WifeAdvice.com

Here’s where we answer our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if our suggestions don’t work for you; you’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

Final Four Straw

Dear Donkey and Wife: As all males on the planet know, March Madness has begun. This means an entire month of watching my husband atrophy on the couch. He may end up like that lady who was stuck to the toilet because her skin grew around it. Anyway, during this time of year my husband ignores everything else that is happening in life: school work is neglected, work is forgotten, household chores are ignored, and worst of all the wife becomes invisible. All of our conversations occur around the TV; his eyes never leave the game, and he becomes a master of repeating back the last line and adding, “See, I heard you.” But he’s not really listening. What can I do? Spring has sprung, and I feel like we are both chained to the TV. - Maddened by March

He Says: Your unconscious has already given you the answer

As I let your question meander through the empty space in my head, all sorts of answers for you emerged: gnaw through the cable, break the Tivo remote, see if you can get away with serving dog food, or maybe spike his soda with a laxative. But I reread your question and I believe that you have already stated the answer you need; you just didn’t recognize it. I didn’t either at first. Do you see it now? Ok, let me point out the critical phrase: “the wife becomes invisible.” Are you kidding me? What an idea. Just leave–for an entire month. Don’t even say anything. How many husbands wouldn’t love it if roles were reversed and there was some television show that would keep their wives occupied for an entire month? (Actually, I think there are some movies based on novels by a lady named Jane Austen. Ever heard of her?) As long as you don’t have kids, the only filth accumulating in your house during the next month will come from your husband. He can fend for himself, so you are better off going on a nice trip. You will be living the dream! You can truly become invisible and your spouse won’t even notice.

She Says

Wow. Amazingly, in this particular case of wife mistreatment I cannot claim to completely relate; I can’t say that The Donkey will be super-glued to the television for the remainder of this month, although I’m sure I’ll hear more than I want to about “crucial” bracket-contests whose “vital” results have no bearing on the actual world, and whose only prize is a trophy made out of a plunger. No, basketball isn’t the bane of my existence, but baseball is right up there. Have I mentioned that we are taking a trip to the East Coast next month, making stops in D.C., New York City, and Boston? Imagine all the sites we could see–the history, the culture, the plays… Then stop imagining that and instead imagine me “enjoying” a different baseball game from a different stadium on virtually every night of the trip. But never fear, we did manage to get back-row balcony tickets to one matinee showing on Broadway (of course we couldn’t dip into the baseball ticket budget to upgrade to the front of the balcony). As you can see, this year I am taking the approach of “if you can’t beat them join them” in the sporting world.

You don’t have to become completely immersed in sports to make this work. Normally to integrate myself into this world, I simply go about my business and attempt to strategically overhear parts of the sportscasting that will help me more effectively communicate with my husband. Here are a few examples of sports-minded phrases a wife can use to get through to her husband:

• Honey, while I’m out my friend Susan is going to drop by to pick up a book I borrowed. Keep your head in the game, and remember: when someone like Linda Cohn shows up at the front door, pass her this “playbook” and tell her “good game.”
• Would you rather have chicken or steak tonight, Dear? The steak does have the higher 5-ranking, but #12-Chicken may just pull out the upset tonight? What’s your pick?
• Listen, I’m really concerned about Johnnie’s eyesight; it seems to be affecting his schoolwork. We better hurry and get him to the doctor before he ends up like that guy on SportsCenter–what is the deal with that guy’s eyes anyway?!
• Sweetheart, we really need to hurry and get our taxes filed. Right now there are quite a few companies who still have time to take on our account–here’s a list of the Sweet 16. But if we don’t pick a firm in the next few days, we’ll be stuck with the Elite 8, or then the Final 4. And if it comes down to the Finals, the last Two won’t even consider working for us unless we can predict our Adjusted Gross Income within 2 points.

When all else fails, sing an ESPN theme song, or recreate the chime noise that indicates the sports-ticker is going to start scrolling at the bottom of the screen. That should grab his attention just long enough for you to announce that he’s going to bed alone tonight.

What are your secrets for making marriage survive the sports seasons?