Should a wife take her husband’s last name when they get married?
28 Responses to “Should Wives Take Their Husbands Last Name in Marriage?”
Only if she wants to.
In my marriage prep Sunday school class, some guy said that a woman taking her husband’s name at marriage is akin to us taking Christ’s name at baptism. I didn’t know if I should hit the guy, walk out or burst into laughter. I think a wife keeping her own name is fine; the only question is with the children. In our case, Bevington-Seawright or Seawright-Bevington is just too long.
I imagine we’ll go with Seawright since my wife already changed her name. Who knows. We’ll see.
Depends on the culture. In my culture, they do. It isn’t seen as demeaning, more of welcome to the family. However, there are exceptions for people who’s name is famous. In which case they keep their famous name for public reasons, but then for legal reasons they usually still switch.
Can’t really say.
If a husband wants his future wife to take his last name, he should do what I already have - make sure he has a loooooong last name.
Here in Israel, wives sometimes decide to reserve their last name and link it with their husband’s. With a long enough family name (like mine), she is left with no choice at all
I am a Chinese. I think most Chinese women keep their own names. Why change your name that you have been using since you were born? Does it mean you love or respect you husband more? I hope not. To me, it kinda means that a woman is willing to sacrifice her own “identity” to marry a man. You know, I took my husband’s Polish last name and never feel comfortable about it. I am obviously not Polish. I have been thinking about changing it back to “my own” last name for the past 20 years. My two teenage girls didn’t like it whenever I brought up this issue. This just makes me regret even more because I don’t want my daughters to change their names for marriage. Well, it will be their choice though.
QMA makes a great remark. Men who cling to this tradition must do so out of ego or lack of self esteem. I didn’t change my name and my husband was totally cool about it. Of course, he DOES want our kids to have his name, so here we go with THAT issue. Hmmm.
Here’s the thing: ask the man how he’d feel about changing HIS name. Why should it be different for women? Remember that the REASON women changed their name was because they were either essentially OWNED by their father or OWNED by their husband. This is not the case anymore, as far as I can tell.
This is a European tradition generally by the way… in Latino cultures, I believe the both names are kept with the mother’s name last.
Totally up to her. She should, of course, take her new husband’s wishes into account, since she’s going to have to live with him for a long time, but it’s her decision. I was very attached to my maiden name and almost kept it, but I decided to take hubby’s name after all because I didn’t want people to think we were just shacking up. I still use my maiden name as my middle name, though. It’s even on my social security card and driver’s license that way.
It is very interesting to see the cultural aspect of this name taking tradition. If I had it to do over, I would have kept my maiden name as my middle name or hyphenated. I have no issue with taking my husband’s name and with children it will be easier, but I do wish I would have kept my maiden name in some form.
I think this point should be discussed before wedding plans are made. I am a traditionalist and think that the wife should take the last name of the husband. However, I like the trend lately of famous women taking the husbands name but also using their maiden name e.g. Hillary Rodham Clinton (by no means an endorsement), Pamela Anderson Lee (before the divorce) etc. I think hyphenating can be cumbersome, especially when the couple isn’t even married like the Pitt-Jolie’s (Jolie isn’t her real name anyway). I knew someone with the last name Flamming-Buschman (pronounced Flemming). That’s ridiculous.
I was reluctant to change my name and didn’t feel that it should be a requirement or a “welcome to the family” kind of thing - I always believed that my husband and I would create our own family.
But…everyone in both families disagreed and refused to address me with my maiden name so I caved and took my maiden as my middle.
Can I also say that this tradition sucks because what a huge pain in the ass it is having to run around town to take care of all the paperwork. And to add insult to injury, it wasn’t good enough for the bank that I changed my name - they required a marriage certificate! And I was the sole account owner!
It’s interesting how many people get touchy with this subject…
I agree 100% with Ginkgo100, but I didn’t take my husband’s name for fear of people thinking we were shacking up–I took my husband’s name for other reasons, one of which is that people can actually spell his last name but could never spell mine. Oh the simple joys in life!
