WifeAdvice.com

Only if she wants to.
In my marriage prep Sunday school class, some guy said that a woman taking her husband’s name at marriage is akin to us taking Christ’s name at baptism. I didn’t know if I should hit the guy, walk out or burst into laughter. I think a wife keeping her own name is fine; the only question is with the children. In our case, Bevington-Seawright or Seawright-Bevington is just too long.
I imagine we’ll go with Seawright since my wife already changed her name. Who knows. We’ll see.

By Max on Apr 22, 2008

Depends on the culture. In my culture, they do. It isn’t seen as demeaning, more of welcome to the family. However, there are exceptions for people who’s name is famous. In which case they keep their famous name for public reasons, but then for legal reasons they usually still switch.

By John on Apr 22, 2008

Can’t really say.
If a husband wants his future wife to take his last name, he should do what I already have – make sure he has a loooooong last name.
Here in Israel, wives sometimes decide to reserve their last name and link it with their husband’s. With a long enough family name (like mine), she is left with no choice at all

By Tsahi Levent-Levi on Apr 22, 2008

I am a Chinese. I think most Chinese women keep their own names. Why change your name that you have been using since you were born? Does it mean you love or respect you husband more? I hope not. To me, it kinda means that a woman is willing to sacrifice her own “identity” to marry a man. You know, I took my husband’s Polish last name and never feel comfortable about it. I am obviously not Polish. I have been thinking about changing it back to “my own” last name for the past 20 years. My two teenage girls didn’t like it whenever I brought up this issue. This just makes me regret even more because I don’t want my daughters to change their names for marriage. Well, it will be their choice though.

By qma on Apr 23, 2008

QMA makes a great remark. Men who cling to this tradition must do so out of ego or lack of self esteem. I didn’t change my name and my husband was totally cool about it. Of course, he DOES want our kids to have his name, so here we go with THAT issue. Hmmm.

Here’s the thing: ask the man how he’d feel about changing HIS name. Why should it be different for women? Remember that the REASON women changed their name was because they were either essentially OWNED by their father or OWNED by their husband. This is not the case anymore, as far as I can tell.

This is a European tradition generally by the way… in Latino cultures, I believe the both names are kept with the mother’s name last.

By ebeth on Apr 23, 2008

Totally up to her. She should, of course, take her new husband’s wishes into account, since she’s going to have to live with him for a long time, but it’s her decision. I was very attached to my maiden name and almost kept it, but I decided to take hubby’s name after all because I didn’t want people to think we were just shacking up. I still use my maiden name as my middle name, though. It’s even on my social security card and driver’s license that way.

By Ginkgo100 on Apr 23, 2008

It is very interesting to see the cultural aspect of this name taking tradition. If I had it to do over, I would have kept my maiden name as my middle name or hyphenated. I have no issue with taking my husband’s name and with children it will be easier, but I do wish I would have kept my maiden name in some form.

By Kelly on Apr 23, 2008

I think this point should be discussed before wedding plans are made. I am a traditionalist and think that the wife should take the last name of the husband. However, I like the trend lately of famous women taking the husbands name but also using their maiden name e.g. Hillary Rodham Clinton (by no means an endorsement), Pamela Anderson Lee (before the divorce) etc. I think hyphenating can be cumbersome, especially when the couple isn’t even married like the Pitt-Jolie’s (Jolie isn’t her real name anyway). I knew someone with the last name Flamming-Buschman (pronounced Flemming). That’s ridiculous.

By Vatermann on Apr 23, 2008

I was reluctant to change my name and didn’t feel that it should be a requirement or a “welcome to the family” kind of thing – I always believed that my husband and I would create our own family.

But…everyone in both families disagreed and refused to address me with my maiden name so I caved and took my maiden as my middle.

Can I also say that this tradition sucks because what a huge pain in the ass it is having to run around town to take care of all the paperwork. And to add insult to injury, it wasn’t good enough for the bank that I changed my name – they required a marriage certificate! And I was the sole account owner!

By heather on Apr 23, 2008

i think it’s ok if she doesn’t, however it seems if kids are involved it is nice to all be linked under the same last name.

