Kiss this!

Another great way to determine how your wife’s day went–besides the number of open food containers in the house–is her reaction to affection. The following reactions to common types of affection such as a kiss, hug, or slap on the back will provide the necessary clues:

1. The move away. If your wife moves away when you try to advance, this is a clear sign that there is a problem. But what’s not clear is whether it’s your fault or not. Go in for a second try. If she accepts, then it isn’t your fault and you can grab a sandwich while she tells the tale. If she stills avoids, then it’s best to leave at once.
2. The push away. If you are physically repelled during the attempt at affection, then you should know that everything is your fault, or so it may be in your wife’s mind. You should quietly, yet deliberately, walk out of the room and get changed. Stay away for at least 15 minutes unless she needs help with dinner.
3. The embrace and cry. This is a bad one, but the good news is that it’s someone else’s fault. Don’t worry about it. You can either look at your watch and pretend you need to be somewhere so you don’t have to get involved or you can stick around and listen to what’s happened. It wouldn’t hurt to be faced toward the television so you can multitask while she is reliving the story.
4. The warm acceptance. Although rare, this reaction is highly desired and should be favorable for you. Don’t fool yourself though. You probably haven’t done anything great, but you’ve at least managed to stay out of trouble.
5. The verbal warning. Yes my friends, at times you may not even be able to attempt the affectionate maneuver before your wife yells at you to get out of the room. Simply oblige and run. Try to figure out what you have done and identify a fall guy. That’s your only chance!

Pantry Problems

Husbands around the globe face risk and potential demise each time they come home at the end of a hard day of work. “What kind of mood is my wife in today?” desperate men everywhere ask themselves. It’s nearly impossible for many men to gauge and can be worse than playing Russian Roulette. If you are a husband who has considered pressing your ear to the front door to listen for bloodcurdling noises, then these tips will change your life.

When entering the house immediately look to the kitchen. Crumbs on the carpet, open pantry doors, and empty food containers on the counter (especially cookies, bonbons, and ice cream) are key indicators in determining how your wife’s day went. The more of this you observe, the worse her day was. Thus, the more you might consider high-tailing it to the shower.

NOTE: If you come home and see an empty can of Easy Cheese on the floor surrounded by Twinkie wrappers and the distinct stench of hot dog in the air, please, please get back into your car and drive. Don’t stop. There is no telling what has happened that day!

This month is Game On Month.  The Donkey provides tips on how husbands can squeeze in a little extra video-game time.

From my experience with gamers, I have noticed that they are always trying to sneak off for a quick game or an update on what is going on with their clan even if they only have a 15 minute window. Undoubtedly they get busted by their wives because the wives have an advantage: the element of surprise. Today’s method negates this advantage and allows for additional game playing time. Tell your wife that you have a headache or that you want to read a book. Begin to head to your gaming area, but grab a few essentials along the way: string and some Christmas bells. Tie the bells to the string and place them on the floor heading to your room. You’ve now created a simple alarm to alert you of a potential raid. The string and bells method is on the extreme side; normal household objects would work much better: baby rattles, silverware, plastic cups, or corn flakes.

“Conference Call”

Several husbands have asked me how to get their wives to let them play more video games. Although I don’t play video games much, I’ve caved into the pressure and reached into the vaults of pure genius to find answers for you. My first idea works for those of you who can work from home. This method is effective even after work hours, in fact, it might work better.

Explain to your wife that work is really crazy and that you have to be on a long conference call to resolve a particularly difficult situation. “I was really hoping to bathe the kids and put them to bed, but unfortunately I won’t be able to tonight. In fact, I’ll need the entire room to myself for this call,” you tell her. I recommend using your bedroom or office because taking over the family or living room won’t last long. Once the family is shooed to another room, bust out the game system and go to town.

You may be asking yourself, “What if my wife comes in and doesn’t hear me on the phone?” Simple. Put your phone on speaker phone and dial pretty much any 1-800 number. A soothing voice will come on and begin to ask you to select options from various lists. You don’t really need to pick anything because the questions will be asked over and over again. You might also try the local weather phone service if you have one in your area or the local traffic update line. They both go on forever and repeat after a while. Enjoy your gaming you fanatics of fantasy!