My favorite subject. Taking the last name shows unity. She should take his last name, or he should take hers, or they should come up with the own version or conglomoration. This provides commitment and sameness and discourages the individuality we have running amock causing massive selfishness. It is also better for kids’ identity.
I was happy to change my name. My maiden name was long, foreign and had no emotional attachment for me (my parents were divorce, father was a donkey).
My brother changed his name when he got married (the first time). He and his wife took my mother’s maiden name. Short, sweet, and a
familial connotation. He has since remarried and his 2nd wife kept her maiden name (and her son has his dad’s name. their subsequent 2 boys have my brother’s name)
My mom kept her married name after divorce so it would be ‘easier’ for us kids to all have the same name. She has since remarried (30 yrs common law) and kept her 1st married name. Now none of us have the same name!
What’s in a name anyway? My step dad is more my dad than my father ever was. In these days of blended families, the last name is the least of the challenges.
Unless the wife is a feminist, she should take the husband’s name.I think it is confusing if the parents have different last names. Hyphenated names are too long and should always be avoided. I am concerned whenever I meet a woman with a hyphenated last name. She is usually power hungry and probably looking to take over the world because taking over the household was too easy
I think there is definitely not a black and white answer on this one. It’s just up to the couple. I personally think the tradition of a woman automatically taking the man’s name is outdated. When the time came and we had the talk about it…he said he’d take my last name. He just wanted us to have the same last name so that if we have kids, it’s not complicated and a mess of different names. So we talked about which name it would be and I wanted to get away from my family name and so I took his. If he had been adamant and sexist about me taking his name, I would have refused just for the principle of it (and had my eyes opened about what other future crap might follow if that was his attitude).
I think the woman should. When you get married you are making a commitment to each other and starting a new life together. As a girl, your parents take care of you and you have their name, when you get married, your husband takes care of you, and you take on his name. It makes sense to me and I think it is a further sign of commitment and love.
Your husband’s parents took care of him too. And when you get married you should be taking care of each other–the husband is not taking care of you like your father did! I hope!
There have been some really interesting ideas put forth here. I believe that people should do what they want to do. And I really don’t think it’s that confusing for the kids. Lots of kids nowadays have two last names or hyphenated names.
I kept my maiden name when I was first married, but legally added my husband’s last name after a year to appease him (my choice) and had changed it in practice by our 2nd anniversary. We now have children, and I find it simpler to all have the same last name. I think people should do what they want, but expect confused or traditional onlookers to call them the wrong name. However, I think traditions are changing, and the norm may be different within the next generation or two.
Tradition should pay a part here. In most areas of this country the adopting of the husband’s name is what is done. Rightly or wrongly it is the easier path. I’ve known more then a few ladies who get irritated because they are always referred to as Mrs by people who don’t know better and she has to explain how that isn’t her name and why. I’ve known others where the kids take Dad’s name then most people at school and such assume she is a step-mother. The reaction of these ladies that I have known varies, but some get mad and want to lecture everyone on how wrong it is that they make assumptions and others just take it in stride. I knew one wife and mother who finally made the change after a decade of marriage because she was tired of people asking her kids about their “real mommy”.
Finally, and maybe this is a strech, for those temple-married LDS, there IS a significance to names for men and women. I won’t draw all the parallels to this debate here, but those that know can probably see where I am going with this.
It is a pain to change at first, and may be an outdated tradition, but society is not so far removed from the tradition. A lifetime of explanations and false assumptions doesn’t seem worth bucking the system.
i just always thought genealogy would be easier if the family took the man’s last name and each generation concurred. it becomes confusing figuring out who your ancestors are if they don’t have the “family” name, no?
I was only too glad to be rid of my maiden name and take on my husbands name. I think it is nice for the whole family to have the one surname. What this surname is to be though should be a personal choice made by each couple (whether it’s the husbands, the wifes, a combination or something totally new).
I live in Morocco and my husband is Moroccan. I never liked my maiden name anyway, and had no problem with changing it. I wanted to change it when I got married.
We got married in Morocco. When we signed our marriage document, I asked, “Where do I sign my new name?” They looked at me like I was crazy. That is when I found out that women NEVER change their birth name in Arabic countries. So I had to change it in the court in America.