By phillyz on Apr 23, 2008

It’s interesting how many people get touchy with this subject…

I agree 100% with Ginkgo100, but I didn’t take my husband’s name for fear of people thinking we were shacking up–I took my husband’s name for other reasons, one of which is that people can actually spell his last name but could never spell mine. Oh the simple joys in life!

By Sandy on Apr 23, 2008

My favorite subject. Taking the last name shows unity. She should take his last name, or he should take hers, or they should come up with the own version or conglomoration. This provides commitment and sameness and discourages the individuality we have running amock causing massive selfishness. It is also better for kids’ identity.

By thor on Apr 23, 2008

I was happy to change my name. My maiden name was long, foreign and had no emotional attachment for me (my parents were divorce, father was a donkey).

My brother changed his name when he got married (the first time). He and his wife took my mother’s maiden name. Short, sweet, and a
familial connotation. He has since remarried and his 2nd wife kept her maiden name (and her son has his dad’s name. their subsequent 2 boys have my brother’s name)

My mom kept her married name after divorce so it would be ‘easier’ for us kids to all have the same name. She has since remarried (30 yrs common law) and kept her 1st married name. Now none of us have the same name!

What’s in a name anyway? My step dad is more my dad than my father ever was. In these days of blended families, the last name is the least of the challenges.

By wifelikeme on Apr 23, 2008

Unless the wife is a feminist, she should take the husband’s name.I think it is confusing if the parents have different last names. Hyphenated names are too long and should always be avoided. I am concerned whenever I meet a woman with a hyphenated last name. She is usually power hungry and probably looking to take over the world because taking over the household was too easy

By Doc on Apr 23, 2008

I think there is definitely not a black and white answer on this one. It’s just up to the couple. I personally think the tradition of a woman automatically taking the man’s name is outdated. When the time came and we had the talk about it…he said he’d take my last name. He just wanted us to have the same last name so that if we have kids, it’s not complicated and a mess of different names. So we talked about which name it would be and I wanted to get away from my family name and so I took his. If he had been adamant and sexist about me taking his name, I would have refused just for the principle of it (and had my eyes opened about what other future crap might follow if that was his attitude).

By Shannon on Apr 23, 2008

I think the woman should. When you get married you are making a commitment to each other and starting a new life together. As a girl, your parents take care of you and you have their name, when you get married, your husband takes care of you, and you take on his name. It makes sense to me and I think it is a further sign of commitment and love.

By April on Apr 23, 2008

Your husband’s parents took care of him too. And when you get married you should be taking care of each other–the husband is not taking care of you like your father did! I hope!

There have been some really interesting ideas put forth here. I believe that people should do what they want to do. And I really don’t think it’s that confusing for the kids. Lots of kids nowadays have two last names or hyphenated names.

By Jane on Apr 23, 2008

I kept my maiden name when I was first married, but legally added my husband’s last name after a year to appease him (my choice) and had changed it in practice by our 2nd anniversary. We now have children, and I find it simpler to all have the same last name. I think people should do what they want, but expect confused or traditional onlookers to call them the wrong name. However, I think traditions are changing, and the norm may be different within the next generation or two.

By Andrea on Apr 23, 2008

Tradition should pay a part here. In most areas of this country the adopting of the husband’s name is what is done. Rightly or wrongly it is the easier path. I’ve known more then a few ladies who get irritated because they are always referred to as Mrs by people who don’t know better and she has to explain how that isn’t her name and why. I’ve known others where the kids take Dad’s name then most people at school and such assume she is a step-mother. The reaction of these ladies that I have known varies, but some get mad and want to lecture everyone on how wrong it is that they make assumptions and others just take it in stride. I knew one wife and mother who finally made the change after a decade of marriage because she was tired of people asking her kids about their “real mommy”.

Finally, and maybe this is a strech, for those temple-married LDS, there IS a significance to names for men and women. I won’t draw all the parallels to this debate here, but those that know can probably see where I am going with this.

It is a pain to change at first, and may be an outdated tradition, but society is not so far removed from the tradition. A lifetime of explanations and false assumptions doesn’t seem worth bucking the system.

