Get Wife’s Permission Before Inviting Your Mom to The Birth of Your Child

Wife Lessons Learn from Donkey's mistakes, even if he cant

Lesson 23: Witnessing the Miracle

Some people think the birthing of a child is the most beautiful experience one can have. In fact, I remember seeing a movie in high school entitled The Miracle of Birth. Despite the buzz around a birth, I have never been excited to be there for this event. The smell, the sounds, the blood and guts are just too much for me. Although I wasn’t too thrilled to witness the birth of our first child, someone else was.

Lesson 23: Don’t invite your mom into the delivery room without your wife’s permission

When my wife was in labor with our first son, we were sitting in the delivery room waiting for things to progress.  My mother called and asked if she could come by. She was excited since this was her first grandchild, so I agreed. Once at the hospital, she asked if she could come into the delivery room. I again agreed and she entered the room to chat with my wife. My sister also entered the room as the labor continued.  Once it came time to push, my mom and sister still stayed to watch.  We spent time talking and making plans–my brother happened to be flying into town that day, so my mom and I were trying to figure out who would go to the airport and at what time.

After some period of time (which I can’t remember) the baby started to pop out. As I struggled to hold my wife’s legs up, one of the nurses invited my mom to actually go down and see the baby’s head. My wife shot me a look, but I didn’t know what to do. I decided to keep my mouth shut as my mom scurried over to watch the baby’s head poking out. My mother then enjoyed watching the delivery while my wife was in certainly one of the most vulnerable positions ever imagined. With each push I could read my wife’s mind, “Why is your mother watching me deliver a baby?” Luckily things ended positively - a baby was born - and my wife didn’t mention the situation again until we got home.

My suggestion: Don’t invite anyone into the delivery room. This will only lead to additional problems that you hadn’t anticipated. Instead, get a video camera and show the delivery during the next reunion.

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by The Donkey
May 28, 2008

Quick Tip: Accidentally Speed Dial Friends and Family for Your Wife

Road Trip Survival Quick Tips

This month is Road Trip Survival Month. The Donkey provides tips on how to survive a long car trip with your wife.

Sorry, Speed Dial

On a long trip, all your wife will want to do it blab blab blab. Why not turn that blabbing on to someone else? Your wife still gets a chance to share her thoughts, but you don’t have to be involved. The question is, “How do I convince my wife to talk to someone else?” Good question. Certainly your wife will be anxious to talk to you since you are now stuck in the car with her instead of being busy at work. I am prepared to provide a simple yet effective solution. This requires a cell phone and a quick hand.

  1. Get your cell phone before the trip and preset 5-10 of her family members’ and friends’ numbers in your speed dial
  2. Secure the phone in the car. Make sure it is close by so you can grab it without your wife noticing
  3. Slyly begin to call down the list of her friends and family.
  4. Wait until you hear someone pick up and then shout, “I think someone is on the phone?”
  5. Answer and tell the person you bumped their number by mistake, but state, “Why don’t you talk to my wife for a minute. We’re just on a road trip and have plenty of time.”
  6. Hand the phone to your wife

Obviously you will still hear your wife talking. If this is still too much, bring along your iPod, put the headphones on, and enjoy a few songs your wife don’t usually let you listen to. You can only get away with this a few times, so save it for emergency situations.

by The Donkey
May 21, 2008

1939 Marital Rating Scale–Wife and Husband Charts by George W. Crane

From The Donkey and Wife

“Blueprint for Happiness”

And you thought The Donkey was bad. Remember the Wife Performance Appraisal and the Housewife Job Description he published? Well, that was nothing compared to the Marital Rating Scale circulating around the internet during the last few days. Back in the 1930s, Dr. George W. Crane interviewed 600 husbands and wives about the merits and demerits of their spouse. He then “summarized the most frequently voiced flaws and virtues” in his pamphlet, “Tests for Husbands and Wives” Here is an excerpt:

(click to enlarge)

Or check out the entire quiz, (thanks to Tiabla, via Boing Boing)

Of course, we just had to take the test ourselves–because we are most definitely a couple who could use a “blueprint for happiness.” Here are a few of our findings (don’t worry, we won’t share any details about our “marital congress”):

He Said

These ratings seem just right to me.