Now in Morocco, when I tell people my name, they always ask how it is I have the same name as my husband. So I explain that in America, people think you are (or might not) be married if you don’t change your name, but just living together. (At least this used to be the case in America!) Then they understand, as “living together” would be unthinkable in an Arab country. Anyway, in spite of all the explanations, I can see the Moroccans are quite pleased that I have taken a Moroccan last name.
Furthermore, my Moroccan last name means “lucky” in Arabic, and I LOVE that!
Madame Monet
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine
winewriter.wordpress.com
I struggled with the question of whether or not to change my name when I married. I didn’t like my husband (then fiance)’s last name as much as I liked my own! He wanted us to have the same last name - notice I didn’t say he wanted me to take his name necessarily! But we both liked the idea of a unified family name. I ended up taking his name, and I’m already very accustomed to it - I barely remember the days of not liking it or not wanting it. A parent of a student of mine sighed when I told her I’d be taking my husband’s name in marriage, and said wistfully, “You’re moving into a cohesive world, which is more than I ever did… I wish I had. It’ll be easier on your children someday, too.” That made me feel I had made a good choice.
As a teacher I must say that it can be confusing to have students with different last names than their parent(s). Not that it’s a bad thing; just a little confusing at times.
As a girl who grew up Mormon, I always expected to take my future husband’s last name when I got married. When I did get married at age 26, I had been a practicing attorney for three years and although I wasn’t crazy for my own last name, I wasn’t hot about his last name either (they’re sort of equivalent. Timmerman v. Gundersen). My firm did not want me to change my name. They said I would lose name recognition (sort of true, but hey, I’d only been practicing 3 years so it’s not like I had a huge client base) plus they preferred Timmerman as not so obviously Utah Mormon as Gundersen. Despite their objections, I changed it.
If I could do it all over, I would have kept the maiden name as my professional name and legally changed it to his for the sake of children and social convenience. There is some benefit to the anonymity of keeping a professional name with all your clients (some who will come to hate you, as all lawyers will experience at some point or another) plus keeping the name recognition with judges and opposing counsel.
Too late now! Oh well. If you don’t have professional reasons to keep the maiden, I still say take his name. Unless his last name really, really sucks.
that is soooo wild that this is a question up here! i wrote a blog about this because i’m really feeling anxious about it… i’m still fairly newly wed and i haven’t changed my name yet and part of me doesn’t want to… i love my maiden name and all of the history that comes with it and i don’t want to lost my identity and change anames… is that bad?
I haven’t gotten married yet, but my long-term boyfriend and I have discussed this issue many times. We have both decided that it would be 100% fine if I kept my own last name. I will be getting in PhD in about 5 years from now, and since he will be getting his PhD in 1 year, we will both have the same exact name! “Dr. Lin” How confusing is that?
Also, my father (who also has his PhD) always wanted to have a son (he had two daughters), and if I can have the name “Dr. Chen,” then I will be carrying on his family name on all my papers and documents that I write. There are plenty of Chen’s and Lin’s on this planet, I know, but at least my dad’s name will live on
I personally love my name and I don’t plan on dropping it. Why does a woman have to give up her identity to please a man or show love? If that was the case then why shouldn’t the man take the woman’s last name to show love and committment. I love my fiancee very much, but I shouldn’t be asked to loose “myself” just to please him. Sorry, it’s 2008 not the 1950’s. Our children will also share both our names.
28 Responses to “Should Wives Take Their Husbands Last Name in Marriage?”
Only if she wants to.
In my marriage prep Sunday school class, some guy said that a woman taking her husband’s name at marriage is akin to us taking Christ’s name at baptism. I didn’t know if I should hit the guy, walk out or burst into laughter. I think a wife keeping her own name is fine; the only question is with the children. In our case, Bevington-Seawright or Seawright-Bevington is just too long.
I imagine we’ll go with Seawright since my wife already changed her name. Who knows. We’ll see.
