Bert: The Definition Of Creepy
What’s in a name?
I’ve received several messages from worried fans because we haven’t written for a while. Fear not. The Wife has been having explosive diarrhea and I’ve been cleaning the house. It’s all a big joke until someone eats a bunch of bonbons.
I think that will get me in a lot of trouble, but it has been a while since the pot has been stirred publicly. We have been busy buying a house and I have changed jobs, but I think the madness will be ending soon. Plus, I have a long list of posts based on these experiences. The Wife even said she might write again, but we’ve heard that before.
I was thinking the other day about how creepy the name Bert is. In fact, almost any name including the name Bert is creepy. Think about it. When was the last time you met a cool Bert? Look at the list below and tell me one name that isn’t likely to be found on some sort of perpetrator list. Perhaps it’s because a lot of these names sound like ‘pervert’. I’ve actually ranked these in order of creepiness and likelihood of showing up on some type of watch list. Feel free to add names or defend your own ‘Bert’.
-Herbert (my grandfather’s middle name and #1 creepy Bert variation)
-Hubert
-Albert
-Bertram
-Norbert
-Egbert
-Bert
-Engelbert
-Lambert
-Dilbert
-Bertrand
-Wilbert
-Gilbert
I would like to note two things. First, Robert is the only possible exception to this rule. Second, Bertha should not be forgotten. Although you might not find this name on a perpetrator list, you should definitely avoid this person at all costs if you are considering a romantic relationship.
What does this have to do with wife advice? Not much, but it’s certainly information people need to be aware of. I’m just thankful there is a forum like this to notify the public.
13 Responses to “Bert: The Definition Of Creepy”
I concur with the exception of Gilbert. Thanks to Anne Of Green Gables, Gilbert will never be anything but incredibly romantic to me.
By Nancy Sabina on Jul 20, 2010
Wow, have you ever missed the mark!!! what about the lovable sesame street character that lives and bathes with another dude, sings songs with him, and has an awesome unabrow? is that creepy? i think not. advice on women is clearly your specialty stick to it.
By phillyz on Jul 21, 2010
Ha ha ha! Oh, we miss you here, Chris.
By Brittany on Jul 21, 2010
Bert from Mary Poppins was awesome!
By Abba-Dad on Jul 21, 2010
That’s a good point. However, I noticed that most of those names are of German origin. In German, Bert is pronounced “Bear-t,” which is far less creepy. I think the names have been lost in translation. I think Sherman is a creepier name.
By Vatermann on Jul 22, 2010
PS @ Abba-Dad: Mary pronounced Bert with her posh English accent which automatically made it sound cooler, and the song pointed out that Bert “would never think of pressing (his) advantage.”
By Vatermann on Jul 22, 2010
Lester I have always found that one creepy, SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK… i gave you a shout out at my blog, come check us out when you get a chance…
By Queen of the Rant on Jul 23, 2010
Bert Blyleven was a great pitcher for the Twins and seemd like a good guy. Nevermind, I just learned on wikipedia that his real name was Rik Aalbert Blijleven. Dutch dudes are super creepy.
By Andy on Jul 28, 2010
I immediately also thought of Bert from Mary Poppins, he was appealing and fun. Re: Bertha,I used to work in a hospital and the large cart filled with patient’s meals was called Bertha, why I don’t know, and maybe it was just our hospital, also thought the Spanish form of Bertha, “bear-tah” sounds much better.
By Pat on Aug 28, 2010
Hmm, my sister calls me Berttany. Does that make me creepy?
By Brittany on Oct 13, 2010
You are wrong donkey. Herbert is your grandfather’s first name. His middle name is Russell.
By sjb on Oct 14, 2010
what do you think about refering to your mom as syd v?
By sjb on Oct 14, 2010
Nine months ago I would have disagreed with you vehemently. But, in August last year one of our good friends, Alberto, was arrested on 30 counts of child porn. WOW, what a shock! I still can’t believe it.
By Marixi on Apr 28, 2011