Roaches and Other Vermin Can Help a Husband Pick a Restaurant
Roaches to the Rescue
This month is Choose Your Restaurant month. The Donkey provides tips on avoiding chick-food establishments.
We love to go out to eat. It is the one thing I am willing to spend a lot of money on. We normally choose together where to eat, but sometimes my wife will insist on some weird chick-food place. I have eaten at restaurants that only serve salads and other places that don’t serve anything fried in oil. One time I ate a sandwich called Good Things Growing. How can a man live like that? This month I will provide tips that will help you avoid those nasty health conscious yuppie establishments.
When I was in high school I wanted to cause a stir one day, so I bought a bunch of mice. I planned on transporting them to school with the intent to let them loose in the lunch room. I put them in my pockets, but didn’t get very far because they kept biting my legs. Although my plan was unsuccessful then, it provides the foundation for today’s tip. At the beginning of the week, suggest that your wife pick out a restaurant. Tell her that you have had your way too many times. She will appreciate it and select Garden Gourmet. The day before your date, stop at a sporting goods store and pick up a few night crawlers or crickets - and by a few I mean at least 100. If you want to get really crazy pick up some mice, but keep them in a box or something and not your pockets. When you get to the restaurant edge toward a wall or corner and let the havoc begin. While squinting unsurely, slyly point to the critters running and hopping on the floor and ask your wife if she sees something moving. Quickly plug your ears as the screams begin and run after your wife as she bolts toward the car. “Why don’t we go with that steak place we like,” you suggest confidently as you hold her tightly. “I have never seen anything gross in there.” She will agree and appreciate your chivalry. Way to go King Arthur.
photo by lhunt
5 Responses to “Roaches and Other Vermin Can Help a Husband Pick a Restaurant”
This is truly … um… one of the better ideas you’ve had, there Donkey. I am impressed. Next time my wife wants to go to a Vegan restaurant, this is my solution.
By cory huff on Apr 7, 2008
Hey Donkey, don’t you think it’s counter-productive to your constant attempts to get your wife to work out more (i.e. lose weight I suppose) to refuse to go to healthy restaurants with her?
By Sarah Marie on Apr 7, 2008
I think, though your idea is humorous, it is not practical nor is it fair to the restaurant owner, staff and other patrons.
How about pretending to get horrible gas from all the fresh veggies. They sell a fart machine on soimmature.com for $15.75!
You can stop at a fast food place on your way home from said restaurant because you’re still hungry. Maybe she’ll realize that a big salad is not enough.
You can suggest she save those kinds of restaurants to go to with her friends…but then you’d be home watching the kids…but you could order a big pizza…with lots of veggies!
By Linda~ on Apr 7, 2008
I agree that the restaurant owner is impacted by this idea. What about a rubber rat in front of the restaurant that just your wife sees?
By Doc on Apr 7, 2008
Please avoid the Dodo (aka chick food central)at the Gateway. They don’t ask if you want fries with that because they don’t have any on the menu.
A place with no fries is no friend of mine. I asked if I could get fries on the side and was told that they don’t have fries but they could pile on some alfalfa sprouts. My chin still hurts from when it hit the floor.
Bring on the mice… what about rats?–bigger, badder, and grosser.
By karlmalone on Apr 9, 2008