WifeAdvice.com

Purse strings attached

Hoodwinked: To be taken in by deceptive means; deceived.

Wardrobe: A collection of clothing belonging to one person.

Can I have those words in a sentence? Sure. Let’s break it down though:

I waged war against my wife’s drobe after her new sweatshirt with a hood winked at me as I stared at the sheer volume of freshly purchased clothing on the floor.

Background
Last week my wife asked me to watch our kids for 3 days so she could have some girl time with her sisters and mom who were in town. I agreed and anxiously awaited the return of my dear wife.

Scenario – Detective Donkey surveys the following scene and uses experienced husband intuition and logic to crack the case.

Saturday, 4:15 p.m. My wife enters the home struggling to carry her duffel bag and 6 enormous shopping bags with new clothes. She mentioned that she was going to purchase a few things, despite the agreement we had which clearly stated that new clothes would be purchased once she reached her goal weight, but I was not prepared for her definition of a few things. The following conversation is true and accurate to the best of my memory.

Donkey: What’s all this?
Wife: I knew you would say that. Don’t worry. I can justify every purchase in those bags, from the sandals and shoes to the pants and shirts. I didn’t buy anything I didn’t need.
Donkey (Reaches into a shopping bag, randomly pulls out an item, notes price tag): $25 for a rainbow colored beach bag?!?!
Wife: Wait, hold on… before you start talking about prices… A lot of the things I bought were not actually the price that you see.  I got a bunch of things on sale, and some of the discounts you won’t be able to see on the tags.
Donkey: So how much was this bag?
Wife (Nervously laughs): Uh, well it was $25 actually.
Donkey: And the justification?
Wife (Nervously laughs again): Well it’s kind of hard to explain.  But I really do need it. But everything else is stuff I needed even more.  And the prices really are lower than what you’ll see.
Donkey (Walks off victoriously): I think my work here is done.

Suburbia is safe again. Detective Donkey has solved the unsolvable. It will be a long time before this Sultan of Spending strikes again.

UPDATE: My wife and I have since had another conversation on this topic which is equally amusing.

Benedict for a son

One of the slimiest things I ever did as a kid was telling on my friend for hiding the eraser at school. It’s a known fact that you can’t rat your friend out. Luckily I wasn’t busted by my classmates, but I knew what I had done was wrong. I think almost all kids know this, and yet, for some reason they love telling on their fathers when they know dad has pushed the envelope just a little too far.

The other day I was showing my kids some funny videos on hulu and remembered one of my favorite videos. It’s from SNL and is a spoof of Yo Gabba Gabba. This episode is called the Tizzle Wizzle Show. I promise that you will laugh if you have seen Yo Gabba Gabba. I was watching this with my three kids ages 8-3 and quickly realized that I had made a mistake. Knives? Pills? A battle to the death? What was I thinking? I let the video end and hoped that they would forget about this because I knew the danger I just put myself in. Only my oldest son could understand that this was a parody. The other two were thoroughly confused. I ended the video session and dismissed the kids to other activities. Two days later my wife confronted me when I walked in from work. Here’s how the conversation played out:

Wife: (angrily) Why in the world did you let the kids watch that video? I told you not to show them that when you showed it to me.
Donkey: (playing dumb) What video? (I already knew what had happened)
Wife: Tommy told me all about it. Why did you do that?
Donkey: Where is Tommy? (I pretended to be concerned, but I was looking for blood. My eyes darted across the room until I saw him smiling on the stairs peeking out from behind the wall. He was actually laughing at me.)
Donkey: Oh. Sorry about that.
Wife: (yells for a few minutes and then leaves)
Donkey: Tommy! Why did you tell on me? I’m not going to show you any funny videos anymore.
Wife: (yells from upstairs) Are you serious? What’s wrong with you? I heard that!
Tommy: Yeah Daddy. What’s wrong with you? (smiles and runs away)

You know what’s wrong with me? I trusted a kid.

