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The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

July 4 – Independunce Day

I think the fourfth of July is one of my favorite holidays. First of all I love that we defeeted the Britush at the Elmo. I wonder if thats where that Sesume Street charakter got his name from. Second I love fireworx. We couldnt afford none but Pa created his own. He spent the gas money for the car and got Jiffy Pop and started roastin it. Then he took some dung balls from the field and lit them on fire and placed them on top of the Jiffy Pop. Eventally the Jiffy Pop exploded and the poop went shootin off into the night. We ran all around trying to avoid fallin poop. Pa howled somethin awful at the site. Ma laffed too. Sadly Ezekiel got a poop ball to the head and it burned him a little. I hope he comes over tomorrow still.

FifthI love watermelon. We couldnt git none this year since the saloon was all out so Ma shaved some ice and dripped some chicken blood and sugar into it. Then she put some beetles in there. Next she squished the ice into balls like watermelons. The ice tasted good but i didn’t like the beetles none. i spat them out at Liza-Jane. She got mad cause she hates beetles and therefore watermelons.

Anyways I love the fourfth. Plus today we put hay in Jethros overalls and he had a horrible itch all night.

Don’t make junior cry

Ever open a present and wonder what possessed the person who bought it to actually wrap and deliver it? I’m sure many of us husbands have been guilty of this in the past.

Does the following sound familiar? It’s last minute and you decide to grab something off the shelf just so you can say you had a present under the tree. “At least she can open something on Christmas. She can always return it.” This approach has worked with moderate success in the past, but wives are catching on. They don’t want just anything. They want thought. They want planning. And now, they want us to make the return for the poorly chosen gift. What will we do? Luckily the other day I had a flash of inspiration that will help you next year. It’s based on an experience I had last week.

My friend told me he bought his wife a jewelry box for Christmas. He had noticed that his wife’s box was falling apart. I guess this guy was going for husband of the year award or something. Anyway, he went to some fancy place and got conned by the saleswoman to purchase a jewelry box for $40. When he showed me the box I almost died. It was clear with bright, colorful circles all over it. It looked like something a little girl would keep her My Little Pony toys in. He decided to show the box to a girl at work for a second opinion. She also laughed and said it looked like it belonged to a third grader. He was panicked because it was two days before Christmas and he did not have time to return the item.

I asked how this could have happened. He mentioned that he and his son were in the shop and saw this one and picked it out. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Your son was with you?” He said yes.

“Problem solved,” I exclaimed. “Just tell her that your son picked it out. Tell her that you had seen another one that was better for a mature woman, but you couldn’t deny your son the opportunity to participate in his own mother’s Christmas present. Do you think she can actually complain knowing that you thoughtfully planned to include your children? Of course you need to make sure your son is present when she opens it. You won’t be bringing any gifts back this year – that box is a keeper!”

He asked, “Do you think she will buy it?”

“Of course she will. How could she not?”

He asked several women at work if they would fall for the story and they all said they would. The men he asked applauded the idea and pronounced it as a true Christmas miracle. I got a text on Christmas morning from him that simply said, “Your idea worked.”

Another satisfied customer. Feel free to use this for anniversaries, holidays, and of course birthdays. I’m not sure how far one could take this, but I think next year I will try this approach and get my wife some soda for my office. “Sorry, the kids really thought you would want the soda so you would have something for me.”

Dumbbell Disaster

Many husbands are lamenting the fact that it’s almost Christmas. Their wives’ stress levels are hitting an annual high, kids are out of school and committing acts of terrorism in the house, and husbands have no idea what to get their wives. A friend of mine was asking the other day if he could get his wife an IPod for Christmas. It seemed like a great idea to me, but then I realized the intent was to encourage his wife to workout more. She does not like working out because she gets bored, and he thinks this is a way to ignite the fire. I asked if she would otherwise like an IPod, and he said yes. It took me a minute, but I believe I came up with an effective approach:

• Deliver the IPod to the local gym manager and explain the situation.
• Place a note in the wife’s stocking indicating that a special present awaits her at the gym. (WARNING: She should already have a gym pass. Read about an approach that works.)
• Wife finds the note Christmas morning.
• Drive wife to the gym to retrieve the present. Wait until the wife is inside.
• Drive off.
• The manager will present the IPod to the wife and explain that this could be hers if she can successfully complete a week of working out.
• Wife works out.
• Pick up happy wife from the gym two hours later.

If that’s not genius I don’t know what is. Another happy customer!

