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Lesson 30: The bald and the beautiful

Having hair is the bane of my existence. I hate having hair because I have to shower regularly, I have to pay to get it cut, and it makes me itchy. I recently shaved my head again since it is starting to get warmer and I love it. I try to push head-shaving on everyone. Unfortunately I discovered last week that there are bounds on who I can push my agenda on.

Lesson 30: Don’t shave your kid’s head unless you get approval from your wife

My wife was at the gym the other morning, and I was laying in bed when my kids jumped on me. I noticed how long their hair was and remembered that my wife tasked me with getting them haircuts that day. Several of my kids have heads that are not conducive to a bald look, but my two-year-old (Dimples) has a pretty good shaped head. An impulse went through my mind and I tried to suppress it, but I was taken over by the desire to recruit a fellow skinhead. I grabbed the clippers and began shaving my son’s head. I developed a justification just in case my wife got mad when she saw what I did. I would say, “It was all an accident. I was just trying to practice giving him a haircut and things didn’t go well, so I was forced to shave his head.”

You should be able to fill in the blanks from there based on the fact that you are reading this. Anger, frustration, and sadness are just some of the emotions that my wife experienced when she saw his hair. I provided my justification and explained that we would now be saving $5 a month since my son no longer needed a haircut. These points were disregarded by my wife and I spent the next few hours on the hot seat.

My suggestion: If you really want to shave your kids head, but don’t want to take the blame, do this: Bring your kid to the haircutters. Stand next to the barber as he cuts your kid’s hair. Pretend that you are pointing to a spot on your kid’s head and “accidentally” bump the barber’s hand as he is making a crucial cut or shave. The barber will be forced to shave the rest of the head and you can place the blame on someone else when you report back to your wife.

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

June 18 -Last Day Of School

I can’t beleave school is finally over! We had 4 or 5 make up days since school got closed after Mr. Swartzendruber’s cow died in the classroom. They had to saw the beast up to get him out and it took days to scrub the blood off the wood floor and get the stink out. Mrs. Brenneman wouldn’t let us out until we all proved we could count to 20 and tell the diffrunce between d and b. I was so mad cause Jed kept sayin seventy-teen insted of seventeen. I guess that’s what happens when you and all your kin are in the same grade.

Ezekiel got to ring the bell and then we all ran out to the Stutzma’s store for sum horehound candy. Then me and Ezekiel went to his house and he rode me in the wheelbarrow all around the farm. It sure was fun. I got to look into his blue eyes. It reminded me of the water in grandma’s well.

Silly Serenade

One of my favorite artists is Weird Al Yankovic. I own all of his albums, have been to many concerts, and have been a member of his fan club since the early 90s. He has so many songs that I like, but his recent single really strikes a chord with me, in terms of how I feel about my wife.  It’s called Whatever You Like, and  is a parody of T.I.’s #1 hit (also entitled Whatever You Like).

There isn’t a video yet, but here’s the audio:

My sister and her husband heard the song and said they could imagine me singing this to my wife. Here are a few of the lines that could be applied to our marriage:

• And we can clip coupons all night
• Take you out for dinner, anywhere that you please, Like Burger King or Mickey Ds. I said you can even have the large fry
• At Wal-mart she can pick out anything she want
• Do you think you could chip in for gas?
• Mac and Cheese would be all right
• It’s all about the Washingtons, that’s right
• Thrift store jeans on sale half-price

While I have never been one to serenade my wife, this may be a good time for me to start.  I think she’ll really like it.  In fact, I should probably start working on a playlist for her of Weird Al’s most romantic songs… How can I go wrong?

Putting Money into Your Pocket

Tough economic times may be upon us, but I have solutions for freeing up a little money at home–and rewarding myself in the process.

I have been working with some managers at work to implement a Kaizen program. This is a Japanese term that means continuous improvement, and is often referred to in lean manufacturing. The purpose is to look for opportunities to improve processes or increasing efficiencies, thus reducing costs. Many companies give a small percentage of the savings to the employee(s) who suggests the cost-saving idea.

I propose establishing a Kaizen program in the home. My wife has been pushing a new budgeting program on everyone, and my spending money is in jeopardy. But if I can propose ideas to reduce costs, then I think I should receive a percentage of the saving for in my spending allowance. I also think I should receive a percentage if I can find ways to increase our income. Here are some ideas I have come up with:

The Donkey’s Suggestions for improving The Financial Situation at Home:

