Some people see a picture of a family like this and have warm fuzzies. I may have had these thoughts before having kids, but here’s what this image represents to me at this point in my life:

• Packing lunches, extra clothes and all sorts of toys
• A long drive
• Muddy clothes
• Replacement clothing costs
• Near drownings
• Sibling sabotage in the ocean
• Muddy car ride home
• Buying some kind of treat on the way home
• Muddy house
• Over-tired, cranky kids

I thought about this the other day when I looked out my back window and saw a woman playing with kids in my neighbor’s backyard. They played for hours on the trampoline, on the playhouse and in the yard. The next day I looked out my window and saw her playing with the kids again. I was surprised to see that she spent another 2 hours outside playing.  On the third day I looked out and nearly fell over when I saw everyone playing outside for a third day in a row. I had my wife inspect the situation and asked her if this woman was the kids’ mother. She replied that it was not their mother.

“Oh, this makes much more sense,” I said. “It must be a babysitter while the parents are on vacation. No one plays with their kids that much.” My wife and I had a rare moment of agreement and had the kids watch a little more television while we went back to work.

Darn, I need to do better.

Have you ever noticed that people respond in very similar ways when stressed out? It’s a natural thing for everyone. It’s the same type of thing that occurs when I step on a Lego piece in the house – I yell out the same phrase every time. Do you notice this same thing in your spouse? I certainly do, but it’s only been recently that I’ve noticed that my wife loves using the number 8. And it normally occurs when she is stressed out about the number of things that she has on her to-do list. For example, I’ll say, “When are you going to help me find a doctor?” And she’ll say, “When I finish the other 8 things on my list.” Fair enough. Recently, however, I’ve noticed that she has now moved to new levels of the number 8.

A few months ago a conversation went something like this, “How come you still haven’t ordered a cover for my new phone?” She responded, “Because I have about 18,000 other things on my mind.” Wow, I thought. It’s gonna be a while. Then last week I said, “When are you going to help me put the lawn edger together?” She said, “When I finish the 8 million things that I have to do.” Wait a minute. I can’t hang around for that long.

Why the number 8? What is it about 8 that fascinates my wife? Here are a few interesting things that might be down deep in her subconscious which drive this love for the number 8.

• Perhaps it’s because 8 is a power of 2 and we are 2 people who should have power
• It could be a result of the religious importance of the number 8 (Hanukkah is 8 days, there are 8 Beatitudes, the Buddhist symbol Dharmacakra has 8 spokes representing the noble eightfold path)
• Or maybe it has something to do with it’s musical importance (8 notes between octaves, 8-track player
  
• Maybe she fears the fact that seven ate nine
• Possibly it’s because there were 8 maids-a-milking
• 8 is similar to the sign for infinity and might represent all of the work my wife thinks she needs to do
• Could it have anything to do with Crazy 8s?
• The words eight and ate are homophones. Perhaps this is important to her because she likes to eat and ate is a form of the word eat

Any other thoughts?

My wife and I recently moved into a new home.  She was excited to finally have a garage.  I assumed it was because she would no longer need to scrape snow off the van; little did I know that a simple garage door is an integral part of a wife warning system

It’s amazing to consider all of the alert systems and warnings that exist to protect us from danger. Submarines, for example have a complex warning sytem–6 levels of alarms that vary from most  to least severe. Oddly enough the lowest priority alert is something called the Power Plant Casualty alarm (aka Propulsion Plant Casualty alarm), and it signifies a problem in the engine room. The most severe alarm is the Collision alarm, and it warns of imminent collisions or flooding on the ship.

But did you know women have similar alert systems in place for when their husbands come home after a grueling day?! Most wives want to look busy and industrious when their husbands walk through the door. What woman wants to be spotted wallowing on the couch with the latest Suzanne Collins book and an over-sized bag of bon-bons? I have to admit that I will overlook a trashed house if my wife looks busy cleaning when I walk through the door. What I can’t answer is, “Has she been busy for hours or merely a few seconds?” The answer all depends on how responsive she is to an intricate alert system that women have been using for years. This system notifies them when to drop the book and candy bag and get into gear. These alerts have morphed over time, but I am proud to say that I have cracked the code and present husbands around the world with the information that has been helping wives elude detection for years. Below is the alert system from highest priority to lowest.