By karlmalone on Apr 23, 2008

i just always thought genealogy would be easier if the family took the man’s last name and each generation concurred. it becomes confusing figuring out who your ancestors are if they don’t have the “family” name, no?

By celine on Apr 24, 2008

booya celine

By phillyz on Apr 24, 2008

I was only too glad to be rid of my maiden name and take on my husbands name. I think it is nice for the whole family to have the one surname. What this surname is to be though should be a personal choice made by each couple (whether it’s the husbands, the wifes, a combination or something totally new).

By Lightening on Apr 24, 2008

I live in Morocco and my husband is Moroccan. I never liked my maiden name anyway, and had no problem with changing it. I wanted to change it when I got married.

We got married in Morocco. When we signed our marriage document, I asked, “Where do I sign my new name?” They looked at me like I was crazy. That is when I found out that women NEVER change their birth name in Arabic countries. So I had to change it in the court in America.

Now in Morocco, when I tell people my name, they always ask how it is I have the same name as my husband. So I explain that in America, people think you are (or might not) be married if you don’t change your name, but just living together. (At least this used to be the case in America!) Then they understand, as “living together” would be unthinkable in an Arab country. Anyway, in spite of all the explanations, I can see the Moroccans are quite pleased that I have taken a Moroccan last name.

Furthermore, my Moroccan last name means “lucky” in Arabic, and I LOVE that!

Madame Monet
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine
winewriter.wordpress.com

By Madame Monet on Apr 26, 2008

I struggled with the question of whether or not to change my name when I married. I didn’t like my husband (then fiance)’s last name as much as I liked my own! He wanted us to have the same last name – notice I didn’t say he wanted me to take his name necessarily! But we both liked the idea of a unified family name. I ended up taking his name, and I’m already very accustomed to it – I barely remember the days of not liking it or not wanting it. A parent of a student of mine sighed when I told her I’d be taking my husband’s name in marriage, and said wistfully, “You’re moving into a cohesive world, which is more than I ever did… I wish I had. It’ll be easier on your children someday, too.” That made me feel I had made a good choice.

As a teacher I must say that it can be confusing to have students with different last names than their parent(s). Not that it’s a bad thing; just a little confusing at times.

By Sarah Marie on Apr 26, 2008

As a girl who grew up Mormon, I always expected to take my future husband’s last name when I got married. When I did get married at age 26, I had been a practicing attorney for three years and although I wasn’t crazy for my own last name, I wasn’t hot about his last name either (they’re sort of equivalent. Timmerman v. Gundersen). My firm did not want me to change my name. They said I would lose name recognition (sort of true, but hey, I’d only been practicing 3 years so it’s not like I had a huge client base) plus they preferred Timmerman as not so obviously Utah Mormon as Gundersen. Despite their objections, I changed it.

If I could do it all over, I would have kept the maiden name as my professional name and legally changed it to his for the sake of children and social convenience. There is some benefit to the anonymity of keeping a professional name with all your clients (some who will come to hate you, as all lawyers will experience at some point or another) plus keeping the name recognition with judges and opposing counsel.

Too late now! Oh well. If you don’t have professional reasons to keep the maiden, I still say take his name. Unless his last name really, really sucks.

By Traci on Apr 30, 2008

that is soooo wild that this is a question up here! i wrote a blog about this because i’m really feeling anxious about it… i’m still fairly newly wed and i haven’t changed my name yet and part of me doesn’t want to… i love my maiden name and all of the history that comes with it and i don’t want to lost my identity and change anames… is that bad?

By bella on May 2, 2008

I haven’t gotten married yet, but my long-term boyfriend and I have discussed this issue many times. We have both decided that it would be 100% fine if I kept my own last name. I will be getting in PhD in about 5 years from now, and since he will be getting his PhD in 1 year, we will both have the same exact name! “Dr. Lin” How confusing is that?

