Kiss this!

Another great way to determine how your wife’s day went–besides the number of open food containers in the house–is her reaction to affection. The following reactions to common types of affection such as a kiss, hug, or slap on the back will provide the necessary clues:

1. The move away. If your wife moves away when you try to advance, this is a clear sign that there is a problem. But what’s not clear is whether it’s your fault or not. Go in for a second try. If she accepts, then it isn’t your fault and you can grab a sandwich while she tells the tale. If she stills avoids, then it’s best to leave at once.
2. The push away. If you are physically repelled during the attempt at affection, then you should know that everything is your fault, or so it may be in your wife’s mind. You should quietly, yet deliberately, walk out of the room and get changed. Stay away for at least 15 minutes unless she needs help with dinner.
3. The embrace and cry. This is a bad one, but the good news is that it’s someone else’s fault. Don’t worry about it. You can either look at your watch and pretend you need to be somewhere so you don’t have to get involved or you can stick around and listen to what’s happened. It wouldn’t hurt to be faced toward the television so you can multitask while she is reliving the story.
4. The warm acceptance. Although rare, this reaction is highly desired and should be favorable for you. Don’t fool yourself though. You probably haven’t done anything great, but you’ve at least managed to stay out of trouble.
5. The verbal warning. Yes my friends, at times you may not even be able to attempt the affectionate maneuver before your wife yells at you to get out of the room. Simply oblige and run. Try to figure out what you have done and identify a fall guy. That’s your only chance!

Pantry Problems

Husbands around the globe face risk and potential demise each time they come home at the end of a hard day of work. “What kind of mood is my wife in today?” desperate men everywhere ask themselves. It’s nearly impossible for many men to gauge and can be worse than playing Russian Roulette. If you are a husband who has considered pressing your ear to the front door to listen for bloodcurdling noises, then these tips will change your life.

When entering the house immediately look to the kitchen. Crumbs on the carpet, open pantry doors, and empty food containers on the counter (especially cookies, bonbons, and ice cream) are key indicators in determining how your wife’s day went. The more of this you observe, the worse her day was. Thus, the more you might consider high-tailing it to the shower.

NOTE: If you come home and see an empty can of Easy Cheese on the floor surrounded by Twinkie wrappers and the distinct stench of hot dog in the air, please, please get back into your car and drive. Don’t stop. There is no telling what has happened that day!