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Getting Things Done (GTD) – Get Unstuck

Dear Donkey and Wife: I am lucky because my wife doesn’t have a honey do list for me but she has wanted me to fix our couch for some time now. I don’t care that it dips when you sit in it but i don’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t know how to fix the couch and don’t want to know. What can I do?- Barely a man

He says: GTD all the way!

I am restraining myself because I really want to delve into how you can pawn this off to her or how you can make her feel guilty about projects she hasn’t completed, but i won’t. My advice is always excellent, but today I will give advice that female readers will enjoy too. Plus, I receive questions like this regularly.

I train a class designed to increase productivity based on the book Getting Things Done. I have been using this system for a couple of years now and have been a certified trainer for a year-and-a-half, but i have never fully implemented it at home. This is most likely because I do not want to do the projects assigned by my wife. However, I recently had a very good experience that highlights one of the principles in the training that will help you with this problem.

Our toilet has been broken since we purchased the house four years ago. Every time my wife sits on it, it wobbles back and forth. About six months ago we noticed that the bathroom started to smell pretty bad. We diagnosed it to the fact that the toilet wobbled something loose. I was faced with three options: 1) wait until my wife lost enough weight that the toilet no longer wobbled under the strain, 2) wait for my wife to give up on me and live with the wobbling, 3) fix the toilet. I chose option 2 even though my wife has done an excellent job losing over 30  pounds this year (she still has a good 15 pounds to go).

I was preparing to train this productivity class a month ago and thought about projects that were stuck on my list. The toilet project was at the forefront of my mind. The author of the book explains that one of the reasons we procrastinate things is because we have not determined the next action. We have a project like “Fix couch” on our list, but we do not really know how to begin. What is the first thing we need to do to get this project moving? I realized that this was my problem with the toilet.

I am one of the most useless husbands when it comes to fixing things, but I know lots of people who are very handy. I realized that my next action was to ask someone what to do to fix the toilet. That seemed easy. I called a guy I know and explained the situation. He told me that I needed the largest wax ring I could find that included hardware. I also needed caulking. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I completed the next action: ask someone what to do. At this point I could have decided to call a handy man to fix the problem, but my friend convinced me that I could do it with his help. I asked him what my next action was and he told me to go to Home Depot and buy the supplies. So I wrote that down on my list.

My wife was very excited when I told her what I had accomplished and she realized that I was making progress. A week later I was doing errands and saw the next action for the toilet and decided to stop by Home Depot. I confirmed the list of supplies with the saleswoman (sad, I had to ask a 20 year old girl) and she showed me what to get. Look at that! Another next action completed: buy supplies. To cut this story short, I eventually invited my friend over and we fixed the toilet. My wife was amazed that this project was finally completed. I realized that it was not really a big deal, but I never identified the next action so it was stuck on my list causing grief for me.

So, you have 3 options: 1) tell your wife to lose weight so she will stop crashing through the couch, 2) ignore it and continue to get sucked into the couch, 3) figure out what it will take to fix the couch. I have no idea how to fix the couch, but I am sure you know someone who can advise you. Your outcome might be to buy a new couch. Who knows? You won’t until you identify the next action and complete it. Feel free to visit the GTD web site for more info.

That’s it for our suggestions… Any other ideas?

(Do you need advice from The Donkey and The Wife?  Contact us and ask away)

Another advancement for mankind

Once in a while the heavens are opened and one of life’s secrets is placed into the trusting care of man. These secrets have provided untold advancement for our world. Examples permeate throughout time: Galileo, Newton, Alexander Fleming, and Einstein to name a few. I wish to inform the world that I have been blessed with such a secret and I am delighted to share it with husbands out there who have struggled to find an answer to your wives’ most challenging question: I’m sick. Can you stay home tomorrow?

You are placed in an impossible situation. You can either: 1) stay home from work, get behind on your projects, and forgo a promotion; or 2) go to work and feel the wrath of your wife as you deflect text messages, instant messages, email, and phone calls throughout the day.

The realization I recently had is that both options are possible for most husbands with stay-at-home wives. But let’s turn the tables for a moment. What if you get sick? Are both options available to your wife? Wait for it … You should have just recognized the pure genius behind this question. Generally, wives cannot go to work and do our jobs but we can do their jobs. This is unbalanced. We need to save our sick days for times when we are critically injured by a madman or harpoon. Next time your wife asks if you can stay home to do her job simply say, “Sure. I just need you to do my job next time I get sick.” Her bewildered look will be enough to let you know that you can get back to what you were doing as she realizes that you have made a monumental point.

I recognize that this does not apply when both parents are working, but this is gold for those of you who have a wife at home. I know the Nobel Peace Prize was recently handed out, but I’m hoping for write-in votes next year.