Also, my father (who also has his PhD) always wanted to have a son (he had two daughters), and if I can have the name “Dr. Chen,” then I will be carrying on his family name on all my papers and documents that I write. There are plenty of Chen’s and Lin’s on this planet, I know, but at least my dad’s name will live on

By Tia on Jun 19, 2008

I personally love my name and I don’t plan on dropping it. Why does a woman have to give up her identity to please a man or show love? If that was the case then why shouldn’t the man take the woman’s last name to show love and committment. I love my fiancee very much, but I shouldn’t be asked to loose “myself” just to please him. Sorry, it’s 2008 not the 1950′s. Our children will also share both our names.

By Pat on Jul 2, 2008

**Sorry this is so long! :/ **

*cough,cough* a little power hungry ladies??…

I’m sorry, let me start again.

My first name is Beth. I am in a long term relationship with a loving, fun and wonderful man. We have openly discussed marriage together several times but never got around to this particular topic. Honestly? I see no reason why the woman should not take her hubby’s name, unless in cases of “his name is just plain weird” or “people can’t pronounce it correctly!”

I am only 1/4 Mexican, but looking at me you would defiantly think I had a much greater percentage (I love my “Latina” looks!). It was only when I reached around middle school age that my looks went from “dark haired white chick” to “Latina? Oh most defiantly!” All through my school years, teachers butchered my last name, and I always disliked my name because of it, but then my looks kicked in to match my name and suddenly I adored it and the heritage that comes with it.

Additionally, I come from a dysfunctional family, not very close to them at all anymore, except my loving father.

So, I see no problem at all in taking my current boyfriends last name (Sherlin) as my own, and then changing my middle name (Ann…don’t even get me started on how many teachers called me “Beth Ann” instead of just Beth! UGH!) to my maiden name (Chacon).

Oh and “Taking his means he’s OWNING me?” “Taking his name means I am submitting to him?” what kind of garbage is that?! I’m sorry, but I was a hardcore feminist a few years ago but I never thought that taking my future husbands last name as my own was insulting or degrading for me. I want to find a man, and become part of his family. And then us create a family together. One last name, all of us united under it. I see no insult about it.

By Beth on Aug 15, 2008

Most guys I know (unfortunately) believe that a guy is a bit of a wuss if his wife keeps her own name. I hear comments to the effect that she wears the pants in the family,he must be a weakling, stuff like that.

By Jack on Sep 14, 2008

Thank you to everyone who posted here I have been searching the internet, and came across this site and was surprisingly pleased that everyone who posts here has great ideas and every answer I read was relevant and respectful. Thanks again!

By Sarah on Oct 6, 2008

Im common law married and I’m going through a divorce can I keep his last name even if I havent been using it.

By Jackie on Oct 9, 2008

I am keeping my maiden name. I already changed it once a couple of years ago. My biological father left when I was an infant and having never met him before he died this year, I felt no connection to him or his name. Luckily, I had a family name as a middle name anyway, and just dropped the other and used my middle name as my last name. My new (of 3 days!) husband is aok with this, and we’ve agreed that our children will have my last name as a middle name and his last name as the last name. I may change my mind later in life, but I haven’t been this person for too long yet, and quite like my “new” name.

By Hilary on Nov 19, 2008

My comment goes along with my background. See, I’ve always loved my birth name. I can honestly say that I had a privileged childhood. I was one of seven kids and we had great parents. My dad’s family was quite successful with their business and we always wore out last name with honor. When I married, I kept my last name. I don’t care about complications with unity and that crap. I’m proud of my past, my family, their success (our success), and just overall good memories and time well spent.

So I refused to take on my hubby’s last name. And you’d be surprised on how much of an uproar it stirred on my husband’s side. My family was cool with it. My dad was proud and everyone accepted it and welcomed it. Josh’s family felt insulted. I told Josh that he could either side with his family and lose me or learn to deal with it. So in the end, he accepted it.

As for our child, (we happily have one for now), he got my last name as well. For one, it’s not that hard to understand. For two, this is my father’s grandson and he should carry on his pop-pop’s name. I wouldn’t have it any other way. And again, it’s something Josh’s family has to learn to deal with.

