Lookin’ to get fixed

Dear Donkey and Wife: My wife and I have two kids and aren’t sure if we should have another one. Any advice? We haven’t had any arguments yet. We don’t know how to decide. And what should we do if this is it for us? – Potentially closing up shop

He says: The husband is the winner this time

Shutting down the baby factory is a difficult decision. I don’t think I can give an answer without the full details. Unfortunately there isn’t a blanket answer. I do have an answer for the second question: What should you do if you decide to stop having kids.

There were serious complications when we had our fourth child so we  decided to call it quits. Our doctor shared a little piece of wisdom with us that I would like to pass on to you. I think this will help.

He said that undergoing any surgery is serious; whether it’s a vasectomy or getting tubes tied. But he recommended that my wife go through with the procedure if we planned on doing something permanent because it’s my wife who was in danger.

He said to me, “What if you undergo the knife, and then your wife dies some time later and you get remarried to a young lady looking to have kids. What will you do? Reversing a vasectomy is not always successful and you may not be able to give your new wife what she wants.”

My interpretation: I might need to party if my wife dies, and I’ll want all my peeps there to support me.

I thought my wife would go crazy when he said this to us, but she said it made sense. We ended up choosing neither option, but maybe this advice will come in handy for you.

Oh, here’s something else the doctor said that we thought was funny: “You need to be comfortable being sterile.” I still haven’t found a way to work that into a conversation, but I am committed to keep trying.

Getting Things Done (GTD) – Get Unstuck

Dear Donkey and Wife: I am lucky because my wife doesn’t have a honey do list for me but she has wanted me to fix our couch for some time now. I don’t care that it dips when you sit in it but i don’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t know how to fix the couch and don’t want to know. What can I do?- Barely a man

He says: GTD all the way!

I am restraining myself because I really want to delve into how you can pawn this off to her or how you can make her feel guilty about projects she hasn’t completed, but i won’t. My advice is always excellent, but today I will give advice that female readers will enjoy too. Plus, I receive questions like this regularly.

I train a class designed to increase productivity based on the book Getting Things Done. I have been using this system for a couple of years now and have been a certified trainer for a year-and-a-half, but i have never fully implemented it at home. This is most likely because I do not want to do the projects assigned by my wife. However, I recently had a very good experience that highlights one of the principles in the training that will help you with this problem.

Our toilet has been broken since we purchased the house four years ago. Every time my wife sits on it, it wobbles back and forth. About six months ago we noticed that the bathroom started to smell pretty bad. We diagnosed it to the fact that the toilet wobbled something loose. I was faced with three options: 1) wait until my wife lost enough weight that the toilet no longer wobbled under the strain, 2) wait for my wife to give up on me and live with the wobbling, 3) fix the toilet. I chose option 2 even though my wife has done an excellent job losing over 30  pounds this year (she still has a good 15 pounds to go).

I was preparing to train this productivity class a month ago and thought about projects that were stuck on my list. The toilet project was at the forefront of my mind. The author of the book explains that one of the reasons we procrastinate things is because we have not determined the next action. We have a project like “Fix couch” on our list, but we do not really know how to begin. What is the first thing we need to do to get this project moving? I realized that this was my problem with the toilet.

I am one of the most useless husbands when it comes to fixing things, but I know lots of people who are very handy. I realized that my next action was to ask someone what to do to fix the toilet. That seemed easy. I called a guy I know and explained the situation. He told me that I needed the largest wax ring I could find that included hardware. I also needed caulking. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I completed the next action: ask someone what to do. At this point I could have decided to call a handy man to fix the problem, but my friend convinced me that I could do it with his help. I asked him what my next action was and he told me to go to Home Depot and buy the supplies. So I wrote that down on my list.

