Have you ever heard this quote? Failing to plan is planning to fail. I think it’s been around forever but it’s a cute little phrase that people use in time management and project management courses. There is some merit to it, but I don’t think it has a place in marriage. Let me share a very recent conversation that has been quite typical in my marriage over the past 12 years.

Background: My grandparents are getting pretty old and I figure they will be dead soon. I want to capture as many stories from them that I can before it’s too late, so I am trying to plan a trip to see them. I mentioned this idea to my wife a few days ago and she seemed supportive. Then I approached her with some information.

Donkey: Do you have a minute to talk about this trip I have been thinking about to see my grandparents? I have a few ideas I want to run by you.
Wife: I don’t understand what your problem is. Why bother asking me? I heard you talking to your brother and making plans, so go do what you want.
Donkey: Well, no plans have been made. I looked into some options and want to discuss with you. That’s why I am here. I have some information and ideas now.
Wife: You should have talked to me first about it.
Donkey: Talked about what? There would be no plans to discuss. I needed to gather information before we could talk.
Wife: No, you could have talked to me about it first.
Donkey: I am confused. Here, let me play out the conversation according to what you are proposing, but I will switch the roles. Tell me what you think.

(Donkey now plays both roles, adding a high pitched voice when speaking as the Wife)
Wife: I want to see my grandparents before they are dead. What do you think?
Donkey: I don’t know. When are you thinking?
Wife: I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to talk to you first.
Donkey: Would we drive or fly? What are the costs?
Wife: I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to talk to you first.
Donkey: Do any of your siblings want to come? Are we going to visit your grandfather first and then driving down to see your grandmother?
Wife: I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to talk to you first.
Donkey: It seems like you should do some research, make a plan, and then propose something to me. How can I make a decision with no information?
Wife: Stop asking me all these questions. It’s so confusing and complex. I just thought I could walk in and and we could figure it out. Why can’t we just decide together? Love should be able to figure this out, not the Internet or common sense. You must not love me.

(Donkey is now out of character)
Donkey: I think the point has been made. Case closed. The jury can be excused.
Wife (shuts the door): Just go do what you want.

I tip my hat to husbands everywhere and encourage you to keep planning despite how illogical it may sound to our wives. Long live logic!

Scene: The Wife returned from a shopping trip to obtain new running shoes.

Donkey: Did you find new shoes?

Wife: Yeah, I got a pair on sale actually!

Donkey: Oh good.  How long will this pair last you?

Wife: The people at the store said you can usually run on them for about 400 miles.

Donkey: Wait.  But do they have to prorate that based on your weight?

Wife: I have no idea.

Donkey: It seems like they should. Do you think you’d still be able to get 400 miles out of yours?

Wife: (walks out of room)

Scenario
My wife approached me the day after the mega-shopping spree. I was working on my laptop in our bedroom. The 6 bags of recently purchased clothes were still on the floor near my bed.

Wife: Hey, how about I do a fashion show for you so you can see all my clothes?
Donkey: Fine. But I can’t really pay attention because I have a lot to do. Just get dressed and show me the clothes and I will just give a thumbs up or down. I don’t have time to analyze anything.
Wife: OK.
Two minutes later the Donkey hears grunting. He looks up to see his wife jumping up and down trying to get a new pair of jeans to button.
Donkey (sarcastically): This is a great fashion show.
Wife (frustrated and frantic): Wait. I can get these on. Oh, hold on. These are my goal pants. I forgot that these wouldn’t fit. I knew I couldn’t button them.
Donkey (skeptically): Oh yes. Just like yesterday’s bag. It’s just a fluke that the first article of clothing you tried on doesn’t fit. Seems like you made some great purchases.
Wife: I did, but I’m not going to show you now.
Donkey: My loss. Clearly.

She ended up stuffing herself into the pants and managed to get them buttoned but conceded that she has a few more pounds to lose before they fit properly.

I’m sure some of you can share some of your funny shopping spree stories.

Hoodwinked: To be taken in by deceptive means; deceived.

Wardrobe: A collection of clothing belonging to one person.

Can I have those words in a sentence? Sure. Let’s break it down though:

I waged war against my wife’s drobe after her new sweatshirt with a hood winked at me as I stared at the sheer volume of freshly purchased clothing on the floor.

Background
Last week my wife asked me to watch our kids for 3 days so she could have some girl time with her sisters and mom who were in town. I agreed and anxiously awaited the return of my dear wife.

Scenario – Detective Donkey surveys the following scene and uses experienced husband intuition and logic to crack the case.

Saturday, 4:15 p.m. My wife enters the home struggling to carry her duffel bag and 6 enormous shopping bags with new clothes. She mentioned that she was going to purchase a few things, despite the agreement we had which clearly stated that new clothes would be purchased once she reached her goal weight, but I was not prepared for her definition of a few things. The following conversation is true and accurate to the best of my memory.