By Adrianne on Dec 15, 2008

Okay, what if the guys last name is the same as the girls first name…seriously…what the hell

By Taylor on Feb 14, 2009

At least in most latin based cultures (Spain, Portugal, Italy, Latin America) wives never take the last name of their husbands. Kids have two last names, usually the first one is the father’s and the second is the mother’s (but it can be the other way round). Trust me, it doesn’t produce identity problems…it’s the way things work here and you certainly know who your mother and father is provided they have stuck around. I think the choice between taking your husband’s last name or not has no real impact…to me it is aestetically shocking for someone to loose part of their heritage that way but I see how someone could see at as new start

By Esteban G. on Apr 3, 2009

most traditions in marriage revolve around the woman. i would even say that most weddings are for the woman. i am a guy with a huge circle of friends and i can tell you this … if it were up to the guy, most marriages would take place at city hall lol. i would take my wifes last name if we switched ALL the traditions; she could ask me to marry her while unveiling a $10,000 rolex watch and we got married at city hall without the big day which revolves around her lol. i am being facetious, and ridiculous but come on, we can’t just hand pick which traditions we throw out. if we are going to throw out one saying tradition is silly, then she should also say “this buying a grossly overpriced stone that people are killed to produce is not necessary, just a piece of string as a symbol will be fine” lol. won’t happen. at the end of the day, my bigger concern is the family unit. the family is under attack and has been for decades now. parents (dad watches tv, mom is reading, kid playing vids – or whatever) and now we don’t even belong to the same team (different names). its the greatest symbol of all – we are the …. smiths, jones’, johnsons etc
moreover, the argument of belonging to a man is moot, bcos by that logic, you currently belong to your father. at least “choosing” to change your name represents free will (as does not choosing) vs being “branded” at birth as some would say lol.
to me its about being a team – a family – a unit, and if we are going with the mans name based on tradition cool, if we go with the womans than all traditional roles should be reversed. or here’s a novel idea … if you don’t want the mans last name and he wants you to take it … dont get married. you’ll be common law and get all the same legal benefits and i guarantee, he’ll be fine not spending $30,000 grand on the whole show and just leaving well enuf alone.

By daveb on Apr 26, 2009

Invert the question: Should husbands take their wives’ names?

Can you give me a sound reason why they should? If you can, I’ll think about it and consider whether that reason can also be applied to women.

And, women, why all these reasons; I like my heritage, my husband was cool with the idea.? Just ask yourselves; is he giving the matter as much thought as I am? If not; why not?

Whether you have always liked your surname or not, whether your father is an angel or a devil is actually irrelevant to the logic of the debate. (Though I admit it may have individual relevance.) The fact is, your surname is ‘that by which you are identified’ and has been yours since birth.

Until men and women change their names with equal frequency, the simple fact that this is seen as a woman’s issue shows the whole thing is essentially sexist and therefore deserves to be – at the very least – challenged.

By mark on Jul 27, 2009

The man lets the bride plan the wedding he buys her the diamond ring. He lets her decide whether or not the wedding takes place the proposal. He lets her march down in her over the top white (in many cases inappropriately white)dress under full adoration of the crowd while he waits positioned in his standard rented tuxedo. He affords her every whim with these issues. All that he asks for in return is that she take his humble last name on paper. It is her way of saying she is proud to be with him. That they are willing to spend their lives together as one. Just like the wedding is mostly a celebration of the bride the name is a celebration of the groom. I don’t know if women worry about their legacy very often, but from my experience older men seem to care about this more. Women often think it is a sexist male subjugation thing for women to take the man’s last name when it is not. It is more of a legacy thing. Men feel good knowing they have maintained their family for the future. They have kept their name alive and done good by their fathers. I think it is a lot to ask a man to give that up.

By br on Dec 7, 2009

Thanks for all the useful comments – I have a unique challenge! I gave up my maiden name when first married over 30 years ago (so it’s history). I have kept my married name since my divorce 4 years ago out of laziness more than anything; but now I’m getting remarried. My fiance is latino and as mentioned before latinos do not change their names on marriage – but I don’t want to be stuck with my ex’s name! What to do? This is bothering me more than it should but I really don’t know.
PS My fiance really doesn’t mind but I think he thinks if I change my name to his it would be weird!