My wife was very excited when I told her what I had accomplished and she realized that I was making progress. A week later I was doing errands and saw the next action for the toilet and decided to stop by Home Depot. I confirmed the list of supplies with the saleswoman (sad, I had to ask a 20 year old girl) and she showed me what to get. Look at that! Another next action completed: buy supplies. To cut this story short, I eventually invited my friend over and we fixed the toilet. My wife was amazed that this project was finally completed. I realized that it was not really a big deal, but I never identified the next action so it was stuck on my list causing grief for me.

So, you have 3 options: 1) tell your wife to lose weight so she will stop crashing through the couch, 2) ignore it and continue to get sucked into the couch, 3) figure out what it will take to fix the couch. I have no idea how to fix the couch, but I am sure you know someone who can advise you. Your outcome might be to buy a new couch. Who knows? You won’t until you identify the next action and complete it. Feel free to visit the GTD web site for more info.

That’s it for our suggestions… Any other ideas?

(Do you need advice from The Donkey and The Wife?  Contact us and ask away)

Please hang up and try your call again

Dear Donkey: My wife hangs up on me in the middle of a discussion when things start heating up. This has been going on for some time. I told her that it bothers me but she continues to do it. What should I do? – Phone Troubles

He says: Give her a taste of her own medicine

At some point most men have dated or have married someone who is what I term a Phone Hag or P-Hag. This is the type of person who gets offended and hangs up when you are in mid-sentence. This actually just happened to me last week. Here are a few approaches that I have used with varying levels of success:

1. Call back and simply say, “Thanks for answering. Obviously you have graduated from 3^rd grade and progressed to 4^th grade. Nice work!”
2. Call back and say, “I’m so sorry. Your phone dropped me. Obviously you have a bad connection. You better fix that.”
3. Call back and utilize some of the skills you picked up at your Crucial Conversations class by saying, “It’s clear you have moved to silence by using the withdrawing technique. Excellent work! I really feel like you have mastered that skill. Now you have both the attacking and withdrawing skills under your belt.”
4. Don’t call back. Wait until she contacts you. It can be via an email, instant message, or phone call. Once she contacts you, begin to respond and then end your thought in mid-sentence and see how well that goes.

Those are my thoughts. Do any readers have other suggestions? What has worked for you? I think number 4 works best because women really respond well to

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Dr. Nip Tuck My Wife’s 80085

Dear Donkey and Wife: My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. She has had 2 kids and asked if I think she needs plastic surgery. I sort of avoided the question, but I know that she will be asking again and I want to be prepared. What should I say? Thanks guys. - Life in plastic, NOT fantastic!

He says: A little off the top wouldn’t hurt

As George Clooney continually said in O Brother, Where Art Thou?, “We’re in a tight spot!” The female readers out there would tell you to respond, “No, of course not. I love you just the way you are. You are beautiful and always will be.” But the fact that you are asking means that you don’t believe that. I generally don’t agree with having cosmetic surgery, but I can imagine situations where it is needed. That being said…

I say go with a watered down version of what you really think needs to happen. Let’s say you think she needs a face lift, tummy tuck, lipo, and…uh…some ‘enhancements’. You can’t go for the jugular and suggest all of these things. Your wife probably has an idea of what she wants, but it is likely less than what you think. Stick with things that she can’t control. For example, the skin on her stomach is probably stretched out and hanging like an accordion. (I’m giving your wife the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she lost the baby weight.) But she’s had 2 great kids. She can’t help this natural consequence of childbirth. Tell her, “You know, I love you, but I guess there are a few things you could do. Like that flesh on your stomach – let’s snip that off. I mean, you deserve it. I know you wouldn’t have gotten that big if you didn’t have children. Oh, and maybe the doctor could do a face lift while he’s add it. No big deal.”

If this question was nothing more than a test by your wife, then you probably just failed. You could then respond with, “Oh, I thought you were talking about your friend. Never mind.”

