What to Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Lose the Baby Weight
Here’s where we answer our our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if the suggestions don’t work for you. You’re the one taking advice from a donkey.
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Dear Donkey and Wife
What should you do if your wife wants to keep a few extra pounds on? I’ve done a good job of convincing my wife that I love her no matter what and that I don’t mind when there is “a little more to love.” I overheard her recently tell a friend that she doesn’t want to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight, because “he likes me with a few extra pounds.” I always thought she would just lose the weight. Now what do I say to that?
-Weighting for an Answer
He says
Wow, this question takes the cake…assuming your wife hasn’t eaten it off the counter already. You thought being nice was the right thing to do and look what happened. Breathe deep because I can offer some solutions.
First, I would try something subtle; buy a gym membership for both her and yourself (it’s always good to include yourself when you have tough news to deliver). Explain that although you have both rounded out nicely over the years, you have kids to think about and that you want to live long enough to see their children.
Second, utilize the power of the journal/diary. Make an entry that says something like:
Dear Diary, the holidays are coming to an end and I need to think about exercise. I’m sure my wife is already thinking about it and planning on losing about 15 pounds in the next few months, but I am not sure if I will be as successful. Maybe we can work together on this. She is a great motivation for me.
Then all you need to do is leave your journal open to this entry and hope your wife is a snooper.
Third, you might try hypnosis. I have never tried it, but maybe you could hypnotize her or something. I know the comedy clubs often have hypnotists. Maybe you could slip the hypnotist a few bucks or something. If hypnosis scares you, you can try subliminal messages or something. Try a very faint watermark on your emails to her that says “Lose that pregnancy chub.”
Fourth, you should try the direct approach and hope for the best. Explain that when you said you “didn’t mind a little more to love” that you really meant you didn’t mind for a little while. Relate it to how you don’t mind when you find a hair in your food at the restaurant. It’s intolerable, but you can wait for a new plate.
Fifth, what about a post-prenup? Maybe it would be called a postnup. I am not sure if they exist, but perhaps you could draft something that requests her to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight. NOTE: Unlike my other suggestions, this is just a shot in the dark. You would be blazing new ground using this unproven technique.
For married men who don’t have kids yet: avoid this situation all together by telling your wife “Don’t worry about the extra weight…for now.”
I hope we have all learned a valuable lesson today. Let us commit to be more honest in our communication to our spouses. Telling people what they want to hear can have heavy results – literally.
She Says
While The Donkey has given you a number of methods to choose from, I should warn you that he has not yet found a method which has been successful–which I suppose is unfortunate for both of us, especially since I managed to pop the button off my favorite pants last night. Don’t worry about correcting your wife’s perception that you love her just the way she is–hopefully that truly is how you feel. I can “imagine” a husband (or donkey) going to the other extreme, saying something like, “well, the reason I don’t compliment you more often is because I am worried that you’ll think you’re doing ok and you’ll stop working on things.” I can also “imagine” a wife attempting to spite her husband by eating extra brownies, when in reality she’s only hurting herself (and her favorite pair of pants).
I do think it’s ok for a husband and wife to discuss this topic, but it requires extreme delicacy. The New Year is actually a great time to broach some of the weightier matters in your marriage. Why not sit down and set goals together? You can set goals to be more active, eat out less, and buy more produce without even worrying about how much everybody weighs. If the topic of your wife’s weight does come up as something she wants to work on, be sure that you find out how she feels about it, what she wants to do about it, whether or not she wants your involvement, and what kind of help she wants. Also be willing to choose something you want to improve about yourself and let her know if/how she can support you. If weight isn’t an issue for you, tackle another habit–like excessive money-spending, video game-playing, or tv-watching. Just be sure to work together and put the focus on having a happy, healthy marriage.
As is occasionally the case, we may not be the best ones to help you out with this.
Perhaps some of our readers will offer their suggestions?
13 Responses to “What to Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want to Lose the Baby Weight”
Weight can be a big issue. When I started dating my previous girlfriend, she still had about 30 pounds to lose. She had been working on it and had already lost 60 or more pounds. However, those last few were the kicker. She never lost them and three years of dating later I had gained 40 pounds and she had gained 80. At the end of that year I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Over the fourth year, I almost all of my weight with strict diet, hard work, and exercise. She didn’t and we had to break up. I don’t mind a few extra pounds, but when it’s 100+! In the end my arms couldn’t reach around her and just having her lean on me on the couch would crush the air out of me. Well, you can’t marry someone who doesn’t care about their health if you’re someone who does. So in the end we had to break up. Of course, when all the other girls in your social circles hear that you broke up because she was too fat, you might as well move to another state and start over. I’ve got to get packing so I’ll see you later!
By Anonymous on Dec 31, 2007
Just browsing the internet. You have a very, very interesting blog.
By Freddie Sirmans on Dec 31, 2007
As a woman that hasn’t lost all the pounds after 3 kids in 6 years, I can off a bit of advise. DON’T talk about her weight! Simply take some initiative. Ask her to go on walks with you. Actually go and do it, even if she doesn’t join you to show her it is important to you, and not simply to get HER to lose weight.
Help prepare healthy meals. Women love to see a man cooking, and it relieves her of some stress. Stress is a huge reason for added pounds, so ease some of her burdeon.
