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I’m not an art expert, but one of my favorite college classes was Art History–1300 A.D. through The Present. My favorite part of the class was analyzing the art in an attempt to understand what the artists were conveying. If you had this class, you will remember the in-depth discussions on the Renaissance. I didn’t know anything about the Renaissance, but it was this topic–more specifically the Italian Renaissance–that caused one of my first classic blunders in marriage.

Lesson 14: Don’t tell your wife that she would have been a real looker during the Renaissance (or Baroque) Period.

The class had just started to discuss the Renaissance, and we were learning about Italian artists like Giorgione, Bellini, and Titian. As the teacher displayed the artwork, I couldn’t help but notice that many of the paintings seemed familiar. These included Danaë, Laura, and of course Sleeping Venus. I went home that night and began to tell my wife about class and how I noticed that many of the women of the Italian Renaissance resembled her. I’m sure she still remembers my exact quote, but it was probably something like: “It’s too bad you didn’t live back then, because you would have not only fit in, but you would have been pretty hot according to their standards.”

Of course I failed to notice that my wife did not take this as a compliment. Instead I got my book out and started showing her some of the paintings I was referring to. By the time I got to Sleeping Venus, my wife blurted out, “So… how exactly am I similar to these women? Please do explain.”

Again ignorant to the trouble I was about to be in, I responded, “Well, these women are very white and curvy.”

“And by white and curvy you actually mean pasty and fat?”

But I meant curvy, which is truthful. The women in these paintings are not fat, but by now I realized that she was upset because they certainly weren’t thin either. I had no idea how to get out of this. “Don’t worry,” I tried to assure her, “the media sensationalizes the need to be skinny; it’s really not that important. I’m just saying you would have been a real catch back in this time when people didn’t place a lot of value on being slim and trim.”

By this point my wife was irate, and I’m pretty sure I got yelled at. I finally stopped trying to get out of it, and just sat back and accepted it.

My suggestion: If you want to tell your wife that she resembles someone, stick to someone from People’s Most Beautiful list. And definitely don’t tell her she resembles any of Salvador Dali’s paintings.

Note: I’m sure you can understand my decision to not include images or links in this post. And you all thought I couldn’t be taught.

Update: As you can see in the comments, my wife has corrected my memory of the art period I compared her too. I guess I came home and told her she was very Rubenesque, which apparently is not a very nice thing to say.