She Says (The Donkey responds for the wife since she is too busy): It’s all the husband’s fault

I think you did something wrong since your wife brought this up. You must be like my husband. For shame! Next time she asks, tell her she can go on a month-long vacation while you take time off of work to watch the kids. While at home, clean the house and get everything in order. You better not forget to clean the bathrooms! You should also shower her with compliments and hugs and kisses. Write a tribute poem about her that highlights all the great qualities she has. She needs to know that she is special. Buy flowers every Friday and bring some chocolates – you gotta have chocolates.

Pasta Pandemonium

Dear Donkey and Wife: My wife always makes a pasta dish for me because I once told her I liked it. I was actually lying about liking it, but she has been making it for over two years now. How can I let her know that I don’t like it without hurting her feelings? -Slave to a pasta pusher

He says: When in doubt, get out

Two ideas immediately come to mind. First, you could try sabotage. This could include adding ingredients like salt and baking soda or it could include placing hair in the food. Either way, you could claim that you were turned off of the meal and just can’t eat it anymore. If your wife insists on making it, sabotage again. Soon she will doubt her abilities and you can live in peace.

You could also fake an allergy. Begin eating the meal and then tell your wife that you feel itchy. Tell her that you need to go to the bathroom. Exit the room and find the closest carpet. Vigorously rub your face on the carpet for 10-15 seconds. You should also get your eyes red and watery, so drip some mouthwash into your eyes. Come back and tell her that you feel terrible. “I felt fine before dinner, I’m not sure what happened,” you say. This will seem very sudden to your wife, so mention that you noticed similar symptoms the other day when you had some pasta at work. You have now laid the groundwork for the future. Next time your wife suggests the meal, explain that you just had pasta at work and that you don’t want to risk another attack.

She Says: Can’t Stand The Food, Get Into the Kitchen

Well, hopefully you’ve learned your lesson about lying to your wife; there certainly is a delicate balance between being encouraging/complimentary and being untruthful to the point that you each suffer.

Why not just tell your wife that some of the regular dinner dishes are getting old, and suggest that you try out some new meals together.  The key to success here is to be involved with planning the menus.  Take some time to sit down together and look through cookbooks or online, find some new things to try, make your menus and shopping lists (again, together), and try it all out.  If your wife usually does the cooking, offer to make some of the new meals yourself or at the very least to work on them together.  Some of the best meals we have are the ones The Donkey and I make together on a regular basis–we each have our jobs and enjoy cooking side-by-side (as soon as we finish bickering about whose turn it is to cut the gross stuff off the chicken breasts).

In the future, be more involved in planning the weekly menu; unless your wife really likes that particular pasta dish, just be sure to have other meal ideas to take its place.

That’s it for our suggestions… Any other ideas for getting what you want on the table?

(Do you need advice from The Donkey and The Wife?  Contact us and ask away)

Dear Donkey and Wife:

My husband and I came home from a long trip and we had some milk in the fridge we weren’t sure about…we all know how men can be– i was the one to test whether it was spoiled or not. What i am wondering is, who should test to see if the milk is spoiled?

-Sour Sport

He Says

• The husband is often a major source of income. You don’t want to lose the breadwinner to some spoiled milk or a wacky garbage disposal that gnaws off his arm while he is looking for a miniature fork.
• Husbands have a knack for covering up tasteless/bad food with salt and sugar to make it go down. How many of us have been subjected to a bad dinner? You gotta force it down so your wife won’t get offended. There is no doubt that your husband will dump a little chocolate powder into the milk if it tastes sour. When you ask, “Is the milk sour,” he will respond, “Tastes great with some Nesquick.”
• Women are more nurturing by nature. It would make sense to play to your strength and sacrifice one for the team. Why waste the energy forcing your husband to be something he is not? His skill is probably sleeping, so let him have a few extra winks while you go down to the basement to find out what the noise is and why there is a broken window.
• Finally, I believe that there is a biological reason too. Women produce milk. They are more equipped to distinguish between milk that is good and milk that is sour. A man does not possess the glands or hormones to produce milk and might not have the chemical makeup to make the distinction.

