Can Married People Go Out to Eat With Members of Opposite Sex?

Enquiring Minds want to know... we want to know.

Here’s a chance for YOU to give the advice.

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Question:

Is it ever ok for a married person to go out to eat alone with someone of the opposite sex?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

  1. 54 Responses to “Can Married People Go Out to Eat With Members of Opposite Sex?”

  2. My gut reaction is “NO!”. But then I remember that I have actually done that a couple of times in a work environment. But I was uncomfortable the whole time – does that make it OK? And I always made sure to tell hubby about it before or immediately following.
    I do think that those workplace “friendships” can get a little out of hand if you start being more excited to see them than your spouse. So, I guess the answer to “is it EVER ok” is yes. But not very often.

    By Nancy S. on Apr 4, 2008

  3. I sure hope so, considering I’m about to have lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex in two minutes. My husband’s car is broken, so he dropped me off at work…can’t get home for lunch like I normally do, and only one co-worker was free to eat lunch today. I know my husband won’t care at all, because he’d do the same thing in a situation like this. Now, will the co-worker’s wife have a problem? I hope not, but the onus is on my co-worker, not me.

    By Brooke on Apr 4, 2008

  4. I would say it’s okay if it’s in a public place, you didn’t have a history with the person, and your spouse didn’t feel threatened by this person…so, outside of a business lunch, why would you want to?

    Not unless necessary, I say.

    By cory huff on Apr 4, 2008

  5. As a general rule, no. I try never to be alone with anyone of the opposite, except my wife, ever. It’s difficult sometimes to try and find a 3rd person to accompany you to lunch, but it’s better safe than sorry. With the widespread sexual harassment claims that are plaguing the business place, it’s better to avoid the appearance of inappropriate relationships.

    By Vatermann on Apr 4, 2008

  6. If there is full trust in a marriage, this question is not an issue.

    Lunch does not equal cheating – especially phsyically, right there in a crowded or even barely crowded restaurant.

    If someone needs to go to lunch with the opposite sex – to build a relationship with a person other than their spouse, then forget the question about it being ok, switch to the question of “What is wrong at home?”

    By Tom on Apr 4, 2008

  7. This can be dangerous under any circumstance. I would only considetr it if it was a business dealing and then keep it in a very public resturant.

    By Jeff Poplawski on Apr 4, 2008

  8. Is it EVER ok? Yes.

    Is it ALWAYS ok? No.

    Depends on the situation and the relationship with the person in question.

    By wifelikeme on Apr 4, 2008

  9. I’d go out to eat with my grandpa. Haha. But I would feel uncomfortable if my hubby went out toe at with some chick and I know he wouldn’t like it if I did it with some guy.

    By April on Apr 4, 2008

  10. I’ve gone out to eat alone with my son. Does that count?

    Seriously, there are some situations in which it’s appropriate — but the spouse should always know about it. No secrets, that’s the secret.

    By Ginkgo100 on Apr 4, 2008

  11. I am alone with my male coworker in a car for hours throughout the week. Now, let’s mention that that coworker is older than my dad. . . Either way, I think it’s ok. Much like has been said on here, there are times and places that work and others that don’t. In fact, just today my husband and I were both talking to a mutual female friend and she wanted to take me to lunch but I couldn’t go and my husband immediately follows up with, “you can take me!” I would have been absolutely fine with it. Depends on the frequency, the relationship, etc. If the spouses are open and honest with each other, it won’t be an issue.

    By Kelly on Apr 4, 2008

  12. I agree with everyone else…it is ok in certain situations. I have gone out with male coworkers for business lunches. Usually it is to talk about client work or to talk about my reviews. I generally feel kinda weird the whole time, but it isn’t often and there is usually a good reason for it. Generally I like it if there are multiple people there.

    By Michelle on Apr 4, 2008

  13. I have a gay guy friend and, obviously, my husband isn’t threatened by the time we spend together. I also have some straight but androgenous guy friends, and the same goes for them. It’s nice to have someone to go see a movie with when my husband doesn’t like the rating.

    By Bibby on Apr 4, 2008

  14. I think going out for a meal with the opposite sex is perfectly harmless as long as it is perfectly harmless. If that makes sense. Friendship, work….as opposed to more of a “date”.