Like the donkey and wife said, if you do talk about losing weight, make it a “let’s get healthy together” talk and don’t mention that you think SHE should lose weight. After all, there is probably something about you that she would love to change, but is to nice to say it.
By Ulibarri Family on Jan 1, 2008
I also think that you should let your wife figure out for herself that she needs to lose the weight. I think the Donkey’s ideas are interesting, but I am not sure how successful you will be if you try them. BTW, there are postnups, but they are usually used for monetary reasons. It might be helpful for you to create an example postnup for us husbands–more for the entertainment factor.
By LiteMike on Jan 1, 2008
Just start exercising together. A gym membership might be nice (like the Donkey suggested) or just going for walks together. Or find a fun sport that you both could learn together (martial arts can be great for this!) Being encouraged to spend time together getting healthier is much easier to swallow than being told that you need to lose weight!
By Emily (Laundry and Lullabies) on Jan 1, 2008
I would suggest broaching the subject as getting healthier, not getting skinnier. That means more in the long run, anyways. A skinny person with no fat but no muscles is often times less healthy than someone with a few extra pounds but physically fit. Tell her you want to grow old with her and you should both get into better shape (not measured by BMI or a scale). Tell her you want to eat better and tone up. And most of all? Do it WITH her.
By Leslie on Jan 2, 2008
let’s not get extreme, just try something subtle, like laying out a girdle with her clothes before you go out. that oughta do the trick
By phillyz on Jan 3, 2008
I tried a few things myself to get my wife to loose some weight. Just so you know, the direct approach really did NOT work for me. I think what has sort of worked is we both got a membership to the gym(she says she is going to go but only makes it maybe once or twice a month). I have worked out probably 4 or 5 times a week and got on a semi-strict diet for the last 6 months. If I say anything to my wife about having the membership or loosing weight, she won’t work out and pig out for the next month(to get back at me). If I don’t say anything and I am diligent at working out and dieting(I am not overweight) she might start some fad diet but it doesn’t last very long. This is ridiculous, she is overweight by 40 pounds or so and keeps her old clothes that she believes she will fit in again one day(which would be nice). The worst part is when she complains about being overweight, if I give her the obvious solution(eat better, work out, she goes nuts and doesn’t work out for another month). Her drivers license even says she is 50 pounds less than what she actually weighs(she doesn’t want to admit she is fat). Every time I see her scoop in another spoon full of ice cream I shudder. If any of you get any good ideas, post them up here because I got nothing.
By Anonymous on Jan 23, 2008
I have looked and looked for advice on this topic and there is obviously none. I married my wife who was a size 10. Shortly after marriage a size twelve. Five years later the first child and a size 16. We have been married 28 years and I have wished many times that she would take the initiative to lose a few pounds. She had gallbladder problems two years ago and lost weight ( down to size 14 ) until surgery. She even was excited about the new look, then within a year after surgery she had put on the weight again. It seems like all my friends wives have taken steps to lose. Sex is great, but the desire is not always there. It’s like – can’t she see it? There are so many options out there today. Why won’t she try them? I wish I knew how to love here into motivation.
By Anonymous on Jan 25, 2008
My advice to men that want their women to drop some pounds…be a better lover and fun to be around in general. Make your woman want to feel sexy and energetic. Surprise her. Stress makes the weight harder to come off. And it’s boring to be around a guy that doesn’t inspire that passion and zest for life in you. Women in that scenario usually go two directions, either have an affair with someone that does push the buttons, or they get depressed and inertia sets in.
Have sex a lot, burn calories, go out and do fun things, walks, hikes, plan Saturday trips to go do something active each week and little walks at night. Start lifting weights together. Don’t make it just about how you want her to drop some pounds, but that you want an active healthier lifestyle together. And when you go walking together? Don’t walk 10 feet ahead of her so that she’s frustrated. Hold her hand, be loving and frisky. Have FUN. If she was thinner when you met and she poofed up, I think you have a hand in it. Either by not saying anything, not doing anything or just not inspiring a different direction in life for her.
When my husband starts ballooning up, I say something about it. I don’t make him feel bad, but I’m honest. I know how unhappy he gets when he’s got a big belly and fatter. So sure, it might sting a little when I say honey you are getting big again but he appreciates it in the long run. And I tell him to let me know when he notices me ballooning up too so that I can do something about it before it gets too out of control.
By Shannon on May 24, 2008
shannon. You are so out of reality. Fat women do not care. Their is nothing a man can do or say that will influence an obese wife to loose weight or even try. The society we live in thinks obesity is the norm and should be just overlooked. I’m married to a woman who is obese and she’s the norm.
By tommy on Feb 24, 2010
Correction Tommy, you mean out of your perception of reality and your particular wife who is obese might not care (if your perception is the truth of her reality) but that doesn’t speak for all fat women. What I said is the truth. If you are with a man that pushes your right buttons, it sets off something in you that changes your body chemistry. If you are with an ignorant and boring man (you know, the kind who stereotypes all women in one lump category) then it changes your body chemistry in a negative way. Living with that kind of person (man or woman) long enough is draining and that takes a toll.
By Shannon on Mar 10, 2010