She Says

Does anyone really need to taste the sour milk? I’m willing to take a sniff, but if The Donkey tried to get me to test it by drinking, I would just throw the milk out and get a new gallon. If he tried to make me stick my arm down the garbage disposal, I would just say the mini-fork was a loss, and go out and buy a new disposal and a new silverware set. Instead of chasing down strange noises in the night, I would just stop saying NO to the salesman that comes to my door every month and finally get an alarm system installed.

Do you see where I’m going with this? As long as I refuse the task, and find an alternative that involves spending more money, my “frugal” (cheapskate) husband will give in and save the money from being spent. Problem solved.

Any other advice for Sour Sport?

Final Four Straw

Dear Donkey and Wife: As all males on the planet know, March Madness has begun. This means an entire month of watching my husband atrophy on the couch. He may end up like that lady who was stuck to the toilet because her skin grew around it. Anyway, during this time of year my husband ignores everything else that is happening in life: school work is neglected, work is forgotten, household chores are ignored, and worst of all the wife becomes invisible. All of our conversations occur around the TV; his eyes never leave the game, and he becomes a master of repeating back the last line and adding, “See, I heard you.” But he’s not really listening. What can I do? Spring has sprung, and I feel like we are both chained to the TV. – Maddened by March

He Says: Your unconscious has already given you the answer

As I let your question meander through the empty space in my head, all sorts of answers for you emerged: gnaw through the cable, break the Tivo remote, see if you can get away with serving dog food, or maybe spike his soda with a laxative. But I reread your question and I believe that you have already stated the answer you need; you just didn’t recognize it. I didn’t either at first. Do you see it now? Ok, let me point out the critical phrase: “the wife becomes invisible.” Are you kidding me? What an idea. Just leave–for an entire month. Don’t even say anything. How many husbands wouldn’t love it if roles were reversed and there was some television show that would keep their wives occupied for an entire month? (Actually, I think there are some movies based on novels by a lady named Jane Austen. Ever heard of her?) As long as you don’t have kids, the only filth accumulating in your house during the next month will come from your husband. He can fend for himself, so you are better off going on a nice trip. You will be living the dream! You can truly become invisible and your spouse won’t even notice.

She Says

Wow. Amazingly, in this particular case of wife mistreatment I cannot claim to completely relate; I can’t say that The Donkey will be super-glued to the television for the remainder of this month, although I’m sure I’ll hear more than I want to about “crucial” bracket-contests whose “vital” results have no bearing on the actual world, and whose only prize is a trophy made out of a plunger. No, basketball isn’t the bane of my existence, but baseball is right up there. Have I mentioned that we are taking a trip to the East Coast next month, making stops in D.C., New York City, and Boston? Imagine all the sites we could see–the history, the culture, the plays… Then stop imagining that and instead imagine me “enjoying” a different baseball game from a different stadium on virtually every night of the trip. But never fear, we did manage to get back-row balcony tickets to one matinee showing on Broadway (of course we couldn’t dip into the baseball ticket budget to upgrade to the front of the balcony). As you can see, this year I am taking the approach of “if you can’t beat them join them” in the sporting world.

You don’t have to become completely immersed in sports to make this work. Normally to integrate myself into this world, I simply go about my business and attempt to strategically overhear parts of the sportscasting that will help me more effectively communicate with my husband. Here are a few examples of sports-minded phrases a wife can use to get through to her husband:

• Honey, while I’m out my friend Susan is going to drop by to pick up a book I borrowed. Keep your head in the game, and remember: when someone like Linda Cohn shows up at the front door, pass her this “playbook” and tell her “good game.”
• Would you rather have chicken or steak tonight, Dear? The steak does have the higher 5-ranking, but #12-Chicken may just pull out the upset tonight? What’s your pick?
• Listen, I’m really concerned about Johnnie’s eyesight; it seems to be affecting his schoolwork. We better hurry and get him to the doctor before he ends up like that guy on SportsCenter–what is the deal with that guy’s eyes anyway?!
• Sweetheart, we really need to hurry and get our taxes filed. Right now there are quite a few companies who still have time to take on our account–here’s a list of the Sweet 16. But if we don’t pick a firm in the next few days, we’ll be stuck with the Elite 8, or then the Final 4. And if it comes down to the Finals, the last Two won’t even consider working for us unless we can predict our Adjusted Gross Income within 2 points.