Scheduled meltdown

Lots of things come to guys naturally: going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, getting a good stretch in, staring off into space, and much more. One thing that might not come naturally to us is the ability to spontaneously compliment our wives. I am particularly poor at complimenting people, especially my wife. I just can’t seem to find a good way to bring up the fact that she is wearing a certain color shirt or that she has her hair in a certain style.

“Hey, you’ve got a blue shirt on… … … That’s good.”

“Oh, I see you’ve washed and brushed your hair. Good job.”

So I choose to say nothing.

I set a goal a few years ago to compliment my wife weekly to see if this would become more natural over time. This was a fleeting dream until I had an idea that would prove to be the best of times and the worst of times.

Lesson 33: Scheduling a time to compliment you wife is a risky move, especially if she has access to your calendar.

I began scheduling time at the beginning of each week to provide my wife with a few compliments. Although it never became habitual, I was beginning to impress my wife by at least making attempts on a weekly basis. Things were successful for a few weeks until my wife synchronized our calendars. “What’s this?” she asked herself as she looked at one of my agenda items. I immediately received a call and learned that it’s a sad state of affairs when a husband has to schedule time to compliment his wife. I abandoned this practice at once and reverted back to my pre-calendar state.

My suggestion: Don’t put stuff like this on your calendar. Not only will you get your wife mad, but you will embarrass yourself during a meeting in which your laptop is being used to display an important project. BING! Here comes a reminder to … compliment your wife??? A good idea might be to pre-write a bunch of compliments and then put them in your toiletries drawer. That way you will remember every day (or every few days depending on cleaning habits) to compliment your wife.

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Lookin’ to get fixed

Dear Donkey and Wife: My wife and I have two kids and aren’t sure if we should have another one. Any advice? We haven’t had any arguments yet. We don’t know how to decide. And what should we do if this is it for us? – Potentially closing up shop

He says: The husband is the winner this time

Shutting down the baby factory is a difficult decision. I don’t think I can give an answer without the full details. Unfortunately there isn’t a blanket answer. I do have an answer for the second question: What should you do if you decide to stop having kids.

There were serious complications when we had our fourth child so we  decided to call it quits. Our doctor shared a little piece of wisdom with us that I would like to pass on to you. I think this will help.

He said that undergoing any surgery is serious; whether it’s a vasectomy or getting tubes tied. But he recommended that my wife go through with the procedure if we planned on doing something permanent because it’s my wife who was in danger.

He said to me, “What if you undergo the knife, and then your wife dies some time later and you get remarried to a young lady looking to have kids. What will you do? Reversing a vasectomy is not always successful and you may not be able to give your new wife what she wants.”

My interpretation: I might need to party if my wife dies, and I’ll want all my peeps there to support me.

I thought my wife would go crazy when he said this to us, but she said it made sense. We ended up choosing neither option, but maybe this advice will come in handy for you.

Oh, here’s something else the doctor said that we thought was funny: “You need to be comfortable being sterile.” I still haven’t found a way to work that into a conversation, but I am committed to keep trying.

I got it covered

I don’t do enough writing from the dad perspective, but I know a lot of husbands out there are also fathers. I have four kids and it gets tough to give them all enough attention with the amount of energy I have. So today I will describe a classic game that has been around in my family for generations: BLANKET MONSTER

Step 1: Obtain a blanket
Step 2: Cover yourself with the blanket
Step 3: Crawl around and chase the kids for a minute
Step 4: Retreat and curl up under the blanket
Step 5: Occasionally grab a leg or arm and tickle the kids while you rest on the floor covered up

At this point the kids will help each other escape while you are practically sleeping under the blanket. Once in a while you need to endure a jump to the stomach from the couch, but otherwise it’s smooth sailing. I can keep this game going for 30 minutes while the kids remain entertained.

Alternate version: Instead of trying to sleep, turn the television on and listen to a show. If you have an afghan, you can even watch the show through the little holes. Your kids won’t even notice.

Warning!! Do not try to grab or tickle your wife. While there may be times for that, blanket monster is certainly not one of them. Most women won’t like being attacked by a body-less hand reaching out from under a blanket. I can’t explain it. This is just a dad and kids game.

