a bouquet of fake flowers. This bouquet was placed in my office as a joke some years back, but I never bothered throwing it away. As I looked at the arrangement of flowers, a light bulb turned on and I realized I had a present to give my wife. I excitedly told my coworkers about the idea, but they weren’t as sold on it. They said something about it being ugly. Whatever. I decided not to give my wife the flowers.

I came home and told my wife about the entire thing and tried to laugh it off. I noticed that she wasn’t laughing. I was then told that telling my wife about bad presents I didn’t buy was worse than good presents that I didn’t buy.

My Suggestion: Just don’t talk to your wife about presents at all. Instead, buy 3-4 possible gifts. Hide them and then provide the gifts one at a time until you feel like you have met your wife’s expectations. You can then return the other gifts that were unused.

Read more in: Wife Lessons
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by The Donkey
January 5, 2009

Time Is Running Out To Get Your Wife’s Christmas Presents

From The Donkey

I still haven’t purchased anything for my wife, and I think it’s because I am afraid of getting something I will regret. Here are some of the worst purchases I have ever made:

  • Purple bathrobe complete with a baby chick popping out of an egg on the back (I’ll have to post a photo someday)
  • Index cards
  • Frying pan
  • Re-gifted picture book
  • Sticky notes

I saw a JCPenney commercial recently that highlights the fact that husbands don’t always choose the best presents. Use your last shopping days wisely.

You can also view the video clip here

Happy Hunting… just be careful!

by The Donkey
December 23, 2008

Greeting Card Giveaway

Rewarding Our Readers You deserve it

Season’s Greetings

It’s The Wife here.  I’ve been away too long, leaving The Donkey to blog uncut.  This has resulted in some poor grammar, a few one-sided debates, and a recent post revealing more about me and my milk than anyone ever wanted to know.

I have been attempting to re-surface to the real world for quite some time since our baby’s traumatic birth and subsequent 3-month hospital stay.  Just when the baby is home and doing well, and I think I have life under control, something else will happen–like The Donkey coming down with a Man Cold, or announcing that he is being “forced” to take a week-long business trip (vacation) soon, or asking me if I’ve finished getting everything ready for Christmas yet…

I’ve been so cooped up at home (the new baby can’t be out and about until Spring) that I could have easily missed the fact that the Holidays are even upon us.  Thankfully, I am reminded daily by fun holiday movies, sappy jewelry commercials, and daily email requests for our home address so people can send out their holiday cards.  I’m still working on my thank you cards for the baby, so I haven’t even thought about Christmas cards yet.  Maybe I’ll get something out by Groundhog Day.  Actually, that may be fitting this year, since that’s about how my life feels right now… Wake up, feed baby, go back to sleep, wake up to feed baby, wake kids up, feed kids, feed baby, put kids to naps, feed baby, get kids out of naps, tell kids not to kiss baby too much, feed baby, tell husband not to kiss baby too much, feed family, get kids to bed, feed baby, go to bed, wake up, try to get husband to wake up to feed baby, get up to feed baby…

So, yeah… I’m just not too sure how to fit Christmas cards in this year.  What about you?

Personalized Card Giveaway

To enter: Leave a comment on this post, answering the following questions:

Have you sent out Holiday Cards yet?  Why or Why not?

Prize: 5 lucky winners will receive a $20 gift certificate, redeemable at sugarhouseink.com.  Sugarhouse Ink offers personalized announcements for all of life’s most important occasions… seasonal greetings, thank you notes, birth announcements, wedding announcements, birthday invitations, graduation announcements, milestones, moving announcements, etc…

Contest ends: Wednesday, December 17th, 11 pm Eastern (New York, USA). 5 winners will be drawn at random.

UPDATE: This contest has ended, and comments are now closed.  Congratulations to our winners: Chelsea, Ginkgo100, Jolie, Erika, and Ladybird!

P.S. Apparently The Donkey is a pretty good editor after all.  He just skimmed this post and reminded me to tell you that really things aren’t that bad.  We’re thrilled that the baby is home and healthy!  Thanks for all your well-wishes along the way.  Now… enter the contest!

by The Donkey and The Wife
December 16, 2008

Breast Milk Color Doesn’t Identify What Your Wife Has Eaten

Donkey Dialogue Yes, he actually said that

Milk and Cookies

Scene: The Wife has just pumped milk into some bottles. The Donkey notices the bottles as he is cleaning the pump.

Donkey: Why is your milk green?

Wife: Breast milk always has a bluish tint.

Donkey: What? I never heard of that. Anyway, this is green. Were you sneaking some green-frosted sugar cookies?

Wife: Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t tell what I have eaten by the color of the milk. Besides, I don’t need to sneak cookies. I can eat them whenever I want.

Donkey: When I donate plasma it is different colors depending on what medicine I have taken and what I have eaten. I am going to check the cookie plate.

Wife: Whatever.

by The Donkey and The Wife
December 14, 2008

From The Farm: Memoirs Of A Michigan Country Girl: Entry #2

From The Farm

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

April 26

It’s a beautiful day today. Me and Liza-Jane chased frogs up and down the crick. It was great fun. Then we pretended that Sampson was Paul Bunyon and he chased us up and down the crick. Ma got mad because I forgot to churn the butter and it spoilt. I think my birthday is coming up soon. Pa said isn’t until the winter, but I think he’s foolin’. I hope I get one of those hula-hoops so I can stop trying to spin that old bike tire around my waist. It just don’t feel good and it roons my Wranglers. Later tonight we’re gonna have a neighborhood hoedown. I think Ezekiel is gonna be there. I’m fixin to kiss him if he lets me. Ma wouldn’t never allow it, but I say, “Why not?” A country girl ain’t gonna wait forever for love.

by The Donkey
November 14, 2008
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