By Jenny on Jan 13, 2010

Interesting – this subject came up in a conversation with me last night (always good to talk about these types of things if you are even possibly considering marriage). Anyway, I have no desire to change my last name when I marry simply because it’s tradition. I’m not an extreme feminist, nor do I have a great attachment to my maiden name, but I own a lot of businesses and the hassle alone of changing hundreds of legal documents would keep me from doing it.

Each individual has a choice – if it isn’t that big of deal for one, but a big deal for the other, then it makes sense to go with the wishes of the other. If it’s extremely important to both (wife doesn’t want to change her name but the husband does) then you’ll probably have to agree to disagree or risk resentment later. It all comes down to this – is such a silly subject really worth so much argument in a relationship? Keep your own names – give the kids the husband’s name and be done with it. We live in a time with so many blended families (mentioned above and in my own family) that to go around worrying that every single person has the same last name is a waste of everyone’s time – just a practical viewpoint.

By Melinda on Apr 22, 2010

Oh and to Jenny on 1/13/10 – if your fiance is fine with whatever you decide, then go with what feels right to you and save yourself future worries.

By Melinda on Apr 22, 2010

To Mark on 7/27 – very nice.

By Melinda on Apr 22, 2010

To Adrianne on 12/15/08 – well said.

By Melinda on Apr 22, 2010

Well, I’m Spanish, so we don’t have to decide about this. In Spain everybody have two surnames, the first is the father’s and the second the mother’s surname. So mothers NEVER have the same as their husbands or children. The only people who have the same two surnames are the brothers and sisters. So, this is the reason for us it’s so strange the anglo saxon system. People in Spain never change their name in their entire lives and for us couples with the same surname seem to be brother and sister. It is more practical because it’s very improbable to find someone named exactly like you. You also can name a child like her mother or father and they are never going to be confused because although they have the same first name one surname is different. English people have asked to me “but how do you write the couple?” like if it were a big problem. You simply could write to Fernandez Gonzalez family but we generally don’t do that, we simply write one of the adults name with the address on the envelope and then we refer to the hole family in the text, beginning with a “Hola a todos” (Hello everybody)

By vivi on Apr 27, 2010

Hilary, I don’t think you realise how much of a #$&* you sound. I’m sure the fathers side love their grandson as much as your family so why don’t YOU learn to deal with it you feminist slime? Give the guy a break. It really just sounds like you’re taking advantage of your husbands good nature! I’m not a traditional bloke in many senses but I am a firm believer that a married family unit should unite under one name, whether it’s yours or his! My fiancée doesn’t want to change her surname to mine because hers is unique and mine is common. However, we’ve decided on taking the surname of each of our grandfathers, because conveniently, our grandfathers have the same surname . So it works nicely!

By Cheg on May 8, 2010

I am baffled at what I’m reading here from some posters.
Why would a woman wanting to keep the identity that she’s had for 20 or 30 years mean that she’s power hungry or selfish?
Why isn’t that argument put forth about men who insist that women take their last name?
The patriarchy is alive and well, and it’s very sad.

Let me present this option: Feminism means that today, women have the power to choose whatever THEY want and whatever THEY feel comfortable with. In the past women either legally had to take their husbands last name or the societal pressure was so great that she did not have another option. Today, the pressure is still there, but given the strides women have taken towards equality – the choice is hers.

If you want your husbands last name – take it. If you don’t – keep yours. If you want to combine them, do that.

The choice of a last name is very personal. Shame on those of you who would control others. Worry about yourself. I’m sure there are areas of YOUR life that need attention.

By Eileen on May 24, 2010

I’m contemplating taking my husband’s last name. (We just celebrated our 15th anniversary.) I recently asked how he’d feel about that and, to my surprise, answered, “It would be nice.” (We both burst into laughter immediately afterward.) It’s so unlike him to have such traditional leanings. To date, he’s only ever encouraged me to do what I wanted…with a slight slant toward me taking his name.

