I wish I were around for the advent of the television. It must have been crazy to see a box with people in it for the first time. It also must have impacted the institution of marriage in dramatic ways. For instance, husbands were no longer subjected to endless dialogue and could now have a little downtime while wives across the world spent time with the tv. Well, I thought I could take advantage of the television to get some of my own personal time.

Lesson 34: Don’t turn on the television to distract your wife like she is a baby enthralled by a colorful rattle.

One evening I was feverishly working on the laptop to finish a project due the next day. My wife spent the evening trying to engage me in discussion by telling me stories, asking me questions, and even inviting me to watch a movie with her. I should have stopped her right away to explain the deadline I was under but instead pretended to listen to her and occasionally responded with an, “Oh really?” and “Hmm.”

Realizing she wasn’t getting the hint and that I didn’t have time to explain my situation, I thought of an alternative. I remembered that The Mentalist was recording on Tivo. This is one of my wife’s favorite shows. While she was telling me yet another story, I broke away from work and engaged her eyes. I nodded affirmatively as she spoke while slowly reaching for the remote. Unbeknownst to her, I turned the television on and started The Mentalist. Startled, she looked at the television and then looked back at me. I started working again and said surprised, “Oh, your favorite show. Good idea. Why don’t you watch that for a while.”

I realized my acting skills were not convincing as my wife grabbed the remote and turned the show off. “Did you just turn the television on to distract me so you could go back to what you were doing?” she asked very annoyed.

“Well, yes. I have a lot to do,” I said. She responded, “You should have just told me.”

She abruptly walked off and I continued to work.

My suggestion: Even though I was able to continue working, I propose an alternative approach. Just let your wife know up-front when you are busy and can’t talk. Explain the situation to her. More often than not she will understand.

Wives aren’t that easy to distract with the television anymore. Perhaps this technique worked for my grandfather, but these days televisions are part of our lives – especially our wives’ lives.

Lots of things come to guys naturally: going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, getting a good stretch in, staring off into space, and much more. One thing that might not come naturally to us is the ability to spontaneously compliment our wives. I am particularly poor at complimenting people, especially my wife. I just can’t seem to find a good way to bring up the fact that she is wearing a certain color shirt or that she has her hair in a certain style.

“Hey, you’ve got a blue shirt on… … … That’s good.”

“Oh, I see you’ve washed and brushed your hair. Good job.”

So I choose to say nothing.

I set a goal a few years ago to compliment my wife weekly to see if this would become more natural over time. This was a fleeting dream until I had an idea that would prove to be the best of times and the worst of times.

Lesson 33: Scheduling a time to compliment you wife is a risky move, especially if she has access to your calendar.

I began scheduling time at the beginning of each week to provide my wife with a few compliments. Although it never became habitual, I was beginning to impress my wife by at least making attempts on a weekly basis. Things were successful for a few weeks until my wife synchronized our calendars. “What’s this?” she asked herself as she looked at one of my agenda items. I immediately received a call and learned that it’s a sad state of affairs when a husband has to schedule time to compliment his wife. I abandoned this practice at once and reverted back to my pre-calendar state.

My suggestion: Don’t put stuff like this on your calendar. Not only will you get your wife mad, but you will embarrass yourself during a meeting in which your laptop is being used to display an important project. BING! Here comes a reminder to … compliment your wife??? A good idea might be to pre-write a bunch of compliments and then put them in your toiletries drawer. That way you will remember every day (or every few days depending on cleaning habits) to compliment your wife.

In the corporate world executives strive to develop the next wave of successors to be ready for eventual promotion opportunities. Without a fresh pool of qualified talent, disaster can strike when an executive is suddenly removed from office because of death, fraud, illness, or other unanticipated reasons. Although the impact to a company can be devastating if a successor isn’t in the wing when an executive leaves, the results are certainly more disastrous when a successor for your wife is in the wing.

Lesson 32: Do not engage in any conversation that results in a succession plan for your wife, especially when that conversation is with your wife.

Several years ago my wife asked me what I would do if she died. “What kind of woman would you go for?” she asked. I thought about it for a while and innocently gave some answers. “Small, cute, smart, blonde, rich, spiritual.” She responded positively and then asked me to identify some people we know who might fit some of my descriptions.