My rating for Myself: Very Superior (103 merits - 26 demerits = 77 total)

Fortunately I got points for remembering birthdays and anniversaries, because it didn’t say you had to do anything about them–just remember them. I lost points for not liking to shave and wear a suit (even though I don’t refuse to do it). I also lost points for answering no to “often tells wife that he loves her,” but I could argue that I have written my feelings down in a letter that she can read anytime.

My rating for The Wife: Average (80 merits - 36 demerits = 44 total)

Some of you may think I was too hard on her, but listen–can I help it if I had to subtract points for anything to do with making and serving meals, being in her pajamas for breakfast, and refusing to brush her teeth on nights when she is tired? One of the questions even confirmed what I have always said–that I should be able to expect my wife to be dainty. She should consider herself lucky that “cries, sulks, or pouts too much” only required a 1-point deduction, and that the Wife’s Chart didn’t have a demerit for snoring. She did get points for being thrifty, loving the kids, and being “willing to help husband at office or shop.” And most notably, even though she is married to me, she “praises marriage before young women contemplating it.”

She Said

As you can see, I was a bit more fair and judicious in my scoring.

My rating for Myself: Average (93 merits - 47 demerits = 46 total)

Admittedly, my lack of passion for cooking hurt me a bit here. I did get points for “writes often and lovingly when away from husband” –even though this week during his trip The Donkey complained to me about an annoying, sappy email that I wrote him (2 sentences quickly apologizing for being cranky the day before he left). But I lost points because I sometimes “slow up card games with chatter” (aren’t you supposed to be enjoying people’s company while playing games?) and yes, I’ll admit it, I “fail to wash the top of the milk bottle before opening it.” I must try to correct that.

My rating for The Donkey: Average (101 merits - 47 demerits = 54 total)

I had to admit to a lot of great things about The Donkey. He very often “helps wife with dishes, caring for children, scrubbing.” (Did you know he does all the family grocery shopping–with all three kids in tow?) He’s a steady worker, and takes me on dates (too bad I didn’t get points for always being the one to find the babysitter). He did lose a few points for deferring to his mother too much; he’s not really a Mama’s boy, but he is known for embarrassing me by calling his mom and asking her how to boil water or bake a potato (as if I don’t know). Not surprisingly, most of his points were lost for things like, “teases wife re fatness, slowness” (only 1 demerit?!), or “criticizes wife in public” (welcome to the blog). My favorite point that he got was for being “an interesting entertainer.” My favorite one that he didn’t get was due to his failure to “give his wife ‘movie kisses’ not dutiful peck on cheek.” –I got a kick out of this one, since I actually use the term “movie kiss” regularly to explain my wishes to The Donkey.

In Summary

Although it started out as a silly activity, this was pretty enlightening. The questions may seem irrelevant or outdated, but it was a fun way to spark discussion about what we expect from and value in each other.

(Thanks to Diane from Smart Marriages for publishing this link)

by The Donkey and The Wife
May 16, 2008

Marriage: A Blessing and a Curse

From The Donkey

Debilitated Donkey

My wife loves watching The Amazing Race and says we should be on it. I have seen several episodes over the years and I must say that I agree. I’m sure it would be entertaining to watch, but I really think we would be a good team. She has many strengths that I do not have and I have many that she doesn’t have. Since we’ve been married I have noticed that some of my abilities have evaporated since I rely on my wife so much. I have concluded that marriage is a both a blessing and a curse.

Marriage is certainly a blessing for many reasons. For example, I have someone to send downstairs to check things out if I hear a noise in the middle of the night. I also appreciate having someone to rely on if I forget something at home and need it brought to work.

