WifeAdvice.com

Here’s a chance for YOU to give the advice.

Question:

If you had to pick, would you choose a woman with a moderate amount of facial hair (not peach fuzz, I’m talking whiskers) or would you choose a woman with a noticeable snaggletooth (think Jewel/Kirsten Dunst)?

[Women, feel free to share your experiences if you are currently advertising or have previously advertised one of these fine offers.]

Rated E for everyone

We were at work the other day doing what’s most important: flipping through a business magazine and rating the models in the ads. We came across a picture of a mature woman (50+), and I asked if people thought she was pretty. It seemed like a simple question but people got really into it and asked, “Do you mean her looks or am I attracted to her or her style?” I told them to rate her on a scale from 1-10. This didn’t satisfy them because we quickly realized we all had different methods of judging a person’s looks.

I provided my perspective and the group seemed somewhat intrigued with my methodology and asked me to document my process. It’s a well known fact that when we were first married I rated my wife a 6, but let me help you understand how I determined this score. (NOTE: I am only evaluating looks – this does not take into consideration the much more important things such as intelligence, cooking ability, and potential inheritance.)

First, you need to identify the criteria you want to evaluate and then assign a weighting to each criterion (the total has to equal 100 or 1.0 if you are thinking in percentages). Then, you assign a rating from 0-10. Next, multiply the weighting and the rating. Finally, add up your numbers to determine the overall rating. Below is the grid I used for my wife. To be fair, I included my own score. You now understand how I came up with my wife’s rating and see that my wife and I are indeed compatible as fellow 6s.

This highlights the fact that a low rating in an important area can really hurt the overall score and that a high or low score in an unimportant area really doesn’t help or hurt. I mean, who cares what a woman’s ears look like? It doesn’t matter to me because she can cover them with hair. (NOTE: A major flaw like a missing ear could require a penalty or deduction. I haven’t figured out the deduction part yet, but I’d say at least a point for each missing ear.)

In our minds we quickly use some sort of scale to process the different people we see each day, and we provide a rating whether or not we readily admit it. Normally once you’re married this practice is done far less and you typically only notice the extremes: the nasty or the beautiful. I must admit that I find myself rating guys these days more than women, but I’m not sure if that means anything. I am way more prone to notice a beefcake working on biceps as opposed to a hottie on the treadmill.

So what features would you include? How can I enhance this scoring system?

Lesson 30: The bald and the beautiful

Having hair is the bane of my existence. I hate having hair because I have to shower regularly, I have to pay to get it cut, and it makes me itchy. I recently shaved my head again since it is starting to get warmer and I love it. I try to push head-shaving on everyone. Unfortunately I discovered last week that there are bounds on who I can push my agenda on.

Lesson 30: Don’t shave your kid’s head unless you get approval from your wife

My wife was at the gym the other morning, and I was laying in bed when my kids jumped on me. I noticed how long their hair was and remembered that my wife tasked me with getting them haircuts that day. Several of my kids have heads that are not conducive to a bald look, but my two-year-old (Dimples) has a pretty good shaped head. An impulse went through my mind and I tried to suppress it, but I was taken over by the desire to recruit a fellow skinhead. I grabbed the clippers and began shaving my son’s head. I developed a justification just in case my wife got mad when she saw what I did. I would say, “It was all an accident. I was just trying to practice giving him a haircut and things didn’t go well, so I was forced to shave his head.”

You should be able to fill in the blanks from there based on the fact that you are reading this. Anger, frustration, and sadness are just some of the emotions that my wife experienced when she saw his hair. I provided my justification and explained that we would now be saving $5 a month since my son no longer needed a haircut. These points were disregarded by my wife and I spent the next few hours on the hot seat.

My suggestion: If you really want to shave your kids head, but don’t want to take the blame, do this: Bring your kid to the haircutters. Stand next to the barber as he cuts your kid’s hair. Pretend that you are pointing to a spot on your kid’s head and “accidentally” bump the barber’s hand as he is making a crucial cut or shave. The barber will be forced to shave the rest of the head and you can place the blame on someone else when you report back to your wife.

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

June 18 -Last Day Of School

I can’t beleave school is finally over! We had 4 or 5 make up days since school got closed after Mr. Swartzendruber’s cow died in the classroom. They had to saw the beast up to get him out and it took days to scrub the blood off the wood floor and get the stink out. Mrs. Brenneman wouldn’t let us out until we all proved we could count to 20 and tell the diffrunce between d and b. I was so mad cause Jed kept sayin seventy-teen insted of seventeen. I guess that’s what happens when you and all your kin are in the same grade.

Ezekiel got to ring the bell and then we all ran out to the Stutzma’s store for sum horehound candy. Then me and Ezekiel went to his house and he rode me in the wheelbarrow all around the farm. It sure was fun. I got to look into his blue eyes. It reminded me of the water in grandma’s well.

Silly Serenade

One of my favorite artists is Weird Al Yankovic. I own all of his albums, have been to many concerts, and have been a member of his fan club since the early 90s. He has so many songs that I like, but his recent single really strikes a chord with me, in terms of how I feel about my wife.  It’s called Whatever You Like, and  is a parody of T.I.’s #1 hit (also entitled Whatever You Like).