    By Lightening on Apr 4, 2008

  15. They’re ok as long as you don’t make it look like you’re hiding from your spouse. It’s even better when they know each other, let’s say you work with them or you’ve been friends since last job. The key is letting your spouse know about it. Simple! It really is!

    By Oscar Valdes on Apr 4, 2008

  16. These are really good comments!

    By Jane on Apr 5, 2008

  17. Eating with the opposite sex is fine as long as he lets me know who and why.

    By Dog Lover on Apr 5, 2008

  18. I would say that it is ok, but not in all situations. Me personally, I don’t control my wife. Or rather, I realize that I have no control over my wife, she will do what she will do. If she goes to hang out with her guy friends (eating or otherwise) I’m fine with it. Granted, I know her friends and I trust them… they’re also all in relationships at the moment.

    I have also gone out to eat with female coworkers before and she never had a problem with it. Granted She is friends with my wife and in a relationship as well.

    I think trust goes a long way. We trust each other, so it’s OK. Now if I wanted to out to eat with my ex… she might have something to say about that. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because she doesn’t trust my ex.

    By Nathaniel on Apr 5, 2008

  19. I agree with Tom! Tom said, “If there is full trust in a marriage, this question is not an issue… Lunch does not equal cheating”.

    My god, if i wasn’t “allowed” go out and EAT with anyone i wanted (and vice versa), then i wouldn’t have married that person in the first place. We are not each other’s keepers or parents! I don’t believe in ‘controlling’ other people. I would have married someone to whom this would not be an issue.

    So, in my opinion, of course we can eat with someone of the opposite sex. Life isn’t always about sex. It’s also about friendship & humanity!

    By Amber on Apr 5, 2008

  20. It is just not very wise to do that. One moment it is a simple lunch, and then the person seems to “understand me” better than my spouse. The grass grows more and more green on the other side of the fence. Then doubts arise in the relationship with your spouse, and the door is opened for unfaithfulness.

    My wife trusts me completely, but i do not give her any reason to doubt or distrust me.

    By Fulf on Apr 7, 2008

  21. Good question. I have been taken to lunch by vendors and sometimes realized too late that the vendor was female.

    I think it falls into the “avoid the appearance of evil and indiscretion” and should be avoided. One runs the risk of wrongful accusations of harrassment as well. However, if it happens or can’t be avoided just discuss it with the spouse later.

    By karlmalone on Apr 9, 2008

  22. My husband is in real estate, so he’s always going out to dinner or lunch with clients. He never tells me about it, unless I happen to find a receipt. He also joined a few local meeting groups, like book clubs etc, and didn’t bother to tell me about his either. I found out by accident when I looking in the history for a webpage I had visited a day earlier & came across a webpage for this local meeting group. Curious, I clicked on it and there was his profile. Since then I have found that he has searched on google for info on his ex-girlfriends etc, he obviously didn’t think to clear the browser history. Now, I’m not sure what else he could be hiding. Any advice?

    By Jenna on Apr 21, 2008

  23. @Jenna – Yes! GET OUT!!! I am a very open-minded, case-by-case situation. I am careful not to impose myself or my experiences on others. But let me tell you: Some things just are. Once the secrets start, they NEVER, NEVER, NEVER end. They just don’t. You’ll confront him, he’ll start hiding it. You’ll figure that out, he’ll get better at hiding it. And on and on it goes. He has something within himself that he is searching for, a void that he wants filled. It’s exciting. An excitement that you can never provide. And lying only becomes easier for them. Not to mention they get better at it, too! And, like drug addicts, they’ll lie to anyone to cover it up to keep on with what they’re enjoying. Including pastors they respect very much!

    There are always exceptions to the rule, of course. But I’ve watched this scenario with many men who were otherwise very good, nice and having great hearts, and it hasn’t ended well YET (13 years and counting). Good luck.

