WifeAdvice.com

Another advancement for mankind

Once in a while the heavens are opened and one of life’s secrets is placed into the trusting care of man. These secrets have provided untold advancement for our world. Examples permeate throughout time: Galileo, Newton, Alexander Fleming, and Einstein to name a few. I wish to inform the world that I have been blessed with such a secret and I am delighted to share it with husbands out there who have struggled to find an answer to your wives’ most challenging question: I’m sick. Can you stay home tomorrow?

You are placed in an impossible situation. You can either: 1) stay home from work, get behind on your projects, and forgo a promotion; or 2) go to work and feel the wrath of your wife as you deflect text messages, instant messages, email, and phone calls throughout the day.

The realization I recently had is that both options are possible for most husbands with stay-at-home wives. But let’s turn the tables for a moment. What if you get sick? Are both options available to your wife? Wait for it … You should have just recognized the pure genius behind this question. Generally, wives cannot go to work and do our jobs but we can do their jobs. This is unbalanced. We need to save our sick days for times when we are critically injured by a madman or harpoon. Next time your wife asks if you can stay home to do her job simply say, “Sure. I just need you to do my job next time I get sick.” Her bewildered look will be enough to let you know that you can get back to what you were doing as she realizes that you have made a monumental point.

I recognize that this does not apply when both parents are working, but this is gold for those of you who have a wife at home. I know the Nobel Peace Prize was recently handed out, but I’m hoping for write-in votes next year.

Oh, before I forget. I don’t want anyone to think that women don’t receive the same insights that change the world. Just look at Marion Donovan and Sybil Geeslin (Kennedy). These two women made serious advancements by proposing options to move from cloth diapers to disposable ones. Amazing!

I can hear you breathing

It’s rare that I have the opportunity to accuse my wife of poor behavior. Normally I have to nitpick to find a mistake, but my chance finally came the other day. My wife spoke to someone on the phone and couldn’t place who she was. I began to describe this woman. “She’s very tall and pretty big. Probably 250 pounds.” My wife responded in only a way I thought a man could. “Oh, she didn’t didn’t sound fat on the phone.”

My eyes lit up and the expression on my face indicated the delight I was instantly enjoying. My wife tried to backpedal, but the damage was done. I simply said, “I didn’t think one could conclude a person’s size by merely hearing a voice. I guess I have been mistaken all these years.” (Totally bogus. I can identify a girthy lady on the phone. There are plenty of clues.)

What do you think? Can you tell if someone is heavy just by hearing them speak on the phone?

Lesson 31: What’s cookin good lookin?

While chatting with coworkers at lunch recently, we discovered something we all had in common:  there is a simple, easy-to-answer question that we are not allowed to ask our wives.  The question is so basic yet has the power to ignite rage in a matter of milliseconds.

Lesson 31: DO NOT come home and ask your wife “What’s for dinner?”

I have been asking this question for years and have received the same answer for years. The conversation goes like this:

Donkey: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know. What are you planning?
Donkey: I didn’t really think about it at work.
Wife: Neither did I.

Usually things kind of end and I make some food so I can keep peace in the house. Sometimes things escalate to Round 2. This happened the other day. I took the bait and continued the conversation:

Donkey: Well, maybe I can come home at 4pm from now on to ensure that I have time to prepare dinner so kids aren’t starving.
Wife: Sounds like a good idea.
Donkey: How come you get angry when I ask this question?
Wife: Because you assume it’s my job to make dinner.
Donkey: Well, uh, if it’s not yours whose would it be?
Wife: It’s no one’s job. You can’t just ask me like the burden is on me. I just don’t like how you ask.
Donkey: So how should I ask this question.
Wife: You could say, “What should we have for dinner” or “Are there plans for dinner?”
Donkey: (thinks to himself, “What’s the difference?”)

So the next day I say, “What’s the plan for dinner?” This sparks the same discussion and she gets upset. The next day I try again:

Donkey: What’s… um. Wait. How should we plan dinner…for…kids…food. How do I word this again???”
Wife: You know what to say. Don’t be stupid.
Donkey: Ok. I’ll just go make spaghetti.

My suggestion: I still don’t have a handle on this, but I am taking suggestions. Definitely don’t ask the question and definitely don’t ask for alternative ways to ask the question because it gets confusing and you’ll be worse off. What has worked for you?

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Please hang up and try your call again

Dear Donkey: My wife hangs up on me in the middle of a discussion when things start heating up. This has been going on for some time. I told her that it bothers me but she continues to do it. What should I do? – Phone Troubles

He says: Give her a taste of her own medicine

At some point most men have dated or have married someone who is what I term a Phone Hag or P-Hag. This is the type of person who gets offended and hangs up when you are in mid-sentence. This actually just happened to me last week. Here are a few approaches that I have used with varying levels of success:

1. Call back and simply say, “Thanks for answering. Obviously you have graduated from 3^rd grade and progressed to 4^th grade. Nice work!”
2. Call back and say, “I’m so sorry. Your phone dropped me. Obviously you have a bad connection. You better fix that.”
3. Call back and utilize some of the skills you picked up at your Crucial Conversations class by saying, “It’s clear you have moved to silence by using the withdrawing technique. Excellent work! I really feel like you have mastered that skill. Now you have both the attacking and withdrawing skills under your belt.”
4. Don’t call back. Wait until she contacts you. It can be via an email, instant message, or phone call. Once she contacts you, begin to respond and then end your thought in mid-sentence and see how well that goes.

