WifeAdvice.com

You made your bed..

I decided to provide my own answer to my last question regarding bed size and level of intimacy. Is there a correlation? The simple answer is yes. However, from the comments on this site and from discussions with friends, it seems like there is a clear division in opinion: some believe the smaller bed produces higher levels of intimacy and others believe the larger bed produces higher levels.

I’ve illustrated the two scenarios below. (click to see larger version)

In the smaller bed we find the couple close together with really nowhere to run [Note the fear on the husband's face as he foresees the inevitable]. I recognize that intimacy in a small bed may not be that likely in the summer, especially if you don’t have air conditioning. Who isn’t irritable when some sweaty creature touches her stubbly legs to yours? Yuck! This is supported by the fact that most babies–in the U.S. at least– are born in the summer months. The small bed sees the most action when it’s cold, 9 months earlier.

In the second scenario we find the couple spread out as far as possible. To the woman’s surprise she can’t find her husband in the dark. It turns out that he’s hiding on the other side of the bed in the opposite corner [Again, note the fear on the husband's face, only this time it's because he thinks he might be found].

Based on my informal study I have determined that larger beds see less action, regardless of weather conditions. There are several possibilities for this including:

• scared husbands purposely buy large beds so they can hide
• people who can afford large beds don’t have time for intimacy
• large beds are typically creakier since they are damaged more easily through the moving process and thus used less often
• large beds are typically owned by larger people who may be less intimate than smaller people
• large beds are covered by even more pillows and decorations than smaller beds making it impossible to even get into the bed

These are just ideas; I have no supporting data.

So next time you visit your friends’ house or your parents’ house, check out the bedroom and take note of the bed size. I think you’ll find that on this point I’m right more often than not.

Leading the witness

I’m not a prisoner and don’t want to be even though marriage may feel like that for some people. Other people of course, not me. And this situation doesn’t really fit the classic definition of a prisoner’s dilemma. And I’m certainly not a witness.

But I do feel like I am close to being held captive. And this is a dilemma. And I do feel like I am being led down a dark path.

While driving in the car yesterday my wife suddenly said, “You have an opportunity to score some points. You can say something nice.”

As feeling slowly left my legs and my stomach rolled like the ocean, I desperately tried to interpret this. Why didn’t she just tell me what happened so I could praise her? We both could have won. Instead, she gave me the opportunity to win big or lose big. The crazy thing is that if I lose she will be angry and also lose. I guess the payout is good for her if I can imagine up whatever she wants me to say – she would be really happy.

“Well, you did a great job organizing the office,” I said. “Was that it?” She replied with a no. ” I then pleaded, “Why don’t you give me a hint so I can try to be your mind.” She was a little annoyed and said to forget it. Just then we got interrupted.

I ask you now, what could she have meant? I need some ideas before she asks me again. I don’t think it had to do with looks because she just mentioned that she hasn’t had a haircut for a while and her clothes looked pretty standard. It must be something she accomplished.

Name that tune

I know lots of you dads are subjected to the endless cds of kids sing along songs while driving in the car. Some of the most annoying ones are John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, Six Little Ducks, She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain, The Green Grass Grew All Around, and of course The Song That Doesn’t End. If you are really unlucky, your wife might even play these in the house.

I’ve recently been spending more time in the car with the kids and have noticed several things about these songs. First, many have a religious tone. I was surprised to see Battle Hymn of the Republic on a ton of kids cds. I think that can be a good thing. Second, there are a lot about men. You should search it if you don’t believe me. I think I’ve found at least 15 with some guy’s name in the title. I guess that’s not too bad, but I’ve also noticed a third thing: they seem to be laced with double meanings and weird messages. Some are less obvious than others but trust me on this too. I want to focus on a song that involves the second and third realizations I’ve just discovered.

The song is called John Brown’s Baby. There are only two lines in the entire song, but like most of these songs, kids sing the lines over and over again which causes the adult mind to tune out the lyrics while innocent children are brainwashed. The lines are:

John Brown’s baby had a cold upon his chest
So they rubbed it with camphorated oil.