    @Amber – It’s true, what you say. We’re not anyone’s keeper or parent. But it’s not about being a keeper or parent. It’s about the accountability you accept when you pledge your life to someone. Telling each other what’s going on, and respecting your spouse’s boundaries if it becomes a problem for them. Keeping the spouse first. Because you’re right about something else, too: It’s about friendship and humanity. And humanity is very flawed. What starts out as an innocent lunch, and then a series of innocent meetings, can somewhere along the line turn into something else entirely. Surely we’ve all experienced or at least heard of the phrase “unintended consequences”…

    By Jeannie on Apr 26, 2008

  24. You don’t put yourself in the position to develop intamacy.Men and women, and in my personal experience,gay men and women, will connect under the right circumstances which can lead to more than just lunch.
    If it’s business, keep it that all the way to sharing the bill.
    If it’s personal, let the other know that they may share this with their partner if asked.
    If you want to keep it personal, then tell your partner,”I have a friend of the opposite sex whom I like to get an objective opinion of from time to time.Would you like to meet him/her?”
    Also, if it’s possible, invite your partner so that the other knows upfront that you’re a couple.This way, you prevent the natural attraction from developing into something that naturally happens when people get heard and find validation.

    By bull on Apr 30, 2008

  25. Tell me if this sounds familiar? My wife dresses like a cupcake to go to a “training session” with what she says are 4 women from her work on Valentine’s Day. She says, as she leaves, that she won’t need a lunch that day since she is going out to eat with the other teachers. When it is one-half hour past quitting time I call her work and am told she is not back yet, though this is quickly corrected by, “Oh, wait, there’s Bob, she’s back.” When quizzed my wife couldn’t give the name of the training session or the facilitator, nor did she have any hand-outs or materials of the type given at such events. She says there was another couple there and she did nothing wrong by lunching with co-workers. That night she told me she “got sick at lunch” and “had to take a nap.” She napped till 9:30 p.m. and then made a rushed frozen shrimp dinner for us. A final clue: when she arrived home I was asleep and she ran into a spare room and cut up some magazine ads to make a “homemade” Valentine’s Day card. She presented it with a $15.00 pen and a $20.00 lighter from the local discount shop, gifts about as personal as a bunion. What do you thin?

    By Roy on May 1, 2008

  26. My wife goes out from time to time for lunch with some people she works with. Usually a mixture of men and women. On occasion it may be just men or sometimes just a single man or single woman. While I am generally comfortable with the group going to lunch when its just her and this one guy I don’t like it. She has never given me any reason to think she would or has cheated on me but in the back of my mind I always wonder. This one guy is divorced and seems to be always on the prowl. Like it or not it is causing tension in our marriage. I don’t want to tell her she can’t have lunch with him anymore but is their friendship worth harming our marriage?

    By Lost in ATL on Sep 23, 2008

  27. I found out my wife had driven my truck to lunch, when I got in passenger seat it was all the way back, I question her about it and got a response of she had to drive for lunch and had a guy in truck, but she wouldn’t give name–I then called her on business trip, was told that she was getting in taxi would call me later, I tried to call several times, then she called, I asked were she had been, was told that she had really been with a male co-worker that’s gay-I asked why she felt that I would have problem with that, she didn’t know
    Another problem, sent wife a recorded message, she left it on while male co-worker in office, my wife was discussing work and not being able to sleep due to stress on job, not much said but I think its weird that a guy would spend that long in managers office (my wife is a manger), but man stayed for at least 15mins then tape ran out
    Question–am I being to nosy, or do I have a right to ask for answers or names
    PS–after years of this I asked for a name of guy she had lunch with, she still couldn’t remember then she said a guys name from work I know from her work and told me a name and I have met him (she said that just to stop me from saying anymore, then 2 weeks ago on business trip she didn’t call me one nite, the next afternoon she called and was back in town, I didn’t ask her about it, but that weekend I asked were she ate and she told me Mexican, I later confronted he again after bring up the no called, she told me ate at steak place, I told her that she told me Mexican, I then proceeded to tell her what she had told me, she said that she ate Mexican, that nite and steak the nite before and would get me expense report
    am I crazy or what, she has never deceived me that I am aware of in 23 years so I want to trust her
    Please Help

    By owens on Nov 14, 2008

  28. Ya’ll are paranoid.

    If you have a good relationship with your spouse, there is no reason a person cannot have lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex.