I welcome information on any other lazy games that you may know about.

Potty Talk

Last week I challenged myself to sit down for every bathroom visit to better understand the female point of view. My wife has made outrageous claims over the years by stating that she never knows what is going to come out when she sits on the toilet. Read more here.

Results

1. There were certainly no surprises. I have found a few women who agree with my wife’s claims, but the majority of women I have spoken to tell me that my wife is unique. Perhaps they are lying to me, but it sounds like my wife is on her own with this one.
2. I couldn’t make it the entire 7 days. I made it for 3 days and then had to call it quits. I did learn that sitting down on the toilet every time is terrible. I had no room to put my stuff down, I had to waste an extra minute every trip, I was worried about drinking anything because I didn’t want to go to the bathroom, and of course I was worried about the germs.

Overall it was a great experiment, but one which I will not try again.

Porcelain Point of Contention

Ever walk into a room and been completely surprised? Sure. Ever walk into the bathroom and been completely surprised? Of course. Every time I see the hair straightener on the counter still turned on after ten hours of not being used. Ever go to use the toilet and been surprised at what your body is telling you to do? If you are a female, you are probably nodding in the affirmative. If you are a male, you are probably completely confused if this has never come up in your marriage.

Situation: I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. My wife decided to infiltrate the room and sat on the toilet. Suddenly she yelled, “Quick. Get out!”

Confused, I asked, “What’s happening?” I was thrown out only later to hear an explanation from my wife. “Sorry. I thought I just needed to pee, but then realized something else had to happen.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked. She then explained that whenever she sits down on the toilet she is surprised by what her body might require: maybe it’s to pee, maybe poo, and maybe just some gas. My mind was blown. I always know exactly what is going to happen when I enter the bathroom. In fact, my mind subconsciously develops a plan and I am in and out of there with great efficiency. I know some guys go into the bathroom with a magazine and a plan to stay for an hour, but the fact remains, they have a plan and they know what the future holds.

My wife said, “Things would be totally different if you had to sit down every time you had to pee. You would wouldn’t always know what would happen next.” We have argued about this for several years, but I am finally ready to resolve this debate.

Challenge: For one week I will sit down on the toilet every time I need to go to the bathroom, no matter what my initial plan is. I will then document the experience and provide a report to you. Men, feel free to join me in this challenge. The more data points the better. Please document your experiences in the comment section. Let’s not get too graphic though. I have a high suspicion that this oddity is either unique to my wife or to women in general.

Related Posts:

• Marriage Advice: Sharing a bathroom with a spouse can get messy
• Bathroom Rules… Is it ok for a husband and wife to be in the bathroom together while one is using the toilet?
• For A Good Time, Call A Donkey?

Lesson 32: Planning to fail

In the corporate world executives strive to develop the next wave of successors to be ready for eventual promotion opportunities. Without a fresh pool of qualified talent, disaster can strike when an executive is suddenly removed from office because of death, fraud, illness, or other unanticipated reasons. Although the impact to a company can be devastating if a successor isn’t in the wing when an executive leaves, the results are certainly more disastrous when a successor for your wife is in the wing.

Lesson 32: Do not engage in any conversation that results in a succession plan for your wife, especially when that conversation is with your wife.

Several years ago my wife asked me what I would do if she died. “What kind of woman would you go for?” she asked. I thought about it for a while and innocently gave some answers. “Small, cute, smart, blonde, rich, spiritual.” She responded positively and then asked me to identify some people we know who might fit some of my descriptions.

I’m not sure why, but the alarms weren’t going off in my head. “Hmmm,” I thought. I then opened my mouth and that’s where the trouble started as I provided several names of people we have known who might be good replacements should tragedy strike. She began questioning me, “Why her? What’s so great about her?” And then, “Really? Do you find her attractive? Is there something I should know?”

Struggling, I tried to crawl up the carefully polished, aluminum slide that I was suddenly faced with. It was as if I had socks on my feet and hands – I was only going down. In fact, I was questioned for the next few weeks at random to explain myself and what made me name a certain person.