Marriage has also been a curse for me. I no longer know how to write out a check. My wife has been managing finances for our entire marriage. The other day she gave me a blank check and told me to pay for something. I couldn’t do it. I actually forgot how to fill it out and did it wrong. Another example is my lack of navigation skills. The other day, when my coworker and I tried to drive from the airport to our hotel (3 miles), it took almost 30 minutes and we noticed that we were going in circles. I was the navigator and I had a GPS that the car rental lady set up for me since I couldn’t figure out how to use it. I guarantee I would have been able to do this in my prime, but marriage has really set me back. If my wife had been there, we would have been to the hotel in no time. I also can’t follow written instructions. If we buy furniture that needs to be put together, my wife has to read the instructions and tell me what to do. I am happy to be the grunt worker, but my reliance on her for instructions has turned out to be a curse. The other day I bought some teeth whiteners. She was out of town, so of course I couldn’t figure out how to use the dumb things and ended up ignoring the instructions and just started ripping the packaging open. I ended up bleaching my fingers instead of my teeth since I had the strips flipped around.

Yes, it is true. Marriage brings many joys, but it also debilitates you if you are not careful. My wife and I would win The Amazing Race, but I would have a hard time finding and using a bathroom in a foreign country if she weren’t with me.

by The Donkey
May 14, 2008

Mother’s Day Wrap-Up

From The Donkey

I’m in California on another “vacation” (business trip). My wife is too tired tonight to read through the post and has authorized me to post whatever I want. She suggested summing up Mother’s Day. I was hoping to do something controversial, but decided to use a little discretion.

Someone at work today asked how Mother’s Day went. “What did you do for your wife?” he asked.

“Well, nothing really,” I responded.

“You didn’t do anything?,” he questioned.

“I let my wife sleep in, made her wife bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast and fed the kids. Then I bathed the kids and got them ready for Church. After Church I made them lunch and put them down for naps. After that I did the dishes and some laundry. I made dinner when the kids got up, played with them, and then put them to bed,” I said.

“Well that’s not nothing; that’s pretty good,” the gentleman said.

I thought to myself, “Isn’t that what I do every day? Is that really a Mother’s Day gift?”

I guess the question is: What can you do for your wife when you are already the perfect husband?

by The Donkey
May 13, 2008

Is It OK To Be Preened By Your Spouse?

Enquiring Minds want to know... we want to know.

Here’s a chance for YOU to give the advice.

Question:

What amount of preening (popping zits, plucking hairs…) is acceptable between spouses?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

by The Donkey and The Wife
May 9, 2008

Early Morning Mother’s Day Surprise May Disappoint

Wife Lessons Learn from Donkey's mistakes, even if he cant

Lesson 22: Cold Reception for Cold Cereal

It’s that time of year again where men everywhere cringe because they have no idea how to celebrate Mother’s Day or what kinds of niceties would acknowledge the work mothers do. Roses? Candy? Cleaning the house? A nice letter? When we first got married I didn’t do anything for my wife because she wasn’t a mother. I quickly learned that somehow in her mind and by the world’s definition she was a mother and needed to be recognized. Mother’s Day hasn’t gotten easier over the years, and I am still confused about what we are supposed to be doing, but I have learned a few things.

Wife Lesson 22: A bowl of cereal at 7:15 in the morning is not a great Mother’s Day tradition.

Last year I decided to let my kids choose what to do for Mother’s Day. I thought this would keep me in the clear if the idea was lousy. After all, it wasn’t mine! The kids woke up at 6:30 am and I went down to watch them so my wife could sleep. At around 7 am the kids said they wanted to serve their mom breakfast in bed.

“Good idea,” I told them. “What should we make?”

They insisted on Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. No big mess, no cooking, and low fat. “Great idea,” I said. At 7:15 am we the bowl of cereal up to my wife while she was sleeping. She opened her eyes and smiled at the kids. Then she looked at the clock. Then she saw me holding the bowl of cereal. I was smiling because I knew she would think the cereal was on the ridiculous side, but I thought I could get away with her thinking it was cute because the kids thought of it.

“What are you doing up here so early?” she wondered.

“We were bored,” was the only explanation I could offer. We spent the rest of the morning watching cartoons on the bed with her. Needless to say, she was pretty annoyed.