    Owens, you’re obviously the jealous type, and your wife feels she can’t be truthful with you because of your reaction to a innocent situation. Therefore, you do have something to worry about because you *DON’T* have a good relationship with your spouse.

    My advise to you: Drop it. Leave it alone and stop being suspicious about everything. Stop confronting your wife about every little half truth or conflicting information she gives you.

    And by the way, 15 minutes in the office with your manager is *NOTHING*! It’s called “management”.

    By Dameon on Nov 17, 2008

  29. I’m answering mostly on a working relationship basis . . .

    Even a marriage counselor will advise married couples to not develop friendships at work with someone of the opposite sex. There is really no reason one MUST go to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex. If there is a time when it happens to be a MUST — alcohol should never be involved, and I believe the spouse should be told prior to the lunch/dinner. If it isn’t a secret, there shouldn’t be a problem.

    Again, even a marriage counselor will say –something that starts totally platonic and innocent has the potential to turn into something more. If one person isn’t thinking something, the other person usually is.

    Creating relationships with the opposite sex, especially at work is unwise. You can have a great relationship with your spouse and it can still make them uncomfortable. Especially if kept secret. Be open with your spouse. If open, they will normally not feel threatened by it.

    By Cathain on Mar 21, 2009

  30. I think this is just crazy…..including your comments Cathain. My husband has to go out to lunch/dinner/after work social events frequently with co-worker, vendors & clients. He brings a spare suit to work because this is part of his business and his boss usually notifies him about half an hour before he is required to attend. He goes out frequently and cannot tell me until after he comes home. He works for a 9 billion dollar fortune 500 company and he is expected to take part in these events. We have a very loving and stable relationship with good communication. I would never dream of questioning him of his dealings at work. Work is stressful enough without the added strain at home. People, seriously life is too short enjoy the time you have on this earth with the people you love now.

    By jamie on Nov 18, 2009

  31. This one’s for Jenna- The greatest lies are told in silence. If you start to find things he is doing that make you feel uncomfortable- go with your instincts there is a reason you feel that way. Confront him and discuss how you feel or it will just get worse.

    By runner on Apr 29, 2010

  32. Going out with friends of the opposite sex is okay as long as it is not doen in secret- if so that means the person doing this is uncomfortable with discussing it with their spouse because they either think their spouse will react badly or they have an attraction for the other person and feel guilty and cannot discuss it.

    By runner on Apr 29, 2010

  33. My boss calls and asks my husband permission to take me to lunch maybe twice a year. My husband says okay to avoid looking bad, but then he let’s me know that he is very uncomfortable with it. Then he says go ahead and do what you want but I am not going to handle it well. It’s awkward for us.

    Neither my boss nor I see anything inherently wrong with going to lunch occasionally, in a public place. But I also want to be sensitive to my husband. I end up feeling controlled and not trusted.

    By Lacy on Sep 14, 2011

  34. Jamie, this is not completely crazy. I agree, that yes, married people can sometimes have lunc with the opposite sex. But it should be open and transparent. And understand something, just because something works for you, doesn’t mean it works for everybody else. Glad you don’t have a problem with what your husband does. I’m sure he’s a swell, honest and open guy. But in reality, things have happened because of an “everything is okay” policy in marriage. What would you say if your husband had lunch twice a week alone with the same woman who was attractive and single. Would you mind then? What if it were dinner with a single attractive woman, a dinner that included wine in a romantic restaurant. I guess that wouldn’t matter either. Believe it or not, your husband is not incapable of finding another woman atrractive and acting on it. All relationship require some boundaries.

    By James on Oct 15, 2011

  35. I need opinion w my case… I was bout to go to work and my husband approach me and told me not to pack him lunch . I ask him why? And his response is my coworker ask me wat place in town that makes good burrito . So im taking my coworker to this place el sombrero. So i ask him let me guest is this coworker a womem? It took him 5 sec to answer yes. My husband knows i wouldnt agree . I am an asian and he knew i am not comfortable if he goes out lunch w female coworker. And wat makes me really upset y would he makes plan taking her out w out asking me first if it is ok. Amd y he couldnt say female coworker?