I’m not sure why, but the alarms weren’t going off in my head. “Hmmm,” I thought. I then opened my mouth and that’s where the trouble started as I provided several names of people we have known who might be good replacements should tragedy strike. She began questioning me, “Why her? What’s so great about her?” And then, “Really? Do you find her attractive? Is there something I should know?”

Struggling, I tried to crawl up the carefully polished, aluminum slide that I was suddenly faced with. It was as if I had socks on my feet and hands – I was only going down. In fact, I was questioned for the next few weeks at random to explain myself and what made me name a certain person.

My suggestion: Never ever suggest that your wife could be replaced with a successor. What’s the point? It only throws doubt in her mind. Some might be tempted to rattle off some nasty ladies as successors thinking this is a good idea. Don’t do this either. Although your wife might feel safe as you mention grotesque people, she will wonder if she is in the same league as these beasts. That plan will backfire. Instead, when your wife asks this questions, tell her, “I pray for your safety every day and plan on loving you forever. No one could ever fill your shoes.” She’ll buy that because that’s what she wants to hear. Leave the succession planning to corporate experts.

While chatting with coworkers at lunch recently, we discovered something we all had in common:  there is a simple, easy-to-answer question that we are not allowed to ask our wives.  The question is so basic yet has the power to ignite rage in a matter of milliseconds.

Lesson 31: DO NOT come home and ask your wife “What’s for dinner?”

I have been asking this question for years and have received the same answer for years. The conversation goes like this:

Donkey: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know. What are you planning?
Donkey: I didn’t really think about it at work.
Wife: Neither did I.

Usually things kind of end and I make some food so I can keep peace in the house. Sometimes things escalate to Round 2. This happened the other day. I took the bait and continued the conversation:

Donkey: Well, maybe I can come home at 4pm from now on to ensure that I have time to prepare dinner so kids aren’t starving.
Wife: Sounds like a good idea.
Donkey: How come you get angry when I ask this question?
Wife: Because you assume it’s my job to make dinner.
Donkey: Well, uh, if it’s not yours whose would it be?
Wife: It’s no one’s job. You can’t just ask me like the burden is on me. I just don’t like how you ask.
Donkey: So how should I ask this question.
Wife: You could say, “What should we have for dinner” or “Are there plans for dinner?”
Donkey: (thinks to himself, “What’s the difference?”)

So the next day I say, “What’s the plan for dinner?” This sparks the same discussion and she gets upset. The next day I try again:

Donkey: What’s… um. Wait. How should we plan dinner…for…kids…food. How do I word this again???”
Wife: You know what to say. Don’t be stupid.
Donkey: Ok. I’ll just go make spaghetti.

My suggestion: I still don’t have a handle on this, but I am taking suggestions. Definitely don’t ask the question and definitely don’t ask for alternative ways to ask the question because it gets confusing and you’ll be worse off. What has worked for you?

Having hair is the bane of my existence. I hate having hair because I have to shower regularly, I have to pay to get it cut, and it makes me itchy. I recently shaved my head again since it is starting to get warmer and I love it. I try to push head-shaving on everyone. Unfortunately I discovered last week that there are bounds on who I can push my agenda on.

Lesson 30: Don’t shave your kid’s head unless you get approval from your wife

My wife was at the gym the other morning, and I was laying in bed when my kids jumped on me. I noticed how long their hair was and remembered that my wife tasked me with getting them haircuts that day. Several of my kids have heads that are not conducive to a bald look, but my two-year-old (Dimples) has a pretty good shaped head. An impulse went through my mind and I tried to suppress it, but I was taken over by the desire to recruit a fellow skinhead. I grabbed the clippers and began shaving my son’s head. I developed a justification just in case my wife got mad when she saw what I did. I would say, “It was all an accident. I was just trying to practice giving him a haircut and things didn’t go well, so I was forced to shave his head.”

You should be able to fill in the blanks from there based on the fact that you are reading this. Anger, frustration, and sadness are just some of the emotions that my wife experienced when she saw his hair. I provided my justification and explained that we would now be saving $5 a month since my son no longer needed a haircut. These points were disregarded by my wife and I spent the next few hours on the hot seat.