We don’t have children, so I’ve never bothered. Like many others have said, it would be easier if everyone in the family had the same last name. But with it just being the two of us, there doesn’t seem to be much incentive to change my name.

A friend of mine is a professional woman, and didn’t change her name. I’m betting she’s glad she didn’t, now that, five years later, she and her husband are getting divorced.

I have to say that, for me, the question of changing my name to my husband’s is nearly identical to asking him to change his name to mine. The only difference is tradition, and the likely negative reactions from other men…who’ll view him as weak. I don’t feel weak for considering changing my name to his, so…. (Men can be so fragile.) Don’t get me wrong, though. My husband is his own man. Other men don’t even really challenge him. He’s professionally successful, and physically spectacular…and huge…so he simply gets respect from other men.

The other issue is that of pronunciation and spelling. My last name is a good, ol’ fashioned English name. …Easy to spell. …Easy to pronounce. My husband’s last name is longer, two words, and difficult for English-speakers to pronounce. Several years ago, we bought a mattress from Sears, and my husband jokingly put down the delivery information in my name, but with his last name. Sure enough, a couple of days later, the deliverymen called to make sure I was home, and began the call with, “Hello. May I speak to Jody… (long pause) …stammering… …more stammering… …finally a bastardized version of my husband’s name. “Close enough,” I graciously replied. That was my first (and obviously last) time electing to use my husband’s last name, instead of my own.

Still, as I once again consider switching surnames, it would truly be my choice, at this point. While I haven’t had any backlash from family members so far, some insist on referring to me as Mrs. (my husband’s name). I find that a bit disrespectful. It’s so foreign to me, it’s kind of like arbitrarily calling them by their neighbour’s names. They’d be like, ‘What?’ That’s how I feel when they do it.

I also dislike marital clues in women’s titles. I have ALWAYS only ever used “Ms.” because, as a young woman, I felt it was nobody’s business if I was married or not…like a man’s title. Since getting married, I’ve stuck with “Ms.” for the same reason.

Anyway, I’m glad to have come across this discussion. …Lots of interesting viewpoints and experiences.

By Jody on Jun 28, 2011

Oh, vivi…I have a question for you. In my family, it would be completely inappropriate to open mail that is not specifically addressed to you. We write both the husband’s and wife’s name on an envelope, so they know it would be acceptable for either to open it. If I write to my sister, for exmple, and address a letter to her alone, I would be very annoyed if her husband opened the letter and read it, and vice versa. I don’t open my husband’s personal mail, nor does he, mine. (Bills are another story. We don’t care either way, when it comes to bills.)

I’m not sure I understand how the wife knows which letters are meant only for her husband and which are meant for them both, if just the husband’s name traditionally appears on the envelope. (And, believe me, I understand, this is not a big deal in most households. I’m just curious, as personal privacy is a big deal to me.)

By Jody on Jun 28, 2011

Oh, and just to counter daveb’s comment, I would like to point out a few things.

Marriage is a male invention. Men invented it, and have perpetuated the concept for centuries, long before women in this country got the vote, and in countries where women still have no rights.

Married men are happier and live longer than single men. It’s the opposite for women.

The notion that women originated the idea of marriage, and that men are averse to it, is little more than male-devised propaganda. Only the brainwashed fall for that nonsense. Just a minute or two of historical research will prove the manly origins of marriage.

In my own case, I never wanted to get married. It took several years of convincing, but finally I agreed to do it. After all, I wasn’t opposed to marriage, and it was important to my husband. So, I agreed. Then, I really only wanted to go to city hall. But HE wanted an actual wedding. Again, since I wasn’t “opposed” to having a wedding, I agreed to it. I would have been happy just living together for the rest of our lives, though.

Before anyone concludes he’s wussy or not “manly” (whatever that means), I must say he is a spectacular example of manhood. As an independent, self-sufficient woman, I’ve only been interested in a counterpart, of sorts. …Someone different from me, as a partner. My husband is successful, well-educated, positively huge and strong (just under seven feet and over three-hundred pounds). He’s never been in a fist fight partly, I think, because other men simply respect him. He’s confident, but not arrogant. He’s good-natured and considerate. He isn’t trying to prove anything to anyone. It’s one of the qualities I find most attractive; that quiet confidence.