Nooner Notification – Don’t read too much into the title. This is usually the earliest warning signal and occurs during lunchtime. The wife takes a moment to text, chat or call her husband to find out what the plans are for the rest of the day. Experienced wives may have their husbands trained to initiate contact during lunch.

End of Day IM/Text - This is initiated by the wife usually about 30-60 minutes before the husband is scheduled to leave work. The wife sends a simple message to determine if the husband is likely to arrive at home according to schedule. According to my secondary research, 34% of women ignore the first alert and start here.

‘On My Way” Call - This is something the husband initiates right when he is leaving the office. Clever wives also have their husbands trained to do this.

Road Call – This is a call that the wife will typically make after the husband has left work. It’s a check-in to determine how many minutes away the husband is. Are there any spontaneous stops in the forecast? Can she make it through another commercial break or chapter of her steamy book?

Neighbor Notification – This is the step in the system that blew me away during my primary research. Currently this alert is in the form of a phone call or text from the first house on the block. You see, the woman of this first house is responsible to call all of the other wives on the street once she spots their husbands’ vehicles. It’s imperative for her to relay the message to the wives to let them know that their husbands are almost home. This seems like a daunting task for her, but my sources indicate that tributaries are paid to this woman in the form of free babysitting, free haircuts, and of course bon-bons and recycled love novels. Previous forms of notification included smoke signals, animal calls (most likely cat), and mirror signaling.

Garage Door – This is the last line of defense; the final alert. When a wife hears the garage door opening, she knows only seconds remain before the husband enters his castle. There is just enough time to slide the book under the cushion and dive across the kitchen to hide the bon-bons and pick up a sponge. If she ignores the alert, a collision between man and woman is set into motion; the results of which could be as disastrous as a submarine colliding with an immovable iceberg.

Note: Technology savvy wives have been known to tap into work calendars the night before to review the husbands’ following day, thus adding yet another step to the alert system.

What can husbands do? Is there no combating this web of protection? The simplest option is a quick check of the wife’s pulse. 150+ Beats Per Minute (BPM) indicates that a level 1 alert was raised. Anything under 65 BPM typically indicates a level 6. If you come home and your wife is working while maintaining a fairly regular heart beat, you can be assured that she is either playing it safe by heeding early warning signals or she is truly striving to maintain order in the home.

I decided to provide my own answer to my last question regarding bed size and level of intimacy. Is there a correlation? The simple answer is yes. However, from the comments on this site and from discussions with friends, it seems like there is a clear division in opinion: some believe the smaller bed produces higher levels of intimacy and others believe the larger bed produces higher levels.

I’ve illustrated the two scenarios below. (click to see larger version)

In the smaller bed we find the couple close together with really nowhere to run [Note the fear on the husband's face as he foresees the inevitable]. I recognize that intimacy in a small bed may not be that likely in the summer, especially if you don’t have air conditioning. Who isn’t irritable when some sweaty creature touches her stubbly legs to yours? Yuck! This is supported by the fact that most babies–in the U.S. at least– are born in the summer months. The small bed sees the most action when it’s cold, 9 months earlier.

In the second scenario we find the couple spread out as far as possible. To the woman’s surprise she can’t find her husband in the dark. It turns out that he’s hiding on the other side of the bed in the opposite corner [Again, note the fear on the husband's face, only this time it's because he thinks he might be found].

Based on my informal study I have determined that larger beds see less action, regardless of weather conditions. There are several possibilities for this including:

• scared husbands purposely buy large beds so they can hide
• people who can afford large beds don’t have time for intimacy
• large beds are typically creakier since they are damaged more easily through the moving process and thus used less often
• large beds are typically owned by larger people who may be less intimate than smaller people
• large beds are covered by even more pillows and decorations than smaller beds making it impossible to even get into the bed

These are just ideas; I have no supporting data.