By Max on Apr 22, 2008
Depends on the culture. In my culture, they do. It isn’t seen as demeaning, more of welcome to the family. However, there are exceptions for people who’s name is famous. In which case they keep their famous name for public reasons, but then for legal reasons they usually still switch.
By John on Apr 22, 2008
Can’t really say.
If a husband wants his future wife to take his last name, he should do what I already have - make sure he has a loooooong last name.
Here in Israel, wives sometimes decide to reserve their last name and link it with their husband’s. With a long enough family name (like mine), she is left with no choice at all
By Tsahi Levent-Levi on Apr 22, 2008
I am a Chinese. I think most Chinese women keep their own names. Why change your name that you have been using since you were born? Does it mean you love or respect you husband more? I hope not. To me, it kinda means that a woman is willing to sacrifice her own “identity” to marry a man. You know, I took my husband’s Polish last name and never feel comfortable about it. I am obviously not Polish. I have been thinking about changing it back to “my own” last name for the past 20 years. My two teenage girls didn’t like it whenever I brought up this issue. This just makes me regret even more because I don’t want my daughters to change their names for marriage. Well, it will be their choice though.
By qma on Apr 23, 2008
QMA makes a great remark. Men who cling to this tradition must do so out of ego or lack of self esteem. I didn’t change my name and my husband was totally cool about it. Of course, he DOES want our kids to have his name, so here we go with THAT issue. Hmmm.
Here’s the thing: ask the man how he’d feel about changing HIS name. Why should it be different for women? Remember that the REASON women changed their name was because they were either essentially OWNED by their father or OWNED by their husband. This is not the case anymore, as far as I can tell.
This is a European tradition generally by the way… in Latino cultures, I believe the both names are kept with the mother’s name last.
By ebeth on Apr 23, 2008
Totally up to her. She should, of course, take her new husband’s wishes into account, since she’s going to have to live with him for a long time, but it’s her decision. I was very attached to my maiden name and almost kept it, but I decided to take hubby’s name after all because I didn’t want people to think we were just shacking up. I still use my maiden name as my middle name, though. It’s even on my social security card and driver’s license that way.
By Ginkgo100 on Apr 23, 2008
It is very interesting to see the cultural aspect of this name taking tradition. If I had it to do over, I would have kept my maiden name as my middle name or hyphenated. I have no issue with taking my husband’s name and with children it will be easier, but I do wish I would have kept my maiden name in some form.
By Kelly on Apr 23, 2008
I think this point should be discussed before wedding plans are made. I am a traditionalist and think that the wife should take the last name of the husband. However, I like the trend lately of famous women taking the husbands name but also using their maiden name e.g. Hillary Rodham Clinton (by no means an endorsement), Pamela Anderson Lee (before the divorce) etc. I think hyphenating can be cumbersome, especially when the couple isn’t even married like the Pitt-Jolie’s (Jolie isn’t her real name anyway). I knew someone with the last name Flamming-Buschman (pronounced Flemming). That’s ridiculous.
By Vatermann on Apr 23, 2008
I was reluctant to change my name and didn’t feel that it should be a requirement or a “welcome to the family” kind of thing - I always believed that my husband and I would create our own family.
But…everyone in both families disagreed and refused to address me with my maiden name so I caved and took my maiden as my middle.
Can I also say that this tradition sucks because what a huge pain in the ass it is having to run around town to take care of all the paperwork. And to add insult to injury, it wasn’t good enough for the bank that I changed my name - they required a marriage certificate! And I was the sole account owner!
By heather on Apr 23, 2008
i think it’s ok if she doesn’t, however it seems if kids are involved it is nice to all be linked under the same last name.
By phillyz on Apr 23, 2008
It’s interesting how many people get touchy with this subject…
I agree 100% with Ginkgo100, but I didn’t take my husband’s name for fear of people thinking we were shacking up–I took my husband’s name for other reasons, one of which is that people can actually spell his last name but could never spell mine. Oh the simple joys in life!
By Sandy on Apr 23, 2008
My favorite subject. Taking the last name shows unity. She should take his last name, or he should take hers, or they should come up with the own version or conglomoration. This provides commitment and sameness and discourages the individuality we have running amock causing massive selfishness. It is also better for kids’ identity.
