Making Marriage Work: Interview with Dr. William J. Doherty
It’s no secret that I need all the marriage advice I can get. I already get plenty of advice from my wife, and even some here in the comments section. But recently I was privileged to get some personalized advice from an expert, Dr. William J. Doherty–a Marriage and Family counselor, and a Licensed Psychologist. He is the author of Take Back Your Marriage and quite a few other marriage and parenting books. He and his work have been covered by major television networks and print publications, so I was happy that he was willing to take a few minutes to be interviewed by a donkey.
The Donkey: What are the most interesting trends in marriage you have observed in your research over the years?
Dr. Doherty:
- The increase in cohabitation leading up to marriage has transformed the transition to marriage, for good and ill. Good because people know each other better, but ill if they slide into marriage without a clear commitment decision.
- The disconnect between marriage and parenthood in low income communities–a devastating trend for children who never live in a married, two parent family, and lost contact with their fathers.
- A trend towards “lighter” reasons to divorce (communication problems, not feeling in love, etc.) as opposed to “heavier” reasons such as infidelity, violence, and alcoholism.
The Donkey: Some married couples feel bad about making time for dating and weekend getaways once they have children. We know you are a proponent for post-children dating. What suggestions do you have for people who seem unable to justify time away from their kids?
Dr. Doherty: They can tell themselves that the survival and health of their marriage is terrifically important for their children. The gravest threat to their children’s future is not parental neglect but divorce. Plus it’s good for children to see their parents working on their marriage–and work requires time together.
The Donkey: Successful marriages require effort, and in your work you mention that one spouse may carry the majority of the marriage load. What can that spouse do to even the workload?
Dr. Doherty: They can’t do anything directly to make their spouse do more. But they can talk about more sharing (forget the 50-50 thing, though), and be specific about what we feel more balanced. It’s important to bring this up at good, calm times–not when they are angry about something. And it’s a good idea to look at what the partner is already doing that in his/her mind is contributing to the marriage.
The Donkey: The institution of marriage has been losing its footing for some time now. How is this disintegration affecting society?
Dr. Doherty: It’s hurting our children by making them more insecure and dampening their chances for successful adulthood. This is especially true in low income communities where most parents either never marry or do not marry the other parent of the child. The other effect is that adults become more self-oriented after divorce at a time when their children and the community are expecting them to be contributing citizens.
The Donkey: What projects are you currently working on?
Dr. Doherty:
Marriage Friendly Counseling: A registry of pro-commitment marriage therapists
The First Dance: A premarital counseling service focusing on the couple and family dynamics of wedding planning
The Family Formation Project: Learning how to help unmarried new parents to form stable families and healthy marriages.
The Donkey: Sometimes my wife will ask me, “Why do you love me?” I feel like I have answered this question many times, but apparently I haven’t. What should I do?
Dr. Doherty: Your own advice is good–be more proactive in saying “I love you.” Women ask these questions when they are feeling insecure; it’s not about the content of what you say as much as how you respond emotionally. If she asks one of these self-doubting questions, I would take her in your arms and tell you love her and married her because she is a beautiful and wonderful woman. If she asks for a more specific reason, give her a new playful one each time–such as you like her ears! Then playfully refuse to elaborate–just repeat it until she laughs and stops asking. At a calm moment sometime, you might ask your wife what’s going on for her when she asks your these kinds of questions. Your goal would be understanding her, not changing her.
The Donkey: What should I do if my wife asks me to rate her looks from 1-10?
Dr. Doherty: It’s simple: say that she’s a 10 to you–always has been. And never change your tune.
The Donkey: Yeah, I definitely could have used your advice a few years ago…
We’d like to thank Dr. Doherty for his time and great advice! For more information, see Dr. Doherty’s website.
4 Responses to “Making Marriage Work: Interview with Dr. William J. Doherty”
Wow, that was a great post! Thanks for doing the interview, Donkey!
By Matthew on Feb 29, 2008
Excellent interview, I am a little concerned that perhaps he didn’t realize he was dealing with an expert as well.
By phillyz on Mar 3, 2008
My husband says that I do not have the right to ask him whom he is texting, emailing or im’ing. He can ask me, but I cannot ask him. Now he is threatening to leave me for good. He cheated on me, and is continously dealing with single females.
By Sandy on Apr 8, 2008
His theory of CONSUMER MARRIAGES is the most realistic, eye opening information on todays societal threats to marriage that I have ever read. And I have been reading A TON lately. He is easy to understand, EMPATHETIC, and really has his finger on the pulse of todays problems.
By nick on May 8, 2008