When all else fails, sing an ESPN theme song, or recreate the chime noise that indicates the sports-ticker is going to start scrolling at the bottom of the screen. That should grab his attention just long enough for you to announce that he’s going to bed alone tonight.

What are your secrets for making marriage survive the sports seasons?

Slaving Away

In the past, we’ve answered a couple questions from husbands wondering about their wives’ housework ethic. Now the ladies are up, and they want to know how to get their husbands to do some man-work around the house.

Dear Donkey and Wife: What’s the best way to get my husband to help around the house? I’m a clean freak so I usually just do everything myself, especially since I know how hard he works all day, but some things I just can’t do myself (like hang a shelf). When I ask he’s always obliging but weeks go by and it’s still not done. How do I remind him to do what he’s promised without nagging or making him feel too guilty (cuz he knows he’s getting off so easy when it comes to house work)? -Just Hanging Around

Dear Donkey and Wife: I really only have one issue with my husband and that is the condition of the backyard and garage. When we first got married I was perfectly happy to do all the housework while he took care of mowing the yard, maintaining the vehicles, doing home improvement projects and miscellaneous repairs, etc. But it’s been 6 years now and the house is immaculate and in perfect order, but the backyard and garage are still a shambles and only getting worse. My husband often starts new projects before finishing or cleaning up after previous projects outside, so it’s always looking like chaos. I hate to request projects because he gets off track and does a way more involved version of the project than necessary and creates such a mess doing a project. I can just imagine what would happen if, he asked me to cook dinner and I agreed but then proceeded to decide to refinish the kitchen cabinets instead, removing them and laying tools all around the kitchen and saying I would also cook dinner “soon” but proceed to make the cabinet project last for weeks while never getting around to dinner. I still never request that he helps me around the house, but maybe I should, not that I need it but perhaps that would make him appreciate his outside domain more. Any suggestions? -Beautiful On The Inside

He Says: Get the ball rolling or roll up your sleeves

I’m glad that you wives realize the burden to obtain help is really on you. Most husbands–excluding my married brothers–have jobs and don’t want to spend every night and all weekend completing projects assigned by their wives. But as usual, I have a few secret tips to share. Ladies, the key to success is that you must be the one to get things in motion. Let’s use the hanging the shelf example since I also have the same assignment pending currently. The reason I haven’t hung this shelf yet is because it requires physical labor and it involves the unknown. I don’t know what tools are required and don’t even know where said shelf is at the moment. How can I begin? What do I do? Do I need nails? What about a stud finder? Obviously my wife found one (haha), but we might need the kind you use on walls. Will I need sustenance to survive? I DON’T KNOW! These are just some of the many questions husbands ask themselves when they are confronted with such a nebulous project. So here is how my wife can get me to help hang this shelf.