By thor on Apr 23, 2008
I was happy to change my name. My maiden name was long, foreign and had no emotional attachment for me (my parents were divorce, father was a donkey).
My brother changed his name when he got married (the first time). He and his wife took my mother’s maiden name. Short, sweet, and a
familial connotation. He has since remarried and his 2nd wife kept her maiden name (and her son has his dad’s name. their subsequent 2 boys have my brother’s name)
My mom kept her married name after divorce so it would be ‘easier’ for us kids to all have the same name. She has since remarried (30 yrs common law) and kept her 1st married name. Now none of us have the same name!
What’s in a name anyway? My step dad is more my dad than my father ever was. In these days of blended families, the last name is the least of the challenges.
By wifelikeme on Apr 23, 2008
Unless the wife is a feminist, she should take the husband’s name.I think it is confusing if the parents have different last names. Hyphenated names are too long and should always be avoided. I am concerned whenever I meet a woman with a hyphenated last name. She is usually power hungry and probably looking to take over the world because taking over the household was too easy
By Doc on Apr 23, 2008
I think there is definitely not a black and white answer on this one. It’s just up to the couple. I personally think the tradition of a woman automatically taking the man’s name is outdated. When the time came and we had the talk about it…he said he’d take my last name. He just wanted us to have the same last name so that if we have kids, it’s not complicated and a mess of different names. So we talked about which name it would be and I wanted to get away from my family name and so I took his. If he had been adamant and sexist about me taking his name, I would have refused just for the principle of it (and had my eyes opened about what other future crap might follow if that was his attitude).
By Shannon on Apr 23, 2008
I think the woman should. When you get married you are making a commitment to each other and starting a new life together. As a girl, your parents take care of you and you have their name, when you get married, your husband takes care of you, and you take on his name. It makes sense to me and I think it is a further sign of commitment and love.
By April on Apr 23, 2008
Your husband’s parents took care of him too. And when you get married you should be taking care of each other–the husband is not taking care of you like your father did! I hope!
There have been some really interesting ideas put forth here. I believe that people should do what they want to do. And I really don’t think it’s that confusing for the kids. Lots of kids nowadays have two last names or hyphenated names.
By Jane on Apr 23, 2008
I kept my maiden name when I was first married, but legally added my husband’s last name after a year to appease him (my choice) and had changed it in practice by our 2nd anniversary. We now have children, and I find it simpler to all have the same last name. I think people should do what they want, but expect confused or traditional onlookers to call them the wrong name. However, I think traditions are changing, and the norm may be different within the next generation or two.
By Andrea on Apr 23, 2008
Tradition should pay a part here. In most areas of this country the adopting of the husband’s name is what is done. Rightly or wrongly it is the easier path. I’ve known more then a few ladies who get irritated because they are always referred to as Mrs by people who don’t know better and she has to explain how that isn’t her name and why. I’ve known others where the kids take Dad’s name then most people at school and such assume she is a step-mother. The reaction of these ladies that I have known varies, but some get mad and want to lecture everyone on how wrong it is that they make assumptions and others just take it in stride. I knew one wife and mother who finally made the change after a decade of marriage because she was tired of people asking her kids about their “real mommy”.
Finally, and maybe this is a strech, for those temple-married LDS, there IS a significance to names for men and women. I won’t draw all the parallels to this debate here, but those that know can probably see where I am going with this.
It is a pain to change at first, and may be an outdated tradition, but society is not so far removed from the tradition. A lifetime of explanations and false assumptions doesn’t seem worth bucking the system.
By karlmalone on Apr 23, 2008
i just always thought genealogy would be easier if the family took the man’s last name and each generation concurred. it becomes confusing figuring out who your ancestors are if they don’t have the “family” name, no?
By celine on Apr 24, 2008
booya celine
By phillyz on Apr 24, 2008
I was only too glad to be rid of my maiden name and take on my husbands name. I think it is nice for the whole family to have the one surname. What this surname is to be though should be a personal choice made by each couple (whether it’s the husbands, the wifes, a combination or something totally new).