    By Hailie on Oct 16, 2011

  36. My husband did this the first week on the Friday of his new job in the new city we moved to three weeks after we married. They just went to a fast food place. He wasn’t even required to be at work and the lunch was unnecessary. They are in training together It is his first professional job so he is not familiar with etiquette rules. He told me when he got home. I don’t want to be one of those controlling wives but I can’t help feeling humiliated and hurt. I am worried his coworkers won’t have respect for our marriage when I meet them now. The newlywed feeling was instantly gone. I feel like if I don’t discuss it with him that empty feeling will just get worse. How should I approach the discussion or should I let it go for now?

    By Melissa on Apr 2, 2012

  37. I just went through this and the funny thing is my husband put this question out on google and found your site. This is what happened. He went out for breakfast with an ex co worker. He ran into her and she asked him to join her while she waited for traffic to die down. He did so innocently and without ulterior motives (he swears). When I got home that afternoon, we talked and I even asked what he did all day. He left out his meeting with her and I found out when I picked up his cell phone and found the details of where to meet. I had to confront him the next morning and I was furious. As innocent as the meeting would have been, as his wife, I have a right to know and he a responsibility to tell me. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a “ball and chain”; each member is free to walk away after asking for a divorce. But honesty is the only glue that can truly hold a couple together. All the love in the world will not give you the strength to endure doubt. My anger was based on the fact that he was not open with me. He thought I was over reacting and seeing things that just were not there. And we did not get to a working point until he was able to read the comments posted on this site. Having lunch is an innocent encounter but when it is not communicated, so many questions can enter a wife’s mind. I surely had plenty that I threw at him. Anyone who thinks that it is perfectly ok, at any time, and under any circumstances has an “open marriage.” Something I find completely contradictory to what I signed up.

    By Hope on Apr 25, 2012

  38. Everyone is correct but it depends on how the situation plays out. I just joined this organization and I like to mingle with people of all race, creed, color and age. I have gone out to public lunch with gay guys, straight guys, married ladies and single ladies, sometimes in groups and sometime the entire organization will go as well.

    Something happened yesterday. The organization organized that we all go to a game so I went with a male friend and on getting to the game I met a female colleague that I have know since I joined this organization. I spoke with her in the presence of my male colleague and today I sent her an email that we should go out to lunch and she replied she had a scheduled lunch with her fiance who’s birthday is today. So I replied by saying “best wishes to your fiance on his birthday” and also said it is her turn to ask me out to lunch whenever she feels like. The next thing I got was a manager through chat informed me I should be very careful and that she had seen people get into trouble for much less. I was appalled and very disappointed.

    I am from another country and I never thought this was a “corporate sin” in America but now I know and will be very very careful. Please men out there, be very very careful because you are always at the receiving end even if you don’t have any ulterior motive.

    Thanks for this highly educative topic, I have been enlightened!

    By Sexypast on May 3, 2012

  39. Sexypast- that was your female coworkers way of nicely letting you know she does not feel comfortable or have lunch with you one on one. In the US if a woman has an excuse and does not say she will reschedule at a later dat it means “no thank you.”

    By Stephanie on May 12, 2012

  40. I Googled this question and found this thread. My husband travels a lot, with female co-workers. He has in the past been unfaithful to me. I am so uncomfortable when he travels with these women (he has had no relationships with either of them). I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable, but he says its work. They stay out late, drink wine and talk. He tells me they are catching up on their day. I would rather he not go out with them. How do I deal with this? How do I make him understand that it is inappropriate for him to be out with other women – at night, alone, drinking, away from me. :(

    By Kimberly on Jun 4, 2012

  41. My husband does not travel, but is a teacher who works with mostly young female, unmarried women. He announced last week that he is going out next Friday evening for dinner/drinks with them. He did not invite me, and expects me, I guess, to stay at home with the kids. He also implied that this would not be a one-time event. I told him I was not happy about this plan, but he didn’t seem overly concerned about my feelings. Am I paranoid? Hell, yes! Do I trust him? Hell, no! Whether or not he would do something inappropriate or not, I don’t feel that it’s respectful to go out in the evening with coworkers of the opposite sex when it’s not work-related and leave your spouse at home. Why is this necessary? I have a good job, and work with both men and women, but never considered doing anything like this, frankly.