There isn’t a video yet, but here’s the audio:

My sister and her husband heard the song and said they could imagine me singing this to my wife. Here are a few of the lines that could be applied to our marriage:

• And we can clip coupons all night
• Take you out for dinner, anywhere that you please, Like Burger King or Mickey Ds. I said you can even have the large fry
• At Wal-mart she can pick out anything she want
• Do you think you could chip in for gas?
• Mac and Cheese would be all right
• It’s all about the Washingtons, that’s right
• Thrift store jeans on sale half-price

While I have never been one to serenade my wife, this may be a good time for me to start.  I think she’ll really like it.  In fact, I should probably start working on a playlist for her of Weird Al’s most romantic songs… How can I go wrong?

Putting Money into Your Pocket

Tough economic times may be upon us, but I have solutions for freeing up a little money at home–and rewarding myself in the process.

I have been working with some managers at work to implement a Kaizen program. This is a Japanese term that means continuous improvement, and is often referred to in lean manufacturing. The purpose is to look for opportunities to improve processes or increasing efficiencies, thus reducing costs. Many companies give a small percentage of the savings to the employee(s) who suggests the cost-saving idea.

I propose establishing a Kaizen program in the home. My wife has been pushing a new budgeting program on everyone, and my spending money is in jeopardy. But if I can propose ideas to reduce costs, then I think I should receive a percentage of the saving for in my spending allowance. I also think I should receive a percentage if I can find ways to increase our income. Here are some ideas I have come up with:

The Donkey’s Suggestions for improving The Financial Situation at Home:

• Wear underwear for a week straight, thus reducing laundering costs.
• Change baby diapers twice a day or switch to cloth diapers. (Husbands wouldn’t be at home to change the cloth diapers, so it’s a great proposal.)
• Shave everybody’s heads in the home. This reduces the need to visit the barber. I also propose shaving your wife’s head. You could have her hair made into a wig. This would be a significant up-front cost, but over time you would continue to shave her head while she wears a professional looking wig.
• Buy your wife a pair of jeans for Christmas that are a size or two too small. The tightness of these jeans will constrict her stomach and reduce food intake.
• Early morning paper route. This is great if you have a new baby since your wife would be up feeding the baby anyway. She could finish the entire route before you leave for work.
• Cancel the Internet at home. Not only does this save $50 each month, but it forces your wife to go to the library to use the Internet. This will also reduce snacking by all who would have otherwise been hanging out in the house.  If she decides not to go use the internet elsewhere, it will at least cut down on the development of symptoms discovered on the internet.
• Have everyone in the house take a bath in the same water. Sure it sounds gross, but if you have little kids they won’t even notice. Be sure to get in there first though, and don’t fill the bath up too much.
• Enroll family members into product testing marketing programs. Whether it’s toothpaste, shampoo, or food, there is always something someone in your family could be trying out for a little extra cash.
• Stop using the bathroom at home or simply wait until the evening to flush toilets. Schedule bathroom trips to the library, neighbor’s house, or convenience store

What are other cost saving/income generating ideas do you have?

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Lesson 29: Kids do say the darndest things, just don’t laugh at them

I’m not sure why I am shocked when a little kid says some crazy thing, but it gets me every time. I’ll never forget when our oldest son saw me step out of the shower several years ago (when he was very young). He blurted out, “Daddy, your [private part] has a mustache.” Although not as shocking, my kids’ quotes recently made me laugh again.

Lesson 29: Don’t laugh when your kids call your wife ‘obese’ or ‘a beast’.

We’ve had a Wii Fit for nearly 6 months now and have only recently opened the box. Our family was gathered around the device for the first time and each took our turn on the board to have an initial assessment done (weight, BMI, balance, etc.). Our kids got on and had their BMIs done and the Wii determined that they were underweight – no surprise there. I then got on and it told me I was average. My wife got on and it told her that she was overweight. The kids seemed so excited to see the meter near the top.

Our oldest said, “Wow mommy, you are almost at the obese section.  What does obese mean?” I snickered as my wife explained what it meant and warned them to be careful, because it’s not a nice thing to call people. This of course ignited a spark in them and they ran around saying that she was obese. Like a good father I stepped in and told them that they couldn’t call anyone obese. Our second son decided to put a clever spin on the rule and shouted, “Mommy is a beast, not obese!” I couldn’t help but laugh as they again began running around chanting, “A BEAST, A BEAST!” My wife looked at them and then at me as I tried to cover up my laughter. I had to hear the ‘you need to be an example’ spiel for a few minutes. I mustered up the most serious face I could and put an end to the chant – but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside.

My suggestion: If your wife is a plus size, suggest to her that she skip the assessment stage of the Wii Fit until she is alone, or at least suggest that the ‘Obese Meter’ be covered up so the kids can’t see it. I think it would also be wise to show your kids a picture of a real beast so they won’t get confused in the future.

UPDATE: My wife just proofread this post, and of course I’m in trouble again.  Apparently she isn’t technically a “plus size.”  At least that is what she is trying to tell me.  I always thought plus size just meant big, but she’s claiming it has to do with a special section of the store which she has never shopped in. I’m still not so sure, but we’ll save that argument for a future Great Debate.