Normally I don’t learn from these lessons, but the other day our oldest said, “Daddy, what should we make mommy for breakfast for Mother’s Day?” I let him pick and he said, “How about Crunchy Nuggets?” (imitation Grape Nuts) We decided something a little more elaborate would be in order.

My suggestion: As usual, stick with conventional gifts and ideas to stay out of trouble. Hot breakfast in bed (but not before 9 am), a little getaway, a day off from cleaning, or a homemade present are all safe ways to recognize your wife. And for those of you way out there - NO - recreating your first child’s birth with a few plastic bags, an extension cord, and some strawberry sauce is also not a good idea to celebrate motherhood. Believe me!

Read more in: Wife Lessons
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by The Donkey
May 7, 2008

Guest Post: Travel with a Couple to Learn More Than You Wanted to Know

Enquiring Minds want to know... we want to know.

Donkey Details

What would it be like to travel with The Donkey and The Wife? A couple brave friends of ours decided to find out, and now they’re sharing what they learned…

–

We had the privilege (yes, privilege) of spending almost 4 days with The Donkey and The Wife as we traveled back East to see some baseball games. We thought that we could provide some readers with added insight into the life of this most curious creature.

Top Ten: Things You Might Have Never Cared to Know About The Donkey:

10. The Donkey is willing to eat almost anything for money. It doesn’t have to be a lot of money, either. After hearing the story of him licking a Taco Bell floor for $1, we almost dared him to lick the floor of a New York subway train, but we were afraid that he would actually do it.

9. He has a not-so-secret crush on Jenny Jones. Yes, THE Jenny Jones (think lie detectors, boot camps, paternity tests, dramatic makeovers, etc). We believe that he actually used to term “hot” to describe her. We sense a future blog posting from the Donkey: “All I really need to know in life I learned from Jenny Jones.”

8. We heard many stories from his younger, pre-ball-and-chain-years. In his youth, he had an obsession with doing obscene/gross things with body hair. We won’t go into the where, what, and most importantly WHY of this obsession, so we will just let your imaginations run wild on this one.

7. He has a tongue to rival Gene Simmons. Seriously. It is insanely long, and curls up pointedly at the tip. It is almost to the point of being gross, but we were so fascinated that we kept on staring. He could make money at a Kentucky State Fair with this one.

6. He plays Boggle extremely well (isn’t that something that only ladies 55 years and older play?). Think Peggy Hill. Maybe he and Jenny Jones could get together on this one.

5. The entire time that were with them, The Donkey walked at least 10 feet in front of The Wife. We have no idea why he did this. Was he ashamed of The Wife? Was he ashamed of us? Is he just one of those fast-walker types? He looked like a teenager trying to avoid being seen with his parents at the mall.

4. He likes to snuggle with The Wife when cold. Yes, snuggle. We were surprised by the blatant PDA, also, but we have a photograph to prove it. Maybe The Donkey has an affectionate side that he is hiding…or maybe he just gets cold easily and finds warmth in the flesh-on-flesh connection.

The Donkey displays a rare moment of PDA

3. Like other Donkeys, he is not afraid be a beast of burden. He carried his wife’s purse on many occasions and was not the least bit embarrassed to do it. He did carry it at his side, though, almost dragging it on the pavement, as if hinting to every thug that we passed by, “Please steal this from me.”

2. For you avid WifeAdvice readers we can confirm that The Donkey does, indeed, wear sweats as his preferred clothing. We might add that these are NOT cool, trendy athletic wear, or sexy lounge pants that you might find at the Gap or Adidas. These are old fashioned, gray, worn out, elastic at the ankles and waist, 1980’s style sweats. We think that on the day that they went to a Broadway show (yes, the wife must have won that battle) he “dressed up” and wore a pair of old jeans with a t-shirt.

1. We can confirm some of his miserly ways (he calls it saving money). We stayed with an old friend of his, whom The Donkey had not seen in something like 8 years. The Donkey offered to buy the guy a bagel, which is a thoughtful gesture. However, we have strong belief that he refused to pay for cream cheese. Come on! After how many years? A bagel?