1. Gather all the needed equipment. That includes the shelf, the hammer, the stud finder, and all the miniature nails, screws, and anchors I might need. All packaging should be thrown out and those crazy plastic containers that are impossible to breach without a blowtorch should be opened for me.
2. Schedule time for me on my calendar. I don’t have time to block my calendar for this, so she will need to set some time aside for me to make sure I show up.
3. Get some of the nails lined up and even pounded in. This takes away that first impact fear I might have.
4. Provide snacks. Nothing motivates a man more than a nice glass of soda or lemonade and some cookies, brownies, or a steak. And please, the brownies and cookies should be homemade. Don’t shortchange us.
5. Get everyone out of the house. I need to do this alone because I need concentration. I would say hanging this shelf could take anywhere from 10 minutes to 5 hours. She should err on the longer side. It would be best for her to take the kids on a good day trip. But she should also be available by phone in case I have a question about the project. If I finish the job early, I can relax in front of the tv and occasionally look at my masterpiece on the wall. Why not? I earned it.
6. Provide recovery time. I can’t be asked to complete another project like this for at least a month. Major initiatives like hanging a shelf can’t be taken lightly. It’s kinda like boxing. You don’t see the heavyweight champ fighting every week. He needs time to physically and mentally prepare for the next challenge.

I think this approach would really work, and I think it’s fair for both of you. I am sure that I would do a great job hanging this shelf if my wife would spend a little extra time getting the setup completed.

She Says: Teamwork gets the job done

While I’d like to say that my husband is behaving like a selfish pig, I’m afraid he might be on the right track today. In each of your cases, it would be helpful for you to pitch in and work together with your husband. I happen to be the type who can get a bit overwhelmed by some of my household responsibilities at times; the thing that helps me most is when The Donkey is willing to pitch in–even if it does mean I get a running commentary on how many pairs of my shoes he found lying around, as well as getting the third-degree on why I would ever need more than 2 pairs of shoes in the first place.

Schedule some “work around the house” time, where you can do some projects as a team. Sit down together and make a list of the top priorities in the house. Don’t leave the housework off the list! Eventually it might be ok to split your duties right down the middle, but for now you and your husband need to get a sense of what each kind of job entails. Once you have your list of jobs, tackle them together. When The Donkey and I work around the house, we constantly notice and remark on what a good team we are–who knew that scrubbing bathtubs and toilets could bring us together? Then when you work with your husband on some of the fix-it-up projects, you might get a better sense of why those projects are hard to start–hanging a shelf or fixing a broken chair isn’t necessarily as straight-forward as emptying and loading a dishwasher. Once you two are in the habit of sharing the load, you’ll feel unified, and most likely you will fall into a routine–a natural, fair way to divide your duties.

Maybe The Donkey is right, and all it will take is for you to make some yummy snacks to get your husband to start puttering around the house. On the other hand, maybe you’ll find that you like finding studs and working on projects while he takes the kids out for the day (the real back-breaking work).

Now it’s time to hear from you; how do you get work done around the house?

(Need advice? Contact us and ask away!)

Pregnancy Pain 

Dear Donkey and Wife
My wife is pregnant with our first child. It seems like she picks up new symptoms each day. I am concerned that the symptoms are just a result of what she thinks she should be feeling based on what her friends tell her and what she reads online. Could it be imaginary?
-Doubting Daddy

He Says

With the advent of the Internet came a lot of great things: catching up on your favorite sports team, finding directions to a restaurant, videos of pranks, and much more. But the Internet also provides a lot of undesirable information too. I believe that a lot of the symptoms your wife experiences are in fact in her head. I also believe that the book is the least of your problems. You have to look no further than your computer to find the culprit of your wife’s symptoms. No doubt she spends a lot of time online looking up pregnancy sites, blogs about women who are pregnant, and a host of other nonsense-laden information pages. Try this: disable your Internet at home. Tell your wife that you will call to have it fixed, but delay this as long as possible – preferably for a week. Keep track of all the new symptoms she comes up with. I guarantee your wife’s symptoms will decrease and you will be much happier.

She Says

Here is my advice for you (and for The Donkey):  Go to medical school.  Try to pay real close attention when they explain that during pregnancy a living being is growing inside a woman’s body.  Then see if you are still shocked that your wife is vomiting one day, has a stuffy nose the next day, and gets heartburn and leg cramps every night.

