This month is Choose Your Restaurant month. The Donkey provides tips on avoiding chick-food establishments.

A great way to avoid a nasty rabbit food place is to suggest eating at the restaurant when you know the line will be too long to wait. This idea reminds me of situations when someone asks a group of individuals for a volunteer. After the group is asked for help, I look around the room as if I am giving other people the opportunity to volunteer. Really though, I am looking to see who is about to raise their hand or stand up. Just as someone volunteers, I shout out or raise my hand a half-second behind. I get out of the assignment while at the same time I profess my desire to be a team player. Sorry, back to the restaurant…

As with all methods, this could backfire. What happens if you show up to the restaurant and the parking lot looks empty? Volunteer to get your names on the waiting list, even though you are pretty sure there will be no line. Run in and slip the host/hostess $5 to quickly generate a list of customers (equivalent to 45 minutes worth of waiting). Run back out and tell your wife that the wait is almost an hour. Hopefully she will buy your bluff and you can head out for some steak. If she calls your bluff, the high schooler manning the ship will have your back and corroborate your story.

This month is Choose Your Restaurant month. The Donkey provides tips on avoiding chick-food establishments.

We love to go out to eat. It is the one thing I am willing to spend a lot of money on. We normally choose together where to eat, but sometimes my wife will insist on some weird chick-food place. I have eaten at restaurants that only serve salads and other places that don’t serve anything fried in oil. One time I ate a sandwich called Good Things Growing. How can a man live like that? This month I will provide tips that will help you avoid those nasty health conscious yuppie establishments.

When I was in high school I wanted to cause a stir one day, so I bought a bunch of mice. I planned on transporting them to school with the intent to let them loose in the lunch room. I put them in my pockets, but didn’t get very far because they kept biting my legs. Although my plan was unsuccessful then, it provides the foundation for today’s tip. At the beginning of the week, suggest that your wife pick out a restaurant. Tell her that you have had your way too many times. She will appreciate it and select Garden Gourmet. The day before your date, stop at a sporting goods store and pick up a few night crawlers or crickets – and by a few I mean at least 100. If you want to get really crazy pick up some mice, but keep them in a box or something and not your pockets. When you get to the restaurant edge toward a wall or corner and let the havoc begin. While squinting unsurely, slyly point to the critters running and hopping on the floor and ask your wife if she sees something moving. Quickly plug your ears as the screams begin and run after your wife as she bolts toward the car. “Why don’t we go with that steak place we like,” you suggest confidently as you hold her tightly. “I have never seen anything gross in there.” She will agree and appreciate your chivalry. Way to go King Arthur.

photo by lhunt