My suggestion: If you really want to shave your kids head, but don’t want to take the blame, do this: Bring your kid to the haircutters. Stand next to the barber as he cuts your kid’s hair. Pretend that you are pointing to a spot on your kid’s head and “accidentally” bump the barber’s hand as he is making a crucial cut or shave. The barber will be forced to shave the rest of the head and you can place the blame on someone else when you report back to your wife.

I’m not sure why I am shocked when a little kid says some crazy thing, but it gets me every time. I’ll never forget when our oldest son saw me step out of the shower several years ago (when he was very young). He blurted out, “Daddy, your [private part] has a mustache.” Although not as shocking, my kids’ quotes recently made me laugh again.

Lesson 29: Don’t laugh when your kids call your wife ‘obese’ or ‘a beast’.

We’ve had a Wii Fit for nearly 6 months now and have only recently opened the box. Our family was gathered around the device for the first time and each took our turn on the board to have an initial assessment done (weight, BMI, balance, etc.). Our kids got on and had their BMIs done and the Wii determined that they were underweight – no surprise there. I then got on and it told me I was average. My wife got on and it told her that she was overweight. The kids seemed so excited to see the meter near the top.

Our oldest said, “Wow mommy, you are almost at the obese section.  What does obese mean?” I snickered as my wife explained what it meant and warned them to be careful, because it’s not a nice thing to call people. This of course ignited a spark in them and they ran around saying that she was obese. Like a good father I stepped in and told them that they couldn’t call anyone obese. Our second son decided to put a clever spin on the rule and shouted, “Mommy is a beast, not obese!” I couldn’t help but laugh as they again began running around chanting, “A BEAST, A BEAST!” My wife looked at them and then at me as I tried to cover up my laughter. I had to hear the ‘you need to be an example’ spiel for a few minutes. I mustered up the most serious face I could and put an end to the chant – but I couldn’t help but laugh on the inside.

My suggestion: If your wife is a plus size, suggest to her that she skip the assessment stage of the Wii Fit until she is alone, or at least suggest that the ‘Obese Meter’ be covered up so the kids can’t see it. I think it would also be wise to show your kids a picture of a real beast so they won’t get confused in the future.

UPDATE: My wife just proofread this post, and of course I’m in trouble again.  Apparently she isn’t technically a “plus size.”  At least that is what she is trying to tell me.  I always thought plus size just meant big, but she’s claiming it has to do with a special section of the store which she has never shopped in. I’m still not so sure, but we’ll save that argument for a future Great Debate.

You may think this post sounds familiar, and it should. Last year I explained that telling your wife about a gift you wanted to get her doesn’t actually count unless you buy it: Lesson 2: It’s Not The Thought That Counts

Well, the lesson was slightly different in a recent experience.

Lesson 28: Don’t tell your wife about the bad gift you almost got her.

As inevitable as it is every December, the time once again neared for my wife to celebrate her birthday. I couldn’t think of anything to get her and was too scared to ask her since she always wants it to be a surprise. I was lamenting about the situation to my coworkers when I suddenly noticed something on my shelf. There, tucked behind some books, was a bouquet of fake flowers. This bouquet was placed in my office as a joke some years back, but I never bothered throwing it away. As I looked at the arrangement of flowers, a light bulb turned on and I realized I had a present to give my wife. I excitedly told my coworkers about the idea, but they weren’t as sold on it. They said something about it being ugly. Whatever. I decided not to give my wife the flowers.

I came home and told my wife about the entire thing and tried to laugh it off. I noticed that she wasn’t laughing. I was then told that telling my wife about bad presents I didn’t buy was worse than good presents that I didn’t buy.

My Suggestion: Just don’t talk to your wife about presents at all. Instead, buy 3-4 possible gifts. Hide them and then provide the gifts one at a time until you feel like you have met your wife’s expectations. You can then return the other gifts that were unused.

For some reason I have always loved shooting people with things. When I was 14 I shot a “wasp” at our teacher (wadded up paper flung through the air with a rubber band). When I was 15 I bought a slingshot and shot my brother out of a tree in our backyard. Then when I was 18 I shot my friend in the leg with a blow dart gun. Every time my family plays paintball we get rid of all the extra paint by lining up against a wall and shooting each other until people drop. These are just a few of the many times I have had the opportunity to punish others. I never realized this pattern existed…until last year. Unfortunately it was at my wife’s expense that I had this realization.