Here is my advice for your wife–or any other pregnant women out there: Some men get really excited to learn about the stages of pregnancy and what is going on with the little baby.  Other men have a hard time dealing with things they can’t see or fully understand.  I have experience dealing with the latter (shocking, right?).  In that case, the key is just don’t expect your husband to be sympathetic!  And certainly don’t expect that the more you tell him about your symptoms the more sympathetic he will be.  Instead, you need to find someone who does understand what you’re going through–like a woman who has been through it.  If you let someone else play that sympathetic role, then you and your husband can have other types of conversations about the pregnancy–like how exciting it is, what the baby’s name should be, and how you’re going to rotate diaper duty.

Do you have more advice for Doubting Dad?  Share it in the comments!

Have a question for The Donkey and The Wife?  Contact us and ask away. 

Dear Donkey and Wife
I received a shirt from my wife as a Christmas gift. Sadly, I hate it. It’s not an awful shirt, but it’s striped and the collar is odd. It just doesn’t fit in with what I normally wear at work. My question is this: Should I just grit my teeth and wear the thing? If I do, she may buy me more of the same. If I don’t, she may think I hate her, or worse, that I think she has bad taste… and after all, she did choose me.
-Scared Shirtless

He says: Swap or make a statement.

I see two options. First, you could try to return this shirt and get something similar, yet more appropriate. I’m assuming you haven’t worn it yet, so perhaps over time she will forget exactly what it looked like. After another month or two, you will spring out the new shirt you traded it in for and comment to her, “I really like this shirt you got me for Christmas.” Hopefully this plan will work and she will purchase a shirt similar to the one you picked out. I believe that over time you will continue to trade in your clothing until you have something you truly like, and she will be trained to purchase the correct shirts.

The second option is a bit more fun and sneaky. You should avoid wearing the shirt to work, dinner, and any other routine daily activity. But the next time you have a funeral, need to report for jury duty, get questioned by the police, or march in some kind of protest, bust out the shirt and wear it proudly. Hopefully your wife will question you and ask why you are wearing the shirt on what seems to be an inappropriate occasion. You can then respond, “Oh, I thought you bought it for this type of thing.” It might be a hard message for your wife to take, but at least you don’t have to come right out and tell her that she has no fashion sense.

She Says: What is your wife trying to tell you?

When I was a teenager, my mom would sometimes buy clothes for me while she was out shopping. One day after a particularly good sale, she had a heap of clothes waiting for me when I got home from school. I quickly sifted through the items, grabbed what I liked, and put the rest in a pile to be returned. A friend of my mom’s happened to be visiting that day, and she was quite shocked at our interchange: “That doesn’t hurt your feelings?” she asked my mom. “I could have never been so straightforward with my mother about not liking something that she picked out for me.” My mom and I explained that when she brought clothes home for me, she wasn’t saying: Here honey, I went to all the trouble of picking out a perfect outfit for you; I hope you love it. It was more like: Hey, I grabbed a bunch of stuff that was on sale; do you want any of it?

What do you think your wife was saying to you with her gift? Had you mentioned something about needing new work shirts? She may have just purchased the first shirt she found, simply trying to say: Hey look–I remembered that you needed a new shirt. Then again, she may have chosen a specific style, trying to tell you: Here–I really like this and think it will look great on you.

If I were to give The Donkey a few new white dress shirts, he would know I was just doing him the favor of going to the store and searching for his size–if he didn’t like the collar or sleeve style, it would be no big deal for him to ask to exchange it. However, if I bought him a pair of jeans, he would know I was telling him: You are no longer allowed to wear sweats when you take me out to dinner. And he would not have the option of returning that gift.

Try finding out what your wife is trying to say with her gift. Casually ask about where she got it and what she likes about it. Maybe it was just the first thing she found in your size, and she didn’t think you would even notice something like collar style. In that case, she’s probably not too invested in it, and you can talk about exchanging it. But if she tells you about how she went to a lot of trouble to find that specific style and thought it would look really good on you, I think you should try it out. Trust her a little bit–after all, you did choose her, right?