So next time you visit your friends’ house or your parents’ house, check out the bedroom and take note of the bed size. I think you’ll find that on this point I’m right more often than not.

I’m not a prisoner and don’t want to be even though marriage may feel like that for some people. Other people of course, not me. And this situation doesn’t really fit the classic definition of a prisoner’s dilemma. And I’m certainly not a witness.

But I do feel like I am close to being held captive. And this is a dilemma. And I do feel like I am being led down a dark path.

While driving in the car yesterday my wife suddenly said, “You have an opportunity to score some points. You can say something nice.”

As feeling slowly left my legs and my stomach rolled like the ocean, I desperately tried to interpret this. Why didn’t she just tell me what happened so I could praise her? We both could have won. Instead, she gave me the opportunity to win big or lose big. The crazy thing is that if I lose she will be angry and also lose. I guess the payout is good for her if I can imagine up whatever she wants me to say – she would be really happy.

“Well, you did a great job organizing the office,” I said. “Was that it?” She replied with a no. ” I then pleaded, “Why don’t you give me a hint so I can try to be your mind.” She was a little annoyed and said to forget it. Just then we got interrupted.

I ask you now, what could she have meant? I need some ideas before she asks me again. I don’t think it had to do with looks because she just mentioned that she hasn’t had a haircut for a while and her clothes looked pretty standard. It must be something she accomplished.

I’ve received several messages from worried fans because we haven’t written for a while. Fear not. The Wife has been having explosive diarrhea and I’ve been cleaning the house. It’s all a big joke until someone eats a bunch of bonbons.

I think that will get me in a lot of trouble, but it has been a while since the pot has been stirred publicly. We have been busy buying a house and I have changed jobs, but I think the madness will be ending soon. Plus, I have a long list of posts based on these experiences. The Wife even said she might write again, but we’ve heard that before.

I was thinking the other day about how creepy the name Bert is. In fact, almost any name including the name Bert is creepy. Think about it. When was the last time you met a cool Bert? Look at the list below and tell me one name that isn’t likely to be found on some sort of perpetrator list. Perhaps it’s because a lot of these names sound like ‘pervert’. I’ve actually ranked these in order of creepiness and likelihood of showing up on some type of watch list. Feel free to add names or defend your own ‘Bert’.

-Herbert (my grandfather’s middle name and #1 creepy Bert variation)
-Hubert
-Albert
-Bertram
-Norbert
-Egbert
-Bert
-Engelbert
-Lambert
-Dilbert
-Bertrand
-Wilbert
-Gilbert

I would like to note two things. First, Robert is the only possible exception to this rule. Second, Bertha should not be forgotten. Although you might not find this name on a perpetrator list, you should definitely avoid this person at all costs if you are considering a romantic relationship.

What does this have to do with wife advice? Not much, but it’s certainly information people need to be aware of. I’m just thankful there is a forum like this to notify the public.

As usual, I just cleaned the house and made a delicious dinner for my wife (Tandoori chicken). I gave her the standard coupons for a free back rub, foot massage, etc. The kids and I made a Mother’s Day Family Feud game in PowerPoint. The first question was related to why we love mom. The second was related to what mom can work on in the next year so she can be a better mom. She didn’t seem to receive this too well and didn’t seem that excited about the day. I should add that all of the answers to both questions were provided by the kids.

I’m not sure, but I think I’m noticing a trend for most women. Is it just me or do most mom’s want a day off from being a mom on Mother’s Day?

Last week I challenged myself to sit down for every bathroom visit to better understand the female point of view. My wife has made outrageous claims over the years by stating that she never knows what is going to come out when she sits on the toilet. Read more here.

Results

1. There were certainly no surprises. I have found a few women who agree with my wife’s claims, but the majority of women I have spoken to tell me that my wife is unique. Perhaps they are lying to me, but it sounds like my wife is on her own with this one.
2. I couldn’t make it the entire 7 days. I made it for 3 days and then had to call it quits. I did learn that sitting down on the toilet every time is terrible. I had no room to put my stuff down, I had to waste an extra minute every trip, I was worried about drinking anything because I didn’t want to go to the bathroom, and of course I was worried about the germs.