    By JALA on Jun 4, 2012

  42. My wife is working on the other side of the country for 3 months. We’ve been married for almost 7 years and this is the first business trip for her since the marriage. She called me one Saturday to tell me that after a bbq lunch, her and a male coworker “are going bar hopping” and that “his wife just left the day before”, to assure me that he’s married, so no worries. I didn’t tell her no, but told her I felt jealous. She went and then called me afterwards. After she went back to the hotel, he went back out and was lifting another woman’s skirt on the dance floor. So obviously not the great guy she assured me he was. Then a couple months later she calls me to tell me she’s going out to dinner with a different man and wants him to drive so that she can have a couple drinks with her dinner. Then the next night, she was out to dinner with a group and was going to go to a local porn/adult toy shop with one male coworker “to buy a blow up doll as a prank for another coworker”. She’s also planning to change positions to one where she will be out of town often with this same group. I’m glad she’s telling me instead of keeping it all secret, but I can’t understand how she thinks this is all ok behavior. And now she drinks almost every night. I feel very uneasy about all this and feel that she wants to live like a single person again. I have wondered if she’s fooling around out there as at least a few of the men have been. I may have to give her an ultimatum when she gets home, either our marriage or this new lifestyle. What is wrong with people these days?

    By Greg on Jun 14, 2012

  43. My husband just returned from an out of town conference that he attended with another woman from our community. He did not know her prior to this conference. He texted her to go for lunch the other day. He claims it was to discuss the conference. I trust my husband and he has gone out for lunches with friends/ coworkers before. For some reason this is not sitting well with me.. He also mentioned that she confided in him that she is having marital issues….any advice?

    By Lisa on Jun 26, 2012

  44. Marriage can seem like a trap to men, who find that all they really have to look forward to is to watch their wife grow old.

    Hence going to lunch with an unattached female seems liberating and frees them from the cage they feel trapped in.

    By JK on Jul 3, 2012

  45. i recentlly found out that my wife has been going to lunch with an ex co-worker about once a month for the past year. I found out on her calender on her cell phone…”lunch with chris”…..I went balistic, still to this day she can not tell me what they talk / talked about…..Mind you, are relationship has been going down hill during this time of me not knowing….she now tells me im not doing things right in the bedroom. Woman should just be honest in the relationship, expecually when they have a devoted husband…..learn how to speak to your men, we do know how to listen…..and to all us dumb ass men, learn how to treat your woman!…..at this point i dont know what has or still is happening behind my back, but that is none of my concern, my focus is to be the best man for her as i can, if that is not enough, then i guess i will have to treat her the way that i get treated.

    By robert on Jul 5, 2012

  46. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 13 years. Last year, a female receptionist joined my husbands work – and this is where the problems began. Through the past year, she has tugged on the front on my husbands shirt to pull him closer to her, asked him to move furniture for her (and on the trip, put her hand on his upper thigh for at least 5 seconds), and touched him on the arm repeatedly over this time and I have noticed that my husband was becoming increasing ‘cold’ towards me. Obviously, the source of information is coming from my husband, but each time he has told me, I have informed him that this is not okay, and questioned him on why he has not thwart the clear advances of this single woman. He replies by saying that she is just “touchy-feely” and that they are just friends. Three weeks ago, my husband said that he wanted to go out with a few colleagues from work – which I did not have a problem with – and told him that it was fine, despite knowing that the woman would clearly be attending. Then, one night before the night out, I was feeling uneasy, and probed as to who was attending. When he said that she would be going, and no one else, I told him that it was unacceptable and it was a “date” in my eyes. He then said that he was sure that another male coworker was attending. This made me feel better, but not completely at ease. The night out came, and he called at 1:30am to be picked up. Then the next week, after a conversation with my father-in-law, he indicated that the situation (with the night out) was not all that it appeared to be – and would not elaborate. When I confronted my husband, he told me that it was just him and the woman who went out for dinner and dancing, and that it had been planned that way all along. He insisted that they are just ‘friends’, however, I felt completely disrespected, and packed my bags and left the next day. A few days later, he called and asked me out for dinner and a movie, which I accepted, but had reservations about. I met him at our home, and we talked – and he apologised to me. So I moved back in, and we have continued to talk about this issue. The one glaring thing that keeps coming up is that the ‘apology’ was for him lying about going out with her – not for anything else. Not for him actually leaving me at home (with NO children) by myself, and having a night out with her. At this point, I am not sure what to make of it, and feel like I have been totally disrespected by his actions. I wonder if he will change – maybe I know the answer already. Any advice would be welcomed.