• Wear underwear for a week straight, thus reducing laundering costs.
• Change baby diapers twice a day or switch to cloth diapers. (Husbands wouldn’t be at home to change the cloth diapers, so it’s a great proposal.)
• Shave everybody’s heads in the home. This reduces the need to visit the barber. I also propose shaving your wife’s head. You could have her hair made into a wig. This would be a significant up-front cost, but over time you would continue to shave her head while she wears a professional looking wig.
• Buy your wife a pair of jeans for Christmas that are a size or two too small. The tightness of these jeans will constrict her stomach and reduce food intake.
• Early morning paper route. This is great if you have a new baby since your wife would be up feeding the baby anyway. She could finish the entire route before you leave for work.
• Cancel the Internet at home. Not only does this save $50 each month, but it forces your wife to go to the library to use the Internet. This will also reduce snacking by all who would have otherwise been hanging out in the house.  If she decides not to go use the internet elsewhere, it will at least cut down on the development of symptoms discovered on the internet.
• Have everyone in the house take a bath in the same water. Sure it sounds gross, but if you have little kids they won’t even notice. Be sure to get in there first though, and don’t fill the bath up too much.
• Enroll family members into product testing marketing programs. Whether it’s toothpaste, shampoo, or food, there is always something someone in your family could be trying out for a little extra cash.
• Stop using the bathroom at home or simply wait until the evening to flush toilets. Schedule bathroom trips to the library, neighbor’s house, or convenience store

What are other cost saving/income generating ideas do you have?

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Lesson 29: Kids do say the darndest things, just don’t laugh at them

I’m not sure why I am shocked when a little kid says some crazy thing, but it gets me every time. I’ll never forget when our oldest son saw me step out of the shower several years ago (when he was very young). He blurted out, “Daddy, your [private part] has a mustache.” Although not as shocking, my kids’ quotes recently made me laugh again.

Lesson 29: Don’t laugh when your kids call your wife ‘obese’ or ‘a beast’.

We’ve had a Wii Fit for nearly 6 months now and have only recently opened the box. Our family was gathered around the device for the first time and each took our turn on the board to have an initial assessment done (weight, BMI, balance, etc.). Our kids got on and had their BMIs done and the Wii determined that they were underweight – no surprise there. I then got on and it told me I was average. My wife got on and it told her that she was overweight. The kids seemed so excited to see the meter near the top.

Our oldest said, “Wow mommy, you are almost at the obese section.  What does obese mean?” I snickered as my wife explained what it meant and warned them to be careful, because it’s not a nice thing to call people. This of course ignited a spark in them and they ran around saying that she was obese. Like a good father I stepped in and told them that they couldn’t call anyone obese. Our second son decided to put a clever spin on the rule and shouted, “Mommy is a beast, not obese!” I couldn’t help but laugh as they again began running around chanting, “A BEAST, A BEAST!” My wife looked at them and then at me as I tried to cover up my laughter. I had to hear the ‘you need to be an example’ spiel for a few minutes. I mustered up the most serious face I could and put an end to the chant – but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside.

My suggestion: If your wife is a plus size, suggest to her that she skip the assessment stage of the Wii Fit until she is alone, or at least suggest that the ‘Obese Meter’ be covered up so the kids can’t see it. I think it would also be wise to show your kids a picture of a real beast so they won’t get confused in the future.

UPDATE: My wife just proofread this post, and of course I’m in trouble again.  Apparently she isn’t technically a “plus size.”  At least that is what she is trying to tell me.  I always thought plus size just meant big, but she’s claiming it has to do with a special section of the store which she has never shopped in. I’m still not so sure, but we’ll save that argument for a future Great Debate.

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

May 3 – The Fair

I am expecially excited today. Ezekiel asked me to the county fair. He invited me by thowin’ his old boot through my window. I am sad to report that he broke my ceramic jewelry box shaped like a grain silo. When I lifted the top it made a mooing noise. The good news is that inside his boot was a note that said, “You will be fairer at the fair with me.” He’s dreamy!

We went to the fair and had a gay old time even though there weren’t much attracshuns. Uncle Moses (I don’t think he is my uncle, but everyone calls him that) was spinning people on the ‘Piknik-Tron.’ He put the top of the piknik table on some type of gear and then he would hold the table and run around in a circle while we sat on top. Ol Joe (he is actually old but I don’t know when people gave him that name) was giving kids a ride on a ‘Ferrus Water Wheel.’ He brought his water wheel from his crick and attached a lever to the side of it. Then we would line up, jump on the wheel, and croutch down on the little steps. He pushed us around and around as we followed in a line trying to jump on the steps. It was sure fun going up, but it was a dandy coming down. Jethro got stuck under the wheel and we had to shut er down for a while. The final event was a ‘hog wrastle.’ You had to enter a fenced in pen and get a pig in a potato sack while bein blindfolded. If you caught him you got to take him home and eat him. To confuse people, they put a bunch of other animals in the pen. I thought I won, but when I opened my sack the only thing in there was brainless Bobby Lee. He snuck in the pen and snorted like a pig. I rilly thought I picked a winner. Apparently it was a real hoot for onlookers – or should a say a real oink. I’m funny.

Ezekiel walked me home and picked some grass for me along the way. A dandelion got stuck in the handful of grass and made it real pritty. I like that boy.