Piping In Cool Air

An obvious way to stay cool is to utilize a ventilation system. Someone mentioned in the comments last time that a husband should leave the bed if it’s too hot. I agree. That is a perfectly acceptable option. Lay down on the floor with your feet near the vent. Wrap yourself in the sheet and then tuck the sheet under your feet. Slide your feet so they pass over the vent and rest them on the other side. (The air should now be blowing on your calves.) If done correctly, your sheet should blow up like a mini planetarium and you will have your own frosty sanctuary.

You can also utilize the vent with a little help from the tubing of toilet paper rolls. If your wife is like mine, you probably have a bunch of these lying around the bedroom and in the bathroom already. I have no idea how she uses so much toilet paper, but it seems like I find an empty roll every other day. First, unravel several rolls and tape them together to form a dome and place it on top of the vent. Cut a circular hole in the top and insert a separate roll. If stable, you can begin to place additional rolls onto the dome to create a long telescope-like structure. Run the tube up to your bed and under your sheets, pillow, pants, or shirt for a nice cool evening. You’ve become Prince of the Pipeline and you have something much more valuable than oil … relief from a veritable human furnace.

Otter Pops To The Rescue

With Summer in full swing, I decided to provide several tips on keeping cool at night. Sleeping next to someone in the Summer heat is no easy task, especially when your bedroom is on the third floor and your thermostat is on the second. My wife always seems to feel cold and likes to sleep with a blanket and curl up next to me, but I just can’t take it in the Summer.

This first idea is inexpensive and relatively easy to implement. Purchase a box of Otter Pops and freeze them as soon as you get home. When you are going to bed that night, grab a few Otter Pops. You now have a few options. First, you could create a frozen barrier by lining the Otter Pops down the middle of the bed. Unlike the Eskimos of yore, your wife will be unlikely to cross the uninhabitable tundra. Second, you could lay the Otter Pops horizontally on the bed in a single column. Place your sheet over the tasty treats and lay down on them. Third, you might simply put a few in the bottom of your pillow case. I’ve heard your head is the key to regulating body heat, so this might be an easy solution.

If things are really bad, you might need to grab a few bags of frozen vegetables or meat. My wife could potentially roll over the Otter Pops, get even colder, and then try harder to get our bodies to generate synergistic heat. With a bag of broccoli and some frozen steaks in her way, your wife will be unable to cross the treacherous conditions.

Feel free to email pictures if you decide to try this, and I will post them on the blog.

]]> http://www.wifeadvice.com/2008/07/quick-tip-keeping-comfortable-at-night-with-frozen-food/feed/ 7 http://www.wifeadvice.com/2008/05/quick-tip-accidentally-speed-dial-friends-and-family-for-your-wife/ http://www.wifeadvice.com/2008/05/quick-tip-accidentally-speed-dial-friends-and-family-for-your-wife/#comments Wed, 21 May 2008 13:40:26 +0000 The Donkey http://www.wifeadvice.com/?p=480 This month is Road Trip Survival Month. The Donkey provides tips on how to survive a long car trip with your wife.

Sorry, Speed Dial

On a long trip, all your wife will want to do it blab blab blab. Why not turn that blabbing on to someone else? Your wife still gets a chance to share her thoughts, but you don’t have to be involved. The question is, “How do I convince my wife to talk to someone else?” Good question. Certainly your wife will be anxious to talk to you since you are now stuck in the car with her instead of being busy at work. I am prepared to provide a simple yet effective solution. This requires a cell phone and a quick hand.

1. Get your cell phone before the trip and preset 5-10 of her family members’ and friends’ numbers in your speed dial
2. Secure the phone in the car. Make sure it is close by so you can grab it without your wife noticing
3. Slyly begin to call down the list of her friends and family.
4. Wait until you hear someone pick up and then shout, “I think someone is on the phone?”
5. Answer and tell the person you bumped their number by mistake, but state, “Why don’t you talk to my wife for a minute. We’re just on a road trip and have plenty of time.”
6. Hand the phone to your wife

Obviously you will still hear your wife talking. If this is still too much, bring along your iPod, put the headphones on, and enjoy a few songs your wife don’t usually let you listen to. You can only get away with this a few times, so save it for emergency situations.