    By Michelle on Jul 26, 2012

  47. I have to do client development for work. I go out for coffee, lunch and drinks all the time with single and married women – often alone. It’s called building relationships. I have no interesting in sleeping with any of them but in my line of work, if I never go out with them, I never likely land the account.

    That said – my wife knows who i am going out with as my calendars and hers are linked. There is no lunch with MRS and her now knowing.

    Secrecy is where you get in trouble.

    By tim on Jul 31, 2012

  48. @ Jamie (18th November 2009) If your husband works for a 9 billion dollar fortune 500 hundred company, then those “events” you talk about, I can guarantee will involved your husband away out in the middle of the woods at a place called Bohemian Grove, getting piped from folk like David Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger in gay sex orgies. Sorry to break the news to you.

    By Kenny on Aug 2, 2012

  49. To Lisa and Michelle above, I would like to recommend the book “Not Just Friends”. There really isn’t too much grey area when it comes to “Date” like outings involving your significant other and not involving you. I have to question why someone would feel it’s necessary to go out with someone of the opposite sex when there is no business reason for it. If it’s companionship, it’s just asking for trouble in my opinion. I myself have seen too many affairs happen that start out as “friends”. My sister did this, various acquaintances have done this too, with affairs being the result. Honestly, I think people who feel they need to do this are testing the waters of having an affair if they feel the need to do this is worth the risk of ruining a marriage.

    By jim on Aug 13, 2012

  50. I am a single woman who has formed a friendship with a married co-worker. We have long 2 HR lunches once a week and though we discuss business we discuss a lot of personal stuff too like his family and my family. He’s told me he’s happily married but I’m picking up vibes that he’s attracted to me. We’ve hugged but nothing else. He’s also told me he feels a connection to me and is intrigued by me. Should I continue this “friendship” as he and I have both deemed it or do I need to put on the breaks? I too am attracted to him.

    By Sur on Aug 14, 2012

  51. To all you troublemakers out there.
    You must have such low regard for yourselves and lack of respect others.
    To get involved in someone’s marriage is a low act.
    You don’t have to eat lunch with your fellow worker. That’s not in the job description.
    JUST SAY “NO”
    You are worth more than a cheap fling.
    Or maybe your Ego needs stroking because you are ugly on the inside and you lap up the attention, like a Dog returning to his vomit.
    If you are easy to get then remember you are easy to forget.
    I think some people just like playing games and seeing if they can pull down a person in a power, to bring them down to their own gutter level.
    It’s a boost to their sick ego.
    Is nothing sacred these days?
    I think people should mind their own business and get a life instead of having an affair and involving themselves in places they have no right to.
    Learn boundaries.
    On that note, if your marriage is unhappy, then be a man/ woman of integrity and leave rather than have a bit on the side.
    Cowards are cheaters.
    Remember what goes around comes around and one day when your marriage is all cosy and rosy, then karma will come and teach you the pain that you inflicted on others.
    Don’t be a fool. Karma will destroy your marriage, just like you destroyed someone else’s.
    Some people must be so ugly inside that they can’t get a single partner so they leech onto a unhappily married partner that will never leave his wife.
    Don’t fool yourself, a relationship that starts in the bedroom will never last.
    Just think about that.
    I’d rather eat my lunch alone with integrity than dine with cowards.
    Why cast your Pearls before The Swine?

    By Genevivie on Aug 15, 2012

  52. Would it be ok for a man to spend the day with his brothers wife? My boyfriend thinks it is fine but it hurts me. I don’t know why he would want to since he never spends the day with me. What do you think?