We could go on about him falling asleep at the drop of a hat, his aversion to sharing food, and his detest of people saying “thank you”. However, hopefully, these things will add another layer of depth into this most complicated creature.

–

Thanks to our friends for coming along with us and taking such copious notes!

by The Donkey and The Wife
May 5, 2008

Quick Tip: A Vampire Book Could Save Your Life

Road Trip Survival Quick Tips

Before I dive into our post, I want to let you know that we have a guest post out today on another marriage site entitled A Good Husband. A Good Husband writes articles about marriage advice for men. Check out his site.

Books Can Be Useful

During our recent trip my wife and I drove all over the place. We went from Virginia to New Jersey, back to Virginia, back up to New Jersey, up to Niagara Falls, down to Pittsburgh, and then back to Virginia. Thanks to construction and mis-hearing the GPS instructions a few times, we spent 25 hours driving. Luckily we had our friends with us for one of the legs, but my wife and I were alone for the other 21 hours of the trip. The trip to Niagara and Pittsburgh was somewhat last minute, so I wasn’t prepared for a long trip in the car. By prepared I don’t mean having snacks, music, books, and other things to do - I mean mentally prepared. I don’t have exact calculations, but I spent at least 4 hours answering questions like, ‘Why did you marry me?” “What do you like about me?” I spent another 2-4 hours listening to my wife cry because I somehow couldn’t figure out the correct answers to her questions. If I only had that paper with my preset answers.

It was this experience that inspired this month’s quick tip series: How to survive a car trip when you are trapped alone with your wife.

The best idea is to get your wife a book so she can occupy herself in the car. My wife has been reading some weirdo book series about vampire teenagers. She brought one of the books in the series with us and read it when she got bored with the baseball games or when there was some down time during the day. Unfortunately she didn’t have it in the car for most of the trip, so I had to be the entertainment. Be sure to get a book that she will enjoy, that is easy to read, and that will last the duration of the trip. NOTE: If your wife gets motion sickness in the car, be sure to get some medicine, otherwise reading will not be an option. ANOTHER NOTE: Try to avoid a sappy love story about high school vampires. There’s only so much you will be able to take as your wife recounts each chapter.

by The Donkey
May 2, 2008

Marriage Advice: When your wife says, “You won’t be in trouble.”

From The Donkey

We are still recovering from our great vacation and now my wife left me to babysit for 3 days while she attends a conference. Although it has been crazy, I’ve found a minute to write a post based on an experience from our trip.

During the trip some of my wife’s family invited us out to eat. My brother-in-law really wanted to go, but his wife was opposed. Their conversation went something like this:

Wife: Just go to dinner. I will stay home.
Husband: No. I am not going alone.
Meddling Brother (not me): Come on. Just come with us.
Husband: No, I can’t. I will get in trouble.
Wife: You won’t get in trouble. Just GO!
Meddling Brother: See, she doesn’t care if you leave her here. Just come to eat.
Meddling Brother’s Wife: Hey, quit bugging him.  He can’t go.

Sound familiar? Of course it does. We’ve all had these types of conversations with our wives. What should this poor husband do? The answer is simple: DON’T STAY AT HOME! There is no point. You are already in trouble even if your wife says you are not or that you won’t be. Anytime you hear your wife utter something like, “You won’t be in trouble if…,” you should immediately see red flags popping up as if the Russians are on their way and know that you certainly will be in trouble. What you need to do is just go for it. It’s her problem anyway right? She told you to leave. How are you supposed to know that she didn’t really mean you could leave when she said you could? This will teach her a valuable lesson about speaking her mind, and you will enjoy a nice meal. We have no time for silly games, so force your wife to share her real feelings, or continue to go and do whatever you want. Either way you win.

The shocking thing about this scenario is that the meddling brother has been married for years; he certainly knows what the wife really meant. Perhaps it was just amusing to see younger siblings with the same early foibles. What a sicko.

Related Posts: Mother May I

by The Donkey
May 1, 2008
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