Oh, before I forget. I don’t want anyone to think that women don’t receive the same insights that change the world. Just look at Marion Donovan and Sybil Geeslin (Kennedy). These two women made serious advancements by proposing options to move from cloth diapers to disposable ones. Amazing!

I can hear you breathing

It’s rare that I have the opportunity to accuse my wife of poor behavior. Normally I have to nitpick to find a mistake, but my chance finally came the other day. My wife spoke to someone on the phone and couldn’t place who she was. I began to describe this woman. “She’s very tall and pretty big. Probably 250 pounds.” My wife responded in only a way I thought a man could. “Oh, she didn’t didn’t sound fat on the phone.”

My eyes lit up and the expression on my face indicated the delight I was instantly enjoying. My wife tried to backpedal, but the damage was done. I simply said, “I didn’t think one could conclude a person’s size by merely hearing a voice. I guess I have been mistaken all these years.” (Totally bogus. I can identify a girthy lady on the phone. There are plenty of clues.)

What do you think? Can you tell if someone is heavy just by hearing them speak on the phone?

Lesson 31: What’s cookin good lookin?

While chatting with coworkers at lunch recently, we discovered something we all had in common:  there is a simple, easy-to-answer question that we are not allowed to ask our wives.  The question is so basic yet has the power to ignite rage in a matter of milliseconds.

Lesson 31: DO NOT come home and ask your wife “What’s for dinner?”

I have been asking this question for years and have received the same answer for years. The conversation goes like this:

Donkey: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know. What are you planning?
Donkey: I didn’t really think about it at work.
Wife: Neither did I.

Usually things kind of end and I make some food so I can keep peace in the house. Sometimes things escalate to Round 2. This happened the other day. I took the bait and continued the conversation:

Donkey: Well, maybe I can come home at 4pm from now on to ensure that I have time to prepare dinner so kids aren’t starving.
Wife: Sounds like a good idea.
Donkey: How come you get angry when I ask this question?
Wife: Because you assume it’s my job to make dinner.
Donkey: Well, uh, if it’s not yours whose would it be?
Wife: It’s no one’s job. You can’t just ask me like the burden is on me. I just don’t like how you ask.
Donkey: So how should I ask this question.
Wife: You could say, “What should we have for dinner” or “Are there plans for dinner?”
Donkey: (thinks to himself, “What’s the difference?”)

So the next day I say, “What’s the plan for dinner?” This sparks the same discussion and she gets upset. The next day I try again:

Donkey: What’s… um. Wait. How should we plan dinner…for…kids…food. How do I word this again???”
Wife: You know what to say. Don’t be stupid.
Donkey: Ok. I’ll just go make spaghetti.

My suggestion: I still don’t have a handle on this, but I am taking suggestions. Definitely don’t ask the question and definitely don’t ask for alternative ways to ask the question because it gets confusing and you’ll be worse off. What has worked for you?

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Please hang up and try your call again

Dear Donkey: My wife hangs up on me in the middle of a discussion when things start heating up. This has been going on for some time. I told her that it bothers me but she continues to do it. What should I do? – Phone Troubles

He says: Give her a taste of her own medicine

At some point most men have dated or have married someone who is what I term a Phone Hag or P-Hag. This is the type of person who gets offended and hangs up when you are in mid-sentence. This actually just happened to me last week. Here are a few approaches that I have used with varying levels of success:

1. Call back and simply say, “Thanks for answering. Obviously you have graduated from 3^rd grade and progressed to 4^th grade. Nice work!”
2. Call back and say, “I’m so sorry. Your phone dropped me. Obviously you have a bad connection. You better fix that.”
3. Call back and utilize some of the skills you picked up at your Crucial Conversations class by saying, “It’s clear you have moved to silence by using the withdrawing technique. Excellent work! I really feel like you have mastered that skill. Now you have both the attacking and withdrawing skills under your belt.”
4. Don’t call back. Wait until she contacts you. It can be via an email, instant message, or phone call. Once she contacts you, begin to respond and then end your thought in mid-sentence and see how well that goes.

Those are my thoughts. Do any readers have other suggestions? What has worked for you? I think number 4 works best because women really respond well to

I am sitting waiting for an annual physical and a thought came to my mind: physicals are totally underrated. Where else can I find this kind of service for just a $15 copay? Sure, I could probably go to some seedy massage place, but that would cost at least $75. I could also probably beg my wife, but after nearly 10 years she isn’t motivated. I am truly excited about this opportunity. In fact, I think I’m going to request quarterly visits from now on.