Donkey: What’s all this?
Wife: I knew you would say that. Don’t worry. I can justify every purchase in those bags, from the sandals and shoes to the pants and shirts. I didn’t buy anything I didn’t need.
Donkey (Reaches into a shopping bag, randomly pulls out an item, notes price tag): $25 for a rainbow colored beach bag?!?!
Wife: Wait, hold on… before you start talking about prices… A lot of the things I bought were not actually the price that you see.  I got a bunch of things on sale, and some of the discounts you won’t be able to see on the tags.
Donkey: So how much was this bag?
Wife (Nervously laughs): Uh, well it was $25 actually.
Donkey: And the justification?
Wife (Nervously laughs again): Well it’s kind of hard to explain.  But I really do need it. But everything else is stuff I needed even more.  And the prices really are lower than what you’ll see.
Donkey (Walks off victoriously): I think my work here is done.

Suburbia is safe again. Detective Donkey has solved the unsolvable. It will be a long time before this Sultan of Spending strikes again.

UPDATE: My wife and I have since had another conversation on this topic which is equally amusing.

The Wife: Are you going to bring the kids when you come see me in my triathlon this weekend?

Donkey: Oh.  Am I supposed to go to that?

The Wife: Um.  Well, I thought you and the kids could come cheer.  Maybe you could bring signs to hold up or something.

Donkey: Okay.  If you make the signs they can hold them up.

The Wife: Thank you for your support.

Scene: The Wife is at home with the kids.  Boy Wonder (7) is watching Cyberchase – the live action sketch at the end.  The sketch includes a very large pig.

The Wife: Whoa, look at the size of that pig!  It’s almost as big as the girl!  Have you ever seen such a big pig?!

Boy Wonder: It’s probably a mother

The Wife: Why do you say that? (Assuming he thinks the pig is preggers)

Boy Wonder: Moms are always bigger than dads, right?

The Wife: (Calgon… take me away!)

[Update: The Donkey didn't understand my pop culture reference to Calgon.  What about you?]

Scene: The Donkey and Wife are conducting a family meeting with the kids when the television suddenly turns on.

Donkey: Ok. Who has the remote? (annoyed at the 10th interruption)

Wife: I don’t think anyone has it. I think Tivo just came off of pause.

Donkey: I think someone is sitting on it. Everyone check under the cushions.

Donkey: (to the wife) You need to check too. You are always sitting on the remote.

Wife: Obviously I am not sitting on the remote; I’m sitting on the floor.

Donkey: Well, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check every crevasse. Who knows where it could be?

Wife: I refuse to check based on that comment.

Note: the remotes were later found behind the couch. The Tivo probably did come off of pause during the meeting.

Scene: The Wife has just pumped milk into some bottles. The Donkey notices the bottles as he is cleaning the pump.

Donkey: Why is your milk green?

Wife: Breast milk always has a bluish tint.

Donkey: What? I never heard of that. Anyway, this is green. Were you sneaking some green-frosted sugar cookies?

Wife: Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t tell what I have eaten by the color of the milk. Besides, I don’t need to sneak cookies. I can eat them whenever I want.

Donkey: When I donate plasma it is different colors depending on what medicine I have taken and what I have eaten. I am going to check the cookie plate.

Wife: Whatever.

Scene: The Donkey and The Wife are riding in the car, discussing the looks of someone they saw earlier that day.

Wife: It’s interesting how some people with heavier faces are so beautiful.  Any extra weight in my face just looks terrible. I just can’t pull that off, can I?

Donkey: Um…this sounds like one of your trick questions. I have no idea what I should say.

Wife: Oh.  I only meant it as an observation; I didn’t even mean to make it a question.

Donkey: You have to admit, you do sometimes ask trick questions, and the one you just asked me was impossible to answer without getting in trouble.

Wife: (sighs) Well, first of all it wasn’t a trick question; I was just making an observation. Secondly, even if it had been one of those “trick questions” you refer to, or if I were fishing for a compliment–which again, was not the case here–it really shouldn’t be that hard for you to just say something nice.

Donkey: OK, so in this specific situation, what could I have said?

Wife: Alright… If you felt that you agreed with me that I’m not necessarily someone whose face looks nice with extra weight, you could have simply mentioned something else about my face that looks nice regardless.

Donkey: What, like your nose?

Wife: My nose?  I’ve never thought of my nose being an attractive feature…

Donkey: No–I”m just saying that if you gained weight in your face, your nose would probably stay the same size.

Wife: I give up.

Donkey: What?!

Wife:  “You have nice eyes.”  “You have cute lips.”  “I love the way your face lights up when you smile.”  –Any of these responses would have worked.

Donkey: Like I said–trick question

Wife: So, have I reached the point in this pregnancy where I start looking cute?

Donkey: No.

Wife: I suppose I should have known better than to ask that.