Lesson 27: Don’t shoot your wife in the rump with an airsoft pellet gun no matter how much padding you think she has.

My family came out for Christmas several years ago, and my brother brought several airsoft pellet guns. These guns shoot tiny plastic balls with the help of some air pressure. My brothers and I took turns shooting each other for a while until my wife walked in. I’m not sure what came over me, but I saw her wearing jeans that were a size or three too small. It must have been instinct when she shouted, “Don’t you dare shoot me!” At first I agreed not to, but after a few minutes I realized that I just couldn’t resist the target. A minute later my brothers heard a yelp and came running in. They witnessed about 5 minutes of yelling as my wife outlined the pain she felt. I instantly felt bad and agreed to let her shoot me several times.

My suggestion: Don’t own any airsoft pellet guns. The urge may be too much to resist. If you do end up purchasing these guns, shooting your wife, and agreeing to let her shoot you in return, be sure not to wear skin tight jeans like my wife did. Loose fitting sweat pants absorb the initial sting -I literally couldn’t even tell she shot me.

Some people give money to others without being asked. Others give money only when compelled–perhaps by a robber. I think I normally fall into the latter category. I don’t naturally walk around thinking about things I can do to make other people’s lives better. Unfortunately this applies in my marriage as well.

Lesson 26: Don’t pump gas for your pregnant wife just because onlookers are present.

I am typically the one who fills up the vehicles with gas since my wife drives until the light has been on for days; however, sometimes both of us are in the car when it needs to be filled up. When this occurs, I usually try to convince my wife to get out and fill up the tank, despite the fact that I am the one driving. After some coercion, whining, and begging, she gets out and does it.

Several years ago, when my wife was great with child, we were out one night celebrating our anniversary.  We pulled up to a gas station to fill up; my wife began wiggling out of her seat belt and trying to waddle out of her door when I exclaimed, “What are you doing?”

She responded, “Getting out to fill up the tank.”

“Don’t be crazy; get back in,” I barked.

She replied that it was our anniversary and she wanted to do something nice for me. “You’re always trying to get me to pump the gas,” she said, “Now I’m doing it as a gift to you.”

I yelled, “I’ll pump it.  I don’t want people to think I am forcing my pregnant wife to fill up the tank. I’ll do it.”

Well, I did fill up the tank, but my wife gave me a brief discourse on the fact that I was compelled to do something nice rather than just naturally doing it. Plus, the week before I had not had a problem “forcing” her to fill up the tank when no one was present at the gas station to see it.

My suggestion: Do things for the right reason. But if you are like me and can’t, just make your pregnant wife get out and pump the gas. Who cares what strangers think? You don’t know these people. Just look at your Blackberry while she is pumping away and avoid eye contact with passerbys.

When my wife and I first got married I would frequently try to get her to make me food. I’m not sure if I was indoctrinated by the various musicals I watched as a kid that showed women cooking for men (namely Seven Brides For Seven Brothers), but I had this idea that I would find prepared food on the kitchen table whenever I walked through the door. My wife did not live up to the stereotype; she did some of the cooking, but she typically refused to make simple things that I could easily make on my own.

Lesson 25: Don’t ask your mom how to bake a potato in an attempt to illustrate the fact that your wife isn’t versatile in the kitchen.

One evening my wife and I decided to have baked potatoes, and she flat out refused to do all the work.  I went over to the phone and called my mom. The conversation that my wife heard from the other room went something like this, “Hey mom, I’m just calling because we are wondering how to bake a potato… ”

Like a current running through a piece of copper wire, my wife flew into the room exclaiming, “I know how to bake a potato; don’t be ridiculous.” I explained to my mom that my wife might actually know how to make the potato, and I thanked her for her time. Fuming, my wife went on about how I made her look like a fool to my mom. I didn’t quickly learn my lesson because I have called my mom over the years and have asked how long it takes to boil water, how pink chicken can be, can I cut the mold off of cheese, do grapes really need to be washed, and does syrup have to be in the refrigerator. These questions usually resulted because my wife wouldn’t boil the water, check the chicken, cut the mold off, wash the grapes, or put the syrup away for me.

My suggestion: Don’t call your mom with simple cooking questions. Your wife will get upset if you ask ridiculously obvious questions that she could have answered.

Photo by: Tanya Dropbear