Those are my thoughts. Do any readers have other suggestions? What has worked for you? I think number 4 works best because women really respond well to

I am sitting waiting for an annual physical and a thought came to my mind: physicals are totally underrated. Where else can I find this kind of service for just a $15 copay? Sure, I could probably go to some seedy massage place, but that would cost at least $75. I could also probably beg my wife, but after nearly 10 years she isn’t motivated. I am truly excited about this opportunity. In fact, I think I’m going to request quarterly visits from now on.

I propose a new cell phone feature called the ‘muffler’ that enables men to quickly cut the volume in half when entering an elevator while being yelled at by their wives. Actually, we better make it so we can cut by 75%.

Any other features we need to consider?

Making your wife count

All of us husbands can do a better job by showing appreciation for our wives. But did you know you can appreciate your wife through depreciation? This is a crazy concept, but I think I figured it out. Let me explain what I learned at a recent accounting seminar and how it helps demonstrate how much you might appreciate your wife.

At this conference we discussed the fact that companies have to depreciate some of their assets over what’s termed the useful life. For example, a company might purchase a large machine used to manufacture a product. Several numbers are needed to figure out how much to depreciate this machine on a yearly basis. Here are the needed numbers:

• $100,000 initial cost
• $10,000 installation
• $5,000 salvage value (amount the machine can be sold after its useful life is over)
• Useful life of 10 years

In the above example, the company would depreciate the machine $10,500 each year until the 10^th year. [Equation: (($100k + $10k -$5k) / 10 years)] At that point it could be sold for the estimated amount of $5,000. Another fact about accounting is that companies don’t record the value of their employees on their books even though human capital is probably the most valuable thing a company owns.

In honor of my accounting class and wives everywhere, I decided to provide a way for husbands out there to estimate the value of the typical wife and then how to depreciate her on the balance sheet used for the household. (The instructor strongly suggests that families manage finances similar to the way businesses do.) The numbers you need are provided below:

• $936,000 initial cost – I first tried to calculate the cost of acquiring a wife. These costs included attracting the wife (dating, wedding, ring, etc), training the wife (mistakes made learning to cook, clean, do the laundry, take care of you and your kids, etc.), and maintaining the wife (clothing, phone bills, additional gas spent on wrong turns, gossip magazines, etc.). This proved too difficult, so I figured out how much it would cost to employ a wife. I determined I could hire a wife for $15/hr** and would have her work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. This would continue for 20 years. At that point her useful life would end, and I would need to work with what’s left or trade in for a new one.
• -$500,000 salvage value – That’s right, this is a negative number. This is somewhat normal in business. For example, a company may want to dispose of a nuclear facility, but there will be millions of dollars of clean up to remove nuclear waste. The result is a loss. If you decide to part with your wife at the end of her useful life, you will not receive any money. In fact, you will likely incur quite an expense.
• Useful life of 20 years – It seems to me that a wife can handle her husband and her kids for 20 years. That should be enough time to get the kids out of the house and on their own.

With this information we discover that the typical wife should depreciated $71,800 each year. That’s quite an amount! I hope this exercise taught you two things: 1) You can determine the value of a person; 2) The wife is a valuable asset and should be recognized in your financial documentation. With this newly accounted for asset, I believe you might be able to secure a larger loan for your next house since your net worth will be higher.

**I determined $15/hr based on the $5/hr I pay my babysitter and the $10/hr I paid a lady to clean my house once. If you disagree with this number, simply change the amount and run the calculation again.

Here’s a chance for YOU to give the advice.

Question:

If you had to pick, would you choose a woman with a moderate amount of facial hair (not peach fuzz, I’m talking whiskers) or would you choose a woman with a noticeable snaggletooth (think Jewel/Kirsten Dunst)?

[Women, feel free to share your experiences if you are currently advertising or have previously advertised one of these fine offers.]

Rated E for everyone

We were at work the other day doing what’s most important: flipping through a business magazine and rating the models in the ads. We came across a picture of a mature woman (50+), and I asked if people thought she was pretty. It seemed like a simple question but people got really into it and asked, “Do you mean her looks or am I attracted to her or her style?” I told them to rate her on a scale from 1-10. This didn’t satisfy them because we quickly realized we all had different methods of judging a person’s looks.

I provided my perspective and the group seemed somewhat intrigued with my methodology and asked me to document my process. It’s a well known fact that when we were first married I rated my wife a 6, but let me help you understand how I determined this score. (NOTE: I am only evaluating looks – this does not take into consideration the much more important things such as intelligence, cooking ability, and potential inheritance.)

First, you need to identify the criteria you want to evaluate and then assign a weighting to each criterion (the total has to equal 100 or 1.0 if you are thinking in percentages). Then, you assign a rating from 0-10. Next, multiply the weighting and the rating. Finally, add up your numbers to determine the overall rating. Below is the grid I used for my wife. To be fair, I included my own score. You now understand how I came up with my wife’s rating and see that my wife and I are indeed compatible as fellow 6s.

This highlights the fact that a low rating in an important area can really hurt the overall score and that a high or low score in an unimportant area really doesn’t help or hurt. I mean, who cares what a woman’s ears look like? It doesn’t matter to me because she can cover them with hair. (NOTE: A major flaw like a missing ear could require a penalty or deduction. I haven’t figured out the deduction part yet, but I’d say at least a point for each missing ear.)

In our minds we quickly use some sort of scale to process the different people we see each day, and we provide a rating whether or not we readily admit it. Normally once you’re married this practice is done far less and you typically only notice the extremes: the nasty or the beautiful. I must admit that I find myself rating guys these days more than women, but I’m not sure if that means anything. I am way more prone to notice a beefcake working on biceps as opposed to a hottie on the treadmill.

So what features would you include? How can I enhance this scoring system?