That’s not too bad, but after these lines are sung several times the children are encouraged to remove a word and replace it with a silly sound effect. Typically the first word removed is ‘baby.’ On our cd the word is replaced with a noise that sounds like a penny whistle. Kids sing the lines a few times and then remove a second word which is usually ‘cold.’ This is also replaced with a strange sound effect. At this point there are now two words which are replaced by sounds. This continues until you hear this:

John Brown’s (blank) had a (blank) upon its (blank)
So they (blanked) it with (blank) oil.

I don’t think I would have caught this clever deception if it weren’t for the weird penny whistle sound that immediately followed John Brown’s name. Come on. Am I to really believe that this song wasn’t made up by a bunch of inmates during recess time on the shanking field? This had to be the strangest thing I have ever heard in my life, and my wife was supporting the entire thing! I guess I’m no longer the number one offender for letting kids watch/listen to questionable material.

(NOTE: I tried to find a link so you could hear the song about John Brown’s blank and judge for yourself, but I can only find sites that require a download and don’t want to promote them. Maybe someone can find it for everyone else.)

What’s in a name?

I’ve received several messages from worried fans because we haven’t written for a while. Fear not. The Wife has been having explosive diarrhea and I’ve been cleaning the house. It’s all a big joke until someone eats a bunch of bonbons.

I think that will get me in a lot of trouble, but it has been a while since the pot has been stirred publicly. We have been busy buying a house and I have changed jobs, but I think the madness will be ending soon. Plus, I have a long list of posts based on these experiences. The Wife even said she might write again, but we’ve heard that before.

I was thinking the other day about how creepy the name Bert is. In fact, almost any name including the name Bert is creepy. Think about it. When was the last time you met a cool Bert? Look at the list below and tell me one name that isn’t likely to be found on some sort of perpetrator list. Perhaps it’s because a lot of these names sound like ‘pervert’. I’ve actually ranked these in order of creepiness and likelihood of showing up on some type of watch list. Feel free to add names or defend your own ‘Bert’.

-Herbert (my grandfather’s middle name and #1 creepy Bert variation)
-Hubert
-Albert
-Bertram
-Norbert
-Egbert
-Bert
-Engelbert
-Lambert
-Dilbert
-Bertrand
-Wilbert
-Gilbert

I would like to note two things. First, Robert is the only possible exception to this rule. Second, Bertha should not be forgotten. Although you might not find this name on a perpetrator list, you should definitely avoid this person at all costs if you are considering a romantic relationship.

What does this have to do with wife advice? Not much, but it’s certainly information people need to be aware of. I’m just thankful there is a forum like this to notify the public.

Shattered dreams

I had a dream.

A profound statement if you are trying to rid the world of racism, but a dangerous statement for a husband. This is especially dangerous if the dream includes a woman other than the husband’s wife.

Have any of you husbands out there been reprimanded for your dreams?

Mother’s Day Wrap-Up

As usual, I just cleaned the house and made a delicious dinner for my wife (Tandoori chicken). I gave her the standard coupons for a free back rub, foot massage, etc. The kids and I made a Mother’s Day Family Feud game in PowerPoint. The first question was related to why we love mom. The second was related to what mom can work on in the next year so she can be a better mom. She didn’t seem to receive this too well and didn’t seem that excited about the day. I should add that all of the answers to both questions were provided by the kids.

I’m not sure, but I think I’m noticing a trend for most women. Is it just me or do most mom’s want a day off from being a mom on Mother’s Day?

This month is Gauging Your Wife’s Mood Month. The Donkey provides quick tips for determining your wife’s mood at the end of a day. Don’t wonder how her day went…know how her day went!

Kiss this!