When he asked about an engagement ring, I stipulated that I didn’t want some big, gauche, sweater-catcher. We agreed on an eternity band from Tiffany’s. …A ring of perfect, little stones, for about $2,500. I couldn’t love a ring more than I do my engagement ring. Our wedding bands are matching gold and platinum.

Now, after all that, we are exceedingly traditional, in this day and age. I owned my own business when we first got together. He soon joined as a partner, then I retired to stay at home and keep a spotless home, manicured gardens, etc. …Things we both appreciate.

I have always expected (appreciated) men to open doors, pull out chairs, etc. It’s not that they were bad guys if they didn’t do that, just not the one for me. That said, I had to teach this to my husband, and he was good enough to accept that it was important to me.

So, a woman who kept her own name, didn’t want to get married or have a wedding, is also a homemaker and expects her husband to open doors, or stand when she enters a room.

The world, it seems, is full of individuals, where generalizations rarely hold true at the personal level.

By Jody on Jun 28, 2011

To add… I just saw a story about a young girl who linked all but one U.S. president to a single ancestor because, unlike prior genealogists who only follow the male side, she looked at both the maternal and paternal family trees. I suppose it’s no surprise it took a little girl to do something so reasonable.

By Jody on Jul 1, 2011

I am getting married soon and this is an issue I’ve been thinking about myself. Being English by birth, but living in a Spanish community, I have the two sides to take into account. Something about swapping my name for his just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not the world’s biggest feminist but I do have a strong sense of identity. During bad experiences in my life, my family has been there by my side to help me through and I am proud to be a part of that unit. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’m not excited about uniting with my new husband, but something about dropping my name completely would feel to me as if I were turning my back on my own family. So I am definitely keeping my own name, I just have to decide whether to hook his on to the end. That seems nice to me, as it really demonstrates the unity of the two sides. It would be a little weird as far as the Spanish community are concerned, since that would indicate to them that I am the daughter of “x” and “y”, so locally I will probably still be known by my current name, and I’ll save the longer version for the English family. We’re not planning on having kids, so that makes it easier for this decision to be entirely personal, rather than thinking about future complications, but even so, I like the Spanish way of using the two family names for their children. To me, it says that family x and family y have come together, and produced this child. What a beautiful sentiment!

Either way, I know that some people feel very strongly about this issue, one way or the other. I don’t see it as an emasculation to not take his name, and apparently an estimated 50% of women in the UK no longer take their new husband’s name (according to the Deed Poll agency).
Each to his or her own.

Oh, and by the by, my brother married a woman with the same (rather uncommon) surname as our family, so there was one instance of it not being an issue.

By Fiona on Feb 28, 2012

mark on Jul 27, 2009,
Eileen on May 24, 2010
awesome comments!

I kept my name at marriage. I had some silly relatives addressing me as Mrs my husband’s name…even when I told them I wasn’t changing it and I’m Ms not Mrs. They soon got with the program after a few tellings off lol.
My father calls/addresses me in the right way but he still says “How will people know you are married if you don’t change your name or be addressed as Mrs?” I think that is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard as I wasn’t aware I’m defined by my marital status (who knew??? lol). I ask him “How do people know my husband is married, you know with him keeping his name and being addressed as Mr?”. His thinking is slowly changing…he is a work in progress lol.
I love my family very much but….OY!!! lol

I think women should do what they think is right in all honesty but I do like the last 2 paragraphs of -’mark on Jul 27, 2009′ comment…

Whether you have always liked your surname or not, whether your father is an angel or a devil is actually irrelevant to the logic of the debate. (Though I admit it may have individual relevance.) The fact is, your surname is ‘that by which you are identified’ and has been yours since birth.

Until men and women change their names with equal frequency, the simple fact that this is seen as a woman’s issue shows the whole thing is essentially sexist and therefore deserves to be – at the very least – challenged.

By Jade H on Nov 5, 2012