My suggestion: Never ever suggest that your wife could be replaced with a successor. What’s the point? It only throws doubt in her mind. Some might be tempted to rattle off some nasty ladies as successors thinking this is a good idea. Don’t do this either. Although your wife might feel safe as you mention grotesque people, she will wonder if she is in the same league as these beasts. That plan will backfire. Instead, when your wife asks this questions, tell her, “I pray for your safety every day and plan on loving you forever. No one could ever fill your shoes.” She’ll buy that because that’s what she wants to hear. Leave the succession planning to corporate experts.

The Donkey shares some of The Wife’s intimate journal memories and stories from her childhood experiences on a rural Michigan farm. Grammatical errors and farm-talk left in for effect.  (Read the original debate: Down on The Farm?)

July 4 – Independunce Day

I think the fourfth of July is one of my favorite holidays. First of all I love that we defeeted the Britush at the Elmo. I wonder if thats where that Sesume Street charakter got his name from. Second I love fireworx. We couldnt afford none but Pa created his own. He spent the gas money for the car and got Jiffy Pop and started roastin it. Then he took some dung balls from the field and lit them on fire and placed them on top of the Jiffy Pop. Eventally the Jiffy Pop exploded and the poop went shootin off into the night. We ran all around trying to avoid fallin poop. Pa howled somethin awful at the site. Ma laffed too. Sadly Ezekiel got a poop ball to the head and it burned him a little. I hope he comes over tomorrow still.

FifthI love watermelon. We couldnt git none this year since the saloon was all out so Ma shaved some ice and dripped some chicken blood and sugar into it. Then she put some beetles in there. Next she squished the ice into balls like watermelons. The ice tasted good but i didn’t like the beetles none. i spat them out at Liza-Jane. She got mad cause she hates beetles and therefore watermelons.

Anyways I love the fourfth. Plus today we put hay in Jethros overalls and he had a horrible itch all night.

Don’t make junior cry

Ever open a present and wonder what possessed the person who bought it to actually wrap and deliver it? I’m sure many of us husbands have been guilty of this in the past.

Does the following sound familiar? It’s last minute and you decide to grab something off the shelf just so you can say you had a present under the tree. “At least she can open something on Christmas. She can always return it.” This approach has worked with moderate success in the past, but wives are catching on. They don’t want just anything. They want thought. They want planning. And now, they want us to make the return for the poorly chosen gift. What will we do? Luckily the other day I had a flash of inspiration that will help you next year. It’s based on an experience I had last week.

My friend told me he bought his wife a jewelry box for Christmas. He had noticed that his wife’s box was falling apart. I guess this guy was going for husband of the year award or something. Anyway, he went to some fancy place and got conned by the saleswoman to purchase a jewelry box for $40. When he showed me the box I almost died. It was clear with bright, colorful circles all over it. It looked like something a little girl would keep her My Little Pony toys in. He decided to show the box to a girl at work for a second opinion. She also laughed and said it looked like it belonged to a third grader. He was panicked because it was two days before Christmas and he did not have time to return the item.

I asked how this could have happened. He mentioned that he and his son were in the shop and saw this one and picked it out. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Your son was with you?” He said yes.

“Problem solved,” I exclaimed. “Just tell her that your son picked it out. Tell her that you had seen another one that was better for a mature woman, but you couldn’t deny your son the opportunity to participate in his own mother’s Christmas present. Do you think she can actually complain knowing that you thoughtfully planned to include your children? Of course you need to make sure your son is present when she opens it. You won’t be bringing any gifts back this year – that box is a keeper!”

He asked, “Do you think she will buy it?”

“Of course she will. How could she not?”

He asked several women at work if they would fall for the story and they all said they would. The men he asked applauded the idea and pronounced it as a true Christmas miracle. I got a text on Christmas morning from him that simply said, “Your idea worked.”

Another satisfied customer. Feel free to use this for anniversaries, holidays, and of course birthdays. I’m not sure how far one could take this, but I think next year I will try this approach and get my wife some soda for my office. “Sorry, the kids really thought you would want the soda so you would have something for me.”