Husband Hopeless at Gift-Giving? Tell Him What You Want
Surprise, Surprise
Thanks to everyone for participating in our First Annual Valentine’s Day Giveaway! We’ve had such a fun time reading your wishlists, poetry, advice, movie recommendations, and Valentine’s Day posts. We hope you all had a great Valentine’s Day.
When we were newlyweds, and our first February rolled around, I remember The Donkey asking me something to the effect of, “So, am I supposed to do something for you for Valentine’s Day or something?” I said that it would probably be a good idea, and he went on to ask me what he should do.
“You’re not supposed to ask me what to do–you’re just supposed to do something.”
“But I don’t know what you want.”
“Well, you’re supposed to figure something out. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation; we’re not supposed to talk about it at all, it’s just supposed to happen, and it’s all supposed to be a surprise.”
We continued to have some version of this conversation every Valentine’s Day (plus birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas) for the next few years. He would bring up the holiday, asking “so, what am I supposed to do for you?” and I would give him a lecture about surprises. After all, I always saw my parents planning little surprises for each other–that’s just how it was supposed to work.
Well, it took a few years of disappointing holidays for me to realize that there was something wrong–not with him, but with my approach to it all. Sure, some husbands have a knack for romance and surprises. Well, my husband doesn’t happen to be very gifted in that area; then why in the world would I not want him to come to me and ask me what I want?! It was such an epiphany–I could actually spend a holiday exactly the way I imagined, get the gift I was hoping for, and even get a little love letter–and all I had to do was answer the simple question, “What do you want?”
11 Responses to “Husband Hopeless at Gift-Giving? Tell Him What You Want”
I found your site through ProBlogger. The make over is brilliant! The layout is visually appealing and the content is great! Let’s just say “I get it”.
This is one of the most creative sites I’ve seen! I try to keep my family blog humorous, but I’ve never thought to build a theme around it. You’ve given me much to think about! Thank you.
By Jim O'Donnell on Feb 15, 2008
I have to agree. I love the makeover.
On the topic… I have to say that hubby and I went through the same thing. I kept saying, “This is what I want, but I want it to be a surprise.” Which, is of course, impossible.
So, I drop hints. This year, I posted something on my blog about what I wanted from the ‘valentine’s fairy’. And I took the kids to the store where the thing I wanted was being sold, showed it to them, and told them to tell dad about it, but not when I was in the room.
“Why?” my 9 year old son asked.
“Because I love surprises. I want Daddy to surprise me with it. I don’t like knowing what I’m going to get. That’s no different than just going out and getting it myself.” (My son was quiet after that. Will his future wife thank me?)
So, it worked. I got what I wanted, and my hubby thinks he surprised me.
And I felt like he did too, because I never really knew if he’d get it.
Then, he came home and “surprised” us with the intention of making a big V-day dinner for us. Well, we had none of the ingredients, it was already 6, and we were starving. We would have to wait at least an hour and half, maybe two, before dinner. I suggested we go out to a the pasta joint, he jumped up enthusiastically and we went. So, there is some value to asking for what we want
Oh, BTW, my hubby still waits until the very last minute to get gifts for Bdays and V-day and such, but he IS starting to ask a few days ahead of time what we’re doing on the weekend. So there’s been progress. I think he’s learned, that if he doesn’t ask, I fill it with my stuff… if he wants to do his stuff, he’s gotta get in the schedule before I do.
Happy V-day and grats on your new blog look.
By TammyT on Feb 15, 2008
Your site looks brilliant. Yes, I came here from a link in Problogger.
I’m going to add you to my feedreader in just a moment. 
Totally agree with what you’ve said. It took me a while to figure this out as well - that I need to tell my husband what I want. And that telling him doesn’t mean that he loves me any less. It’s just what he needs. Now after a few years of giving him ideas etc he’s getting better and better at doing the gift buying on his own.
By Lightening on Feb 15, 2008
I love your site makeover! It’s great and your posts are compelling (which, I guess is why I’m commenting) It’s fun to listen (or read) female advice and, though I’m not married, my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and I hate to sound like a complete “bossy-boots”, but I just tell him what I want when it gets around that time. That way, he doesn’t have to ask and if I get enough options, I’ll be surprised.
By Julia on Feb 15, 2008
I had been looking in to your site since it was first featured in Problogger. Your redesign is quite good and hope it does better for your site.
Good luck.
By Sangesh on Feb 15, 2008
Hi there - I loved your post on your site revamp on problogger. What you have here in your content and theme is so unique.
I totally agree on the gifts issue - it is far easier just to say what you want. I personally hate shopping to begin with, so knowing what gift my husband wants really does save a lot of hassle.
By CatherineL on Feb 16, 2008
Well, what advice do you have for the husband who IGNORES your gift suggestions and buys something else? He asks for a list then doesn’t use it. For Christmas, I asked for an umbrella, perfume or a necklace and even gave him links in Amazon. He bought me a deep fat fryer instead. After I’ve been telling him that I’m going to start cooking healthier for the family. He says it’s the best present HE ever received.
For Valentine’s, I mentioned that I wanted a camera. He went to the camera store and came home with a digital photo frame which I will never use. I smile and thank him but inside I’m thinking, “What IS it with you and gifts?!”
I know he’s clueless, he admits it! So why does he ask for a list if he’s going to ignore it? And just asking him leads to an argument. He’s “Mr. Sensitive” and thinks anytime I suggest something it’s criticizing his entire life.
Advice?
By Francie on Feb 16, 2008
Hey, great site! Makes me want to get a redesign of my own!
So let me weigh-in on this, because I DO tell my husband what to get me and often times he’s just clueless or not listening. Here’s a tweak:
1) Get a friend involved. Me and hubby have a couple that we (all of us together) are good buddies with. The two of us females have made a pact to keep the men clued-in on date nights and gifts. This is done simply by email — both of our husbands are tech guys and cannot really be reached otherwise. Example: “Hey, Alex… Frances mentioned she REALLY wanted to see Spamalot … just FYI… oh and there’s a great new restaurant open near the Strand…” etc.
Sometimes we girls consult on them, sometimes we just surprise each other with date-nudge that is unexpected!
2) Even if you TELL the husband you have to assume he is paying attention and that he remembers, etc. Amazon Wish Lists (supply him with a link!) are good things… make the list LONG enough so that even you might be surprised by what he chooses from it.
Cheers!
Elizabeth
By Elizabeth on Feb 17, 2008
We are totally married to the same guy…that’s scary…
What I do - after several years of disappointing holidays - is just flat out tell him. But I only tell him *once* and then I can pretend to be surprised when he actually follows through. Luckily for me, he listens the first time.
By Jessica G. on Feb 21, 2008
Please, let me introduce you to my wife. She really could use your V.Day advice. She insists that I surprize her and isn’t surprized that I don’t do what she wanted. I have to give her three choices now and ask that she put them in order. Honestly, still doesn’t work. But thanks for letting me vent.
This is the first time in my life that I have blogged.
Jon - February 21, 2008
By Jon Holmquist on Feb 21, 2008
Women who want surprises are confused about semantics. I don’t think they want to be surprised at all, but they do want men to give them what they really want without them asking for it. I am sorry, that is not what a surprise is, that is called ESP. They love it when you have ESP and loathe it when you don’t.
Just look at these posts and I am proven right. In the post above the gal gave her husband a list and then he gave her a fat fryer. Now that was a surprise I am sure, but it didn’t go down well.
Take the guesswork out. Give him your list and then be surprised when he follows through.
By karlmalone on Feb 22, 2008