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My wife is at the movies with her friends, so I decided to take a minute and tell a story from yesterday. I’m sure I will be in trouble for this, but it was just too funny.

Yesterday my brothers and I met up to play games and eat a bunch of junk food. Every other week for the past few months we have been meeting to do this, but my brother’s wife is going on maternity leave this week and is putting a stop to the gaming we have been enjoying.

We had just finished our appetizers and our second game of Settlers of Catan when my brother got a phone call from my wife. She was distraught and asked to speak to me. I answered and listened as she told me that she heard some loud noises from downstairs. (At this point it was about midnight.) I asked if she checked to see if anyone was there. She said she hadn’t, but it scared her so much that she woke up our neighbor and made him come over to look around. He came with a bat and they searched the house and found nothing. She thanked him and he left.

“Great,” I said. “Looks like you can go to bed now.” She started bawling telling me that she needed me home right away. “Why? You checked the house right?” She said she didn’t care and that she was shaking from the fright. I also began to shake as I realized my night of games was cut short.

I got in the car and she made me talk to her all the way home. Once at home, she requested that I re-check the entire house because the perpetrator could have been on the second floor as she walked down to the first floor from the third floor. “Maybe he ran up to the third floor after I passed him on my way to the first floor,” she explained.

“Maybe he disapparated from the second floor and went to haunt someone else,” I responded.

My tactics didn’t work, and I was forced to check every room, closet, and even the cupboard that holds our cups. “If there is someone that can fit in that cupboard, then I’m not worried about it,” I said. “He can gnaw on my toes while I am sleeping. I’ll roll over and squish him in my sleep.”

After sweeping the house, I was brought to each closet she hid in and listened as she recounted what she was thinking and how she cried because she was scared. She also showed me how she planned on jumping around a corner with a sword I own in case someone came upstairs. When we finally went to bed, she asked me to hold her tight while we slept, but I was too tired after an exhausting drive and a long story. Luckily I fell asleep quickly.

I guess this was a terrible ordeal for my wife, but there is a ray of sunshine: I’m going to have a lot of fun with a prank I’m thinking up. I just need a couple of volunteers.

-Oh, and I think I figured out what caused the noises. I went to the kitchen this morning and saw an enormous mound of dirty dishes, some of which were toppled over.