WifeAdvice.com

Lesson 18: Forbidden Fruit

I love playing party games (Catch Phrase, Scattergories, Mafia, etc). Several years ago, before I was married, I was playing a game with a group of friends. I was “it” and the game went like this:

• I secretly selected someone from the group
• Other members would ask, “If this person was a dog, what kind of dog would he/she be?” Or “If this person was a piece of sports equipment, what would he/she be?”
• I would then answer the question
• The group would guess who I was talking about

I selected a rather large Jamaican woman and someone in the group said, “If this person was a car, what car would they be?” I had never played the game and didn’t realize you could answer while maintaining some sense of dignity, so I blurted out, “A hearse.” The crowd went wild and I received several blows to the head from my Jamaican friend. You would think that this experience would be enough for me to refrain from describing females based on cars, animals, and sports equipment … but it was not.

Lesson 18: Don’t answer the question, “What does your wife look like?” with a piece of fruit.

I once went to buy my wife a dress and was asked what her dress size was. I had no idea, so the sales girl asked me what shape my wife was. I had no idea how to answer, but then suddenly I remembered I had once heard someone describe a woman’s body as pear shaped.

“A pear,” I answered. “She is pear shaped.” After my response, I cleverly smiled as I reflected on the fact that I knew how to describe a woman’s body. The woman looked at me confused and brought over some dresses. What was the problem? Should I have chosen another fruit? Apple? Watermelon? Banana? The sales girl explained that women don’t want to be described as pear shaped. “Then why do people do it? I know I have heard women describe other women as pear shaped. Obviously you knew what I meant because you brought over some clothes.” (Really, it wasn’t as rude as it sounds–we were actually laughing because I was genuinely confused and she was genuinely shocked.)

I came home and told my wife what happened and she confirmed that women do not like being referred to as pear shaped.

My suggestion: Drop the fruit metaphor. I can’t think of any fruit that can describe a woman’s body without being offensive in some way. Stick with dogs – just be sure to pick a kind that your wife likes!

photo credit: S Baker