    By Karen on Sep 7, 2012

  53. I have read all of the posts above and have a few comments. To all of those people saying it is nothing to go out with the opposite sex without one’s spouse because it depends on the situation, I think mixed groups are safer and you should not get into personal or intimate topics should the business require it such as in sales. Take the spouse whenever possible. Those who do frequently go out with the opposite gender are in more peril of jeopardizing their relationships. Look at the statistics of divorce and affairs. You cannot start an affair if you are physically not available. People are always going to spin what they do or want to do with how it is fine/normal to go out with those of the opposite sex. They also try to make their partners feel like they are the suspicious one or too clingy, or crazy, etc. When a couple is in love in the throes of that first passion, being ‘too clingy’ never seems to come up. If you are attracted to a married person, do not go to lunch or anything with them alone. There are always going to be vulnerable times with married couples. Many dynamics such as children, illness, hormones, etc. can make them have a time of trial. This does not mean that the marriage is bad, but it does mean that it is a difficult time for that couple and others outside may catch them at a weak moment. Be an honorable people in your comportment and you will get your truer heart’s desire.

    By Kathryn Paine on Nov 30, 2012

  54. To “Sur” above: The answer is simple. Ask yourself if you had a husband and he was pondering the same question as you, would it not devastate you if he had an affair? Would you not feel totally betrayed? There’s that old saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. I realize we’re now living in a world where this concept is considered old in favor of the enlightened age of selfishness, but maybe that’s why our society is in such a mess with broken families, young people murdering each other, etc. You think???

    By Don on Dec 31, 2012

  55. Here’s my take on this, and remember, this is just my opinion, but…

    By this line of reasoning – that one shouldn’t go out for lunch with someone they might potentially become attracted to – where does a bisexual fit in? Do you mean to tell me that if, whether male or female, a bisexual spouse should be forbidden from having any friends AT ALL? Good grief.

    And just to bring attention to another “theme” I noticed was prevalent in many of the responses here: Why are those members of society for whom excitement and passion is crucial to their well-being and happiness vilified? Just because most people are thrilled when a relationship gets to the point where you can just let yourself go and be “comfortable” doesn’t mean it’s exciting for others.

    For some people, the idea of reaching a “comfortable” plateau in a romantic relationship is debilitating. They can feel like their life is over, like they’re just sitting around waiting to die. And yet – whether because of religious or societal pressure from those folks that like the feeling of being settled & secure – they feel like they have to stay in these long-term relationships.

    So they ask their spouse or long-term bf or gf to spice things up, but because their significant other is perfectly happy with stability, there’s no impetus for change. Or if the “stability-loving” partner does try to spice things up, it just comes off as fake and disingenuous to the passionate partner. So there sits the passionate partner, miserable and desperate for excitement and adventure in a life that is all too short while the stable partner is in heaven.

    But I guess the passionate partner just needs to “get over it” is that it? Or else they need to just leave?

    Sure, I agree they should leave once they realize they aren’t best suited for a long-term relationship (though they’ll probably feel they ARE suited to a long-term relationship and that they just need a fellow passion-loving partner) but with the whole of society and family members and god almighty himself saying it is wrong of them to want what they want, to need what they need (which is probably a series of shorter-term relationships – NOT one-night-stands – that burn hot but go out rather quickly) it makes it kind of difficult to just follow their heart, you know?

    All human beings crave acceptance from others. Folks like the ones I’m describing are no different. It’s just that (and again, this is my opinion) they most likely knew, as a young person, that they really did not want to settle down, that they rather liked the idea of playing the field (and no, that does not automatically mean they are assoholic, selfish jerks – I truly believe you can be a kind and decent person and be a bit promiscuous as well; it’s called being open and upfront with people about what you want, and if they get in over their heads, knowing that you only want a short-term fling, then it’s on them if they get their heart broken) but when parents and society (which for a teenager is pretty much their peers) are quick to label them “slut” or “man-whore” or other such shaming techniques, it’s no wonder they go ’round trying to wear the LTR mask.

    Be more accepting of different lifestyle choices and maybe this type of shit would stop happening. Until then…

    By Dani on Apr 10, 2013

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