He Said She Said: Should the Husband or Wife Choose the Baby’s Name?
Name Game
It’s been a while since we held a debate here, but that doesn’t mean we’ve stopped disagreeing with each other. Today’s debate is fresh and still unresolved: Who should get to name our next child?
He Said
My wife is pregnant and this Friday we find out if it is a boy or girl. She insists that she is choosing the name no matter what. We have 3 boys already, and my wife claims that I have chosen the names for all 3. But this isn’t true. I have simply suggested 3 great names so far – all of which she has agreed to and liked. I never forced my wife to stick with the names. She could have thought of better names and I would have gone with them. I have been trying to reason with her over the last few weeks, but she is simply refusing to budge.
I recently told her that if she refuses to negotiate a name, then I will refuse to call the child by the name she chooses. Last week I was thinking about how crazy this is, and I offered a compromise: If we have a girl, I will let my wife choose the first name, but I would like to choose the middle name. If it is a boy, then I will choose the first name and she can choose the middle name. Is this not reasonable? I am not sure how this isn’t fair for both of us.
I should mention that she will point out that two of our kids’ names are the same as my brothers’ and one the other is the same as a good friend of mine, but that doesn’t really mean much. We have chosen very common names (Tommy, Michael, and David), so there are bound to be people with the same names. Plus I am pretty sure that she suggested ‘David’ at one point anyway.
I now plead to you, oh wise decision makers. Let the past be the past because we aren’t historians and can’t accurately relate who said what regarding our children’s names. Let’s move forward and do things fairly.
She Said
The past is the past, and fortunately I can accurately remember it all. The deal The Donkey is offering is the same deal he offered when we had our first baby. Before the ultrasound he got me to agree that he would pick the name for a boy, but I could pick one for a girl. And that is exactly what we did. For the next two children, we didn’t have that official deal, but he has always had the naming privilege, simply due to the fact that he would veto each and every name that I suggested. For each child, I have researched and made lists of names. I would work on the list until I came up with 10-15 names that I was willing to consider. The Donkey, on the other hand has written down two names and said, “these are the only choices I will agree to.” And, like he said, so far all three names have been based on one of his brothers or best friends.
Also, the fact that I have agreed to and been happy about the names is just an example of my willingness to make things work. Contrary to The Donkey’s statement, NONE of the names were suggested by me, and some of them were names I had negative associations with–but I was willing to let the negative feelings go in order to love my kids’ names.
As always, this is a very simple case. It’s my turn. I should get to choose this child’s name, regardless of whether it’s a girl or a boy. I am at least willing to give The Donkey very limited veto power. I will make a list of names, then narrow it down to 2-3 that I like. He can tell me if he is vehemently opposed to one of those names, but other than that, the choice should be mine.
What do you think? Cast your vote below to help us decide…
Update: This poll has been closed. See results here.
27 Responses to “He Said She Said: Should the Husband or Wife Choose the Baby’s Name?”
I am not giving out names. I am only placing vetos on names my wife gives.
This way, she’s the one actually selecting, but I am happy about the result.
Donkey – just stand on your hind legs – don’t offer names at all. Eventually, your wife will need to come up with more names, which will be suitable enough.
(I voted against you, but I think limited can be a wide enough requirement if you play it right)
By Tsahi Levent-Levi on Jun 17, 2008
The wife. Definitely.
By Cass on Jun 17, 2008
this was kind of hard for me… i did like the donkey’s idea that at least each of you can pick a name, either the first or middle. i just want the wife to pick so hopefully there won’t be any more confusion among uncles (or aunts) and your kids!
By chelsea on Jun 17, 2008
The Donkey provides an excellent propsal and sounds like he is a great name chooser. I agree with him. Do what is fair
By Doc on Jun 17, 2008
I vote for the Wife choosing…or how ’bout she chooses three names and we, your loyal readers, get to vote?