Overall it was a great experiment, but one which I will not try again.

Ever walk into a room and been completely surprised? Sure. Ever walk into the bathroom and been completely surprised? Of course. Every time I see the hair straightener on the counter still turned on after ten hours of not being used. Ever go to use the toilet and been surprised at what your body is telling you to do? If you are a female, you are probably nodding in the affirmative. If you are a male, you are probably completely confused if this has never come up in your marriage.

Situation: I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. My wife decided to infiltrate the room and sat on the toilet. Suddenly she yelled, “Quick. Get out!”

Confused, I asked, “What’s happening?” I was thrown out only later to hear an explanation from my wife. “Sorry. I thought I just needed to pee, but then realized something else had to happen.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked. She then explained that whenever she sits down on the toilet she is surprised by what her body might require: maybe it’s to pee, maybe poo, and maybe just some gas. My mind was blown. I always know exactly what is going to happen when I enter the bathroom. In fact, my mind subconsciously develops a plan and I am in and out of there with great efficiency. I know some guys go into the bathroom with a magazine and a plan to stay for an hour, but the fact remains, they have a plan and they know what the future holds.

My wife said, “Things would be totally different if you had to sit down every time you had to pee. You would wouldn’t always know what would happen next.” We have argued about this for several years, but I am finally ready to resolve this debate.

Challenge: For one week I will sit down on the toilet every time I need to go to the bathroom, no matter what my initial plan is. I will then document the experience and provide a report to you. Men, feel free to join me in this challenge. The more data points the better. Please document your experiences in the comment section. Let’s not get too graphic though. I have a high suspicion that this oddity is either unique to my wife or to women in general.

Related Posts:

• Marriage Advice: Sharing a bathroom with a spouse can get messy
• Bathroom Rules… Is it ok for a husband and wife to be in the bathroom together while one is using the toilet?
• For A Good Time, Call A Donkey?

Ever open a present and wonder what possessed the person who bought it to actually wrap and deliver it? I’m sure many of us husbands have been guilty of this in the past.

Does the following sound familiar? It’s last minute and you decide to grab something off the shelf just so you can say you had a present under the tree. “At least she can open something on Christmas. She can always return it.” This approach has worked with moderate success in the past, but wives are catching on. They don’t want just anything. They want thought. They want planning. And now, they want us to make the return for the poorly chosen gift. What will we do? Luckily the other day I had a flash of inspiration that will help you next year. It’s based on an experience I had last week.

My friend told me he bought his wife a jewelry box for Christmas. He had noticed that his wife’s box was falling apart. I guess this guy was going for husband of the year award or something. Anyway, he went to some fancy place and got conned by the saleswoman to purchase a jewelry box for $40. When he showed me the box I almost died. It was clear with bright, colorful circles all over it. It looked like something a little girl would keep her My Little Pony toys in. He decided to show the box to a girl at work for a second opinion. She also laughed and said it looked like it belonged to a third grader. He was panicked because it was two days before Christmas and he did not have time to return the item.

I asked how this could have happened. He mentioned that he and his son were in the shop and saw this one and picked it out. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Your son was with you?” He said yes.

“Problem solved,” I exclaimed. “Just tell her that your son picked it out. Tell her that you had seen another one that was better for a mature woman, but you couldn’t deny your son the opportunity to participate in his own mother’s Christmas present. Do you think she can actually complain knowing that you thoughtfully planned to include your children? Of course you need to make sure your son is present when she opens it. You won’t be bringing any gifts back this year – that box is a keeper!”

He asked, “Do you think she will buy it?”

“Of course she will. How could she not?”

He asked several women at work if they would fall for the story and they all said they would. The men he asked applauded the idea and pronounced it as a true Christmas miracle. I got a text on Christmas morning from him that simply said, “Your idea worked.”

Another satisfied customer. Feel free to use this for anniversaries, holidays, and of course birthdays. I’m not sure how far one could take this, but I think next year I will try this approach and get my wife some soda for my office. “Sorry, the kids really thought you would want the soda so you would have something for me.”