Another great way to determine how your wife’s day went–besides the number of open food containers in the house–is her reaction to affection. The following reactions to common types of affection such as a kiss, hug, or slap on the back will provide the necessary clues:

1. The move away. If your wife moves away when you try to advance, this is a clear sign that there is a problem. But what’s not clear is whether it’s your fault or not. Go in for a second try. If she accepts, then it isn’t your fault and you can grab a sandwich while she tells the tale. If she stills avoids, then it’s best to leave at once.
2. The push away. If you are physically repelled during the attempt at affection, then you should know that everything is your fault, or so it may be in your wife’s mind. You should quietly, yet deliberately, walk out of the room and get changed. Stay away for at least 15 minutes unless she needs help with dinner.
3. The embrace and cry. This is a bad one, but the good news is that it’s someone else’s fault. Don’t worry about it. You can either look at your watch and pretend you need to be somewhere so you don’t have to get involved or you can stick around and listen to what’s happened. It wouldn’t hurt to be faced toward the television so you can multitask while she is reliving the story.
4. The warm acceptance. Although rare, this reaction is highly desired and should be favorable for you. Don’t fool yourself though. You probably haven’t done anything great, but you’ve at least managed to stay out of trouble.
5. The verbal warning. Yes my friends, at times you may not even be able to attempt the affectionate maneuver before your wife yells at you to get out of the room. Simply oblige and run. Try to figure out what you have done and identify a fall guy. That’s your only chance!

Stay tuned…

I wish I were around for the advent of the television. It must have been crazy to see a box with people in it for the first time. It also must have impacted the institution of marriage in dramatic ways. For instance, husbands were no longer subjected to endless dialogue and could now have a little downtime while wives across the world spent time with the tv. Well, I thought I could take advantage of the television to get some of my own personal time.

Lesson 34: Don’t turn on the television to distract your wife like she is a baby enthralled by a colorful rattle.

One evening I was feverishly working on the laptop to finish a project due the next day. My wife spent the evening trying to engage me in discussion by telling me stories, asking me questions, and even inviting me to watch a movie with her. I should have stopped her right away to explain the deadline I was under but instead pretended to listen to her and occasionally responded with an, “Oh really?” and “Hmm.”

Realizing she wasn’t getting the hint and that I didn’t have time to explain my situation, I thought of an alternative. I remembered that The Mentalist was recording on Tivo. This is one of my wife’s favorite shows. While she was telling me yet another story, I broke away from work and engaged her eyes. I nodded affirmatively as she spoke while slowly reaching for the remote. Unbeknownst to her, I turned the television on and started The Mentalist. Startled, she looked at the television and then looked back at me. I started working again and said surprised, “Oh, your favorite show. Good idea. Why don’t you watch that for a while.”

I realized my acting skills were not convincing as my wife grabbed the remote and turned the show off. “Did you just turn the television on to distract me so you could go back to what you were doing?” she asked very annoyed.

“Well, yes. I have a lot to do,” I said. She responded, “You should have just told me.”

She abruptly walked off and I continued to work.

My suggestion: Even though I was able to continue working, I propose an alternative approach. Just let your wife know up-front when you are busy and can’t talk. Explain the situation to her. More often than not she will understand.

Wives aren’t that easy to distract with the television anymore. Perhaps this technique worked for my grandfather, but these days televisions are part of our lives – especially our wives’ lives.

This month is Gauging Your Wife’s Mood Month. The Donkey provides quick tips for determining your wife’s mood at the end of a day. Don’t wonder how her day went…know how her day went!

Pantry Problems

Husbands around the globe face risk and potential demise each time they come home at the end of a hard day of work. “What kind of mood is my wife in today?” desperate men everywhere ask themselves. It’s nearly impossible for many men to gauge and can be worse than playing Russian Roulette. If you are a husband who has considered pressing your ear to the front door to listen for bloodcurdling noises, then these tips will change your life.

When entering the house immediately look to the kitchen. Crumbs on the carpet, open pantry doors, and empty food containers on the counter (especially cookies, bonbons, and ice cream) are key indicators in determining how your wife’s day went. The more of this you observe, the worse her day was. Thus, the more you might consider high-tailing it to the shower.

NOTE: If you come home and see an empty can of Easy Cheese on the floor surrounded by Twinkie wrappers and the distinct stench of hot dog in the air, please, please get back into your car and drive. Don’t stop. There is no telling what has happened that day!