By Linda~ on Jun 17, 2008
You are the uncomfortable pregnant one who has to push a bowling ball out of a straw for the 4th(!) time. You get to pick the name.
(We are having the same dilemma about naming our girl – can you tell I’m bitter much?)
By heather on Jun 17, 2008
I think Donkey has offered a great alternative.
By J on Jun 17, 2008
I can’t believe I am losing at this point. I did not get to “pick” the last 3 names. I only suggested a few and they were accepted.
In an attempt to sway the votes, I am prepared to support Linda’s idea. If I win, I will suggest 3-5 names and let you, the readers choose the name. There is plenty of time to change your vote or to make an initial intelligent vote for me.
By The Donkey on Jun 17, 2008
It seems like The Wife is offering the same solution The Donkey gave her originally: 2-3 names with veto power. I think the real dilemma comes in when you can’t agree on a name at all. My husband and I spent my entire pregnancy narrowing our list of hundreds of names down to 3. I think if you try hard enough and are both willing to compromise a little, you should be able to come up with a name you both like. If not, I like The Donkey’s actual proposal (which wasn’t in the poll) of each picking a first name and a middle name, though I’d let The Wife pick which combo she wants (first for boy and middle for girl, or vice versa), since The Donkey proposed the plan.
By Sandy on Jun 17, 2008
I think both are silly…it’s not like you are deciding which restaurant to eat at for the night. This is the name of your kid. The fact that you’ve had three before and still are having this debate baffles me! What happened to working together on something and not against each other? Maybe you guys just thrive off the battle aspect, I don’t know. I think a name is something you should come up with together and make sure it’s one you both like. My husband and I say names we like and if the other one doesn’t like it, we veto it until we come up with a name we both like. I think if you don’t do it that way, one ends up resentful and who wants to start a life out with that kind of negativity around it.
By Shannon on Jun 17, 2008
since you are from the family you are from donkey – i think it is very unfair to play the boy/girl game. you know every child you and your brothers give life to will be males, so that is a lose-lose for your wife to take your deal. i would NEVER take that deal with your brother, donkey, for the same reason your wife should not take it with you.
it should ALWAYS be the wife’s final choice and i think the name should not be completely revealed until the kid’s b-day to remove any chance of naysayers. she pushes the kid out – how could you possibly argue with her over a name after that?
By celine on Jun 17, 2008
I am not getting why it should always be the wife’s final choice? Did they not create the kid together?
I think unless the Dad is going to be out of the picture, it should always be a joint decision. To not give him a voice in it devalues his role.
By Shannon on Jun 17, 2008
I don’t think I can vote on this, but I think you are both hilarious!
By Leslie on Jun 17, 2008
I am always confused when women claim to have sole rights and privileges over the children because they are the ones who gave birth to the child. If that’s the case, I guess Donkey does babysit the kids because they are the Wife’s children. She gave birth to them, so she should take care of them. She needs to pay the Donkey to watch them.
Why does the wife have negative feelings about her children’s names if they are named after friends and family members? The Donkeys’s solution seems fair.
By Fred on Jun 17, 2008
It’s really a moot point, isn’t it? After all, it’s the MOM who gets to fill out the paperwork for the birth certificate. If Donkey names baby, it’s only because Wife generously chooses to write his choice on the form instead of her own.
By Ginkgo100 on Jun 17, 2008
Oh, I just read Linda’s comment — yes, let us name the baby! After all, I picked a winner of a screen name for myself! It even has numbers in it!
By Ginkgo100 on Jun 17, 2008
The women does not fill out the paper work for the baby’s name. I don’t know why people think they do. The argument that the women has the right to choose the name becuase she gave birth is foolish. For one most women get drugged up before they have the kid and another thing is it is temporary and a name is forever.
By Recondo on Jun 17, 2008
What about Bob?