Books Can Be Useful

During our recent trip my wife and I drove all over the place. We went from Virginia to New Jersey, back to Virginia, back up to New Jersey, up to Niagara Falls, down to Pittsburgh, and then back to Virginia. Thanks to construction and mis-hearing the GPS instructions a few times, we spent 25 hours driving. Luckily we had our friends with us for one of the legs, but my wife and I were alone for the other 21 hours of the trip. The trip to Niagara and Pittsburgh was somewhat last minute, so I wasn’t prepared for a long trip in the car. By prepared I don’t mean having snacks, music, books, and other things to do – I mean mentally prepared. I don’t have exact calculations, but I spent at least 4 hours answering questions like, ‘Why did you marry me?” “What do you like about me?” I spent another 2-4 hours listening to my wife cry because I somehow couldn’t figure out the correct answers to her questions. If I only had that paper with my preset answers.

It was this experience that inspired this month’s quick tip series: How to survive a car trip when you are trapped alone with your wife.

The best idea is to get your wife a book so she can occupy herself in the car. My wife has been reading some weirdo book series about vampire teenagers. She brought one of the books in the series with us and read it when she got bored with the baseball games or when there was some down time during the day. Unfortunately she didn’t have it in the car for most of the trip, so I had to be the entertainment. Be sure to get a book that she will enjoy, that is easy to read, and that will last the duration of the trip. NOTE: If your wife gets motion sickness in the car, be sure to get some medicine, otherwise reading will not be an option. ANOTHER NOTE: Try to avoid a sappy love story about high school vampires. There’s only so much you will be able to take as your wife recounts each chapter.

This month is Choose Your Restaurant month. The Donkey provides tips on avoiding chick-food establishments.

A great way to avoid a nasty rabbit food place is to suggest eating at the restaurant when you know the line will be too long to wait. This idea reminds me of situations when someone asks a group of individuals for a volunteer. After the group is asked for help, I look around the room as if I am giving other people the opportunity to volunteer. Really though, I am looking to see who is about to raise their hand or stand up. Just as someone volunteers, I shout out or raise my hand a half-second behind. I get out of the assignment while at the same time I profess my desire to be a team player. Sorry, back to the restaurant…

As with all methods, this could backfire. What happens if you show up to the restaurant and the parking lot looks empty? Volunteer to get your names on the waiting list, even though you are pretty sure there will be no line. Run in and slip the host/hostess $5 to quickly generate a list of customers (equivalent to 45 minutes worth of waiting). Run back out and tell your wife that the wait is almost an hour. Hopefully she will buy your bluff and you can head out for some steak. If she calls your bluff, the high schooler manning the ship will have your back and corroborate your story.

This month is Choose Your Restaurant month. The Donkey provides tips on avoiding chick-food establishments.

We love to go out to eat. It is the one thing I am willing to spend a lot of money on. We normally choose together where to eat, but sometimes my wife will insist on some weird chick-food place. I have eaten at restaurants that only serve salads and other places that don’t serve anything fried in oil. One time I ate a sandwich called Good Things Growing. How can a man live like that? This month I will provide tips that will help you avoid those nasty health conscious yuppie establishments.

When I was in high school I wanted to cause a stir one day, so I bought a bunch of mice. I planned on transporting them to school with the intent to let them loose in the lunch room. I put them in my pockets, but didn’t get very far because they kept biting my legs. Although my plan was unsuccessful then, it provides the foundation for today’s tip. At the beginning of the week, suggest that your wife pick out a restaurant. Tell her that you have had your way too many times. She will appreciate it and select Garden Gourmet. The day before your date, stop at a sporting goods store and pick up a few night crawlers or crickets – and by a few I mean at least 100. If you want to get really crazy pick up some mice, but keep them in a box or something and not your pockets. When you get to the restaurant edge toward a wall or corner and let the havoc begin. While squinting unsurely, slyly point to the critters running and hopping on the floor and ask your wife if she sees something moving. Quickly plug your ears as the screams begin and run after your wife as she bolts toward the car. “Why don’t we go with that steak place we like,” you suggest confidently as you hold her tightly. “I have never seen anything gross in there.” She will agree and appreciate your chivalry. Way to go King Arthur.

photo by lhunt