By Lightening on Apr 24, 2008
I live in Morocco and my husband is Moroccan. I never liked my maiden name anyway, and had no problem with changing it. I wanted to change it when I got married.
We got married in Morocco. When we signed our marriage document, I asked, “Where do I sign my new name?” They looked at me like I was crazy. That is when I found out that women NEVER change their birth name in Arabic countries. So I had to change it in the court in America.
Now in Morocco, when I tell people my name, they always ask how it is I have the same name as my husband. So I explain that in America, people think you are (or might not) be married if you don’t change your name, but just living together. (At least this used to be the case in America!) Then they understand, as “living together” would be unthinkable in an Arab country. Anyway, in spite of all the explanations, I can see the Moroccans are quite pleased that I have taken a Moroccan last name.
Furthermore, my Moroccan last name means “lucky” in Arabic, and I LOVE that!
Madame Monet
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine
winewriter.wordpress.com
By Madame Monet on Apr 26, 2008
I struggled with the question of whether or not to change my name when I married. I didn’t like my husband (then fiance)’s last name as much as I liked my own! He wanted us to have the same last name - notice I didn’t say he wanted me to take his name necessarily! But we both liked the idea of a unified family name. I ended up taking his name, and I’m already very accustomed to it - I barely remember the days of not liking it or not wanting it. A parent of a student of mine sighed when I told her I’d be taking my husband’s name in marriage, and said wistfully, “You’re moving into a cohesive world, which is more than I ever did… I wish I had. It’ll be easier on your children someday, too.” That made me feel I had made a good choice.
As a teacher I must say that it can be confusing to have students with different last names than their parent(s). Not that it’s a bad thing; just a little confusing at times.
By Sarah Marie on Apr 26, 2008
As a girl who grew up Mormon, I always expected to take my future husband’s last name when I got married. When I did get married at age 26, I had been a practicing attorney for three years and although I wasn’t crazy for my own last name, I wasn’t hot about his last name either (they’re sort of equivalent. Timmerman v. Gundersen). My firm did not want me to change my name. They said I would lose name recognition (sort of true, but hey, I’d only been practicing 3 years so it’s not like I had a huge client base) plus they preferred Timmerman as not so obviously Utah Mormon as Gundersen. Despite their objections, I changed it.
If I could do it all over, I would have kept the maiden name as my professional name and legally changed it to his for the sake of children and social convenience. There is some benefit to the anonymity of keeping a professional name with all your clients (some who will come to hate you, as all lawyers will experience at some point or another) plus keeping the name recognition with judges and opposing counsel.
Too late now! Oh well. If you don’t have professional reasons to keep the maiden, I still say take his name. Unless his last name really, really sucks.
By Traci on Apr 30, 2008
that is soooo wild that this is a question up here! i wrote a blog about this because i’m really feeling anxious about it… i’m still fairly newly wed and i haven’t changed my name yet and part of me doesn’t want to… i love my maiden name and all of the history that comes with it and i don’t want to lost my identity and change anames… is that bad?
By bella on May 2, 2008
I haven’t gotten married yet, but my long-term boyfriend and I have discussed this issue many times. We have both decided that it would be 100% fine if I kept my own last name. I will be getting in PhD in about 5 years from now, and since he will be getting his PhD in 1 year, we will both have the same exact name! “Dr. Lin” How confusing is that?
Also, my father (who also has his PhD) always wanted to have a son (he had two daughters), and if I can have the name “Dr. Chen,” then I will be carrying on his family name on all my papers and documents that I write. There are plenty of Chen’s and Lin’s on this planet, I know, but at least my dad’s name will live on
By Tia on Jun 19, 2008
I personally love my name and I don’t plan on dropping it. Why does a woman have to give up her identity to please a man or show love? If that was the case then why shouldn’t the man take the woman’s last name to show love and committment. I love my fiancee very much, but I shouldn’t be asked to loose “myself” just to please him. Sorry, it’s 2008 not the 1950’s. Our children will also share both our names.
By Pat on Jul 2, 2008