By karlmalone on Jun 18, 2008
Mr. Donkey: I’m not sure if this would work in your situation, but an idea comes to mind when thinking of my sweet wife. Surrender completely, tell her she’s right, she should pick the name. But then offer no assistance, no opinions, no suggestions. Mrs. Dent is terrible at making decisions – not that she makes bad decisions, but the act of deciding is grueling for her and she frequently can’t do it.
So she might surrender and humbly accept your wise plan. But I guess there’s the risk she’ll call your bluff and name your child something lame, trendy and embarassing. But hey, it’s not my baby!
By Arthur Dent on Jun 18, 2008
I agree with Arthur… let her sink or swim on her own. You still have several months. Let her pick whatever she wants. It may turn out fine, and if not, just keep your mouth shut then write in whatever name you want when you’re filling out the paperwork at the hospital.
By Doug on Jun 18, 2008
I’m with Shannon on this one. Why can’t it be a mutual effort? Why can’t you both come up with your “list of names” and narrow it down to one you both agree on. And it doesn’t really matter who fills out the paperwork at the hospital, I know someone who changed their childs name 4 times in the first year. 4 TIMES!! They didn’t have to pay to change the name either. They were told they could change it as many times as they wanted in the first year for no charge.
By Shanna on Jun 18, 2008
Here’s another thought . . . who says the name more in a day? They should have superior veto power? And while I think the mutual and joint effort of child naming would be the best situation, it just doesn’t work for some personalities and some couples, so then fairness/equality should come into play.
Good Luck! I dread the day we have a boy . . . it will be the epic battle of names because my husband is so dead set on a name I hate. I sometimes feel that we’ve been given 2 girls first so that by the time 3rd or 4th child comes and it’s a boy I will love my husband enough to go along with his name.
By Ashleigh on Jun 18, 2008
Firstly, this vote is statistically skewed. The vote seems to be based on the sex of the voter, and there are far more women who are reading this than there are men.
Secondly, here is the obvious solution:
1. Don’t find out what you are having.
2. Go with The Donkey’s suggestion. One of you choses a first name and the other choses a middle name. That way you each will have a name you can call the child. (It works with our son, Geronimo.)
3. Don’t let each other know what names are on your lists. Everybody likes the joy of a good surprise. Not only will you be filled with the joy that comes with the surprise of what sex the child is, but you will infinitely add to that with the surprise of the names that you each have picked out. Plus it will avoid the long, drawn-out animosity you will have toward one another due to names you don’t like for the duration of the pregnancy. If you postpone those feelings until the big day, the euphoria of childbirth won’t allow there to be any ill will.
4. You should allow for your internet readers to suggest and vote on possible names for you to consider. I suggest the following:
Kent (As a tribute to all the dyslexic comic book fans in the world.)
Lewis or Luisa (To honor important characters from our nation’s rich history.)
Dylan, Brandon, Steve, Brenda, Andrea, Kelly, Donna, Emily Valentine, Joey, Pacey, Dawson, Chachi, The Fonz, Michael Knight, Airwolf, Shaggy, Dafne, Mushmouth, Weird Harold, Murdock, Mr. T, Face, Hannibal, or Punky. (So that great shows of T.V.’s past will not be forgotten).
By Mr. Mustachio on Jun 18, 2008
The funny thing about this debate are those who claim that the Wife has more of a say because she gives birth, says the baby’s name more, and is around more. It sounds like these comments are in favor of the Wife being a dictator in the house because the home is her “domain” and the children and Donkey are her subjects. Will these same people agree that Donkey gets absolute power when dealing with money and finances becuase he is the one with a career? The Wife delivers the baby so it is HERS and the Donkey delivers the money so it is HIS. Is this what some of you are suggesting?
By Bob on Jun 18, 2008
it seems like he’s only shooting boys so it’s only fair if the rules change!!!
By bella on Jun 19, 2008
We had a different agreement on the baby names, we pick them together. It was a hard work but we did it.
By baby boy on Jun 25, 2008