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Babysitting Blues

Since we are busy with marriage, parenting, work, school, church, gym, plasma-donating, and various other endeavors, we have finally resigned ourselves to the fact that we have to behave like old people and sit down and plan our schedules in advance. Sometimes we do a great job of planning at the beginning of the week; other times we plan just a day in advance while we are brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed. The really bad days are when we don’t discuss our schedules at all and suddenly find out we have conflicting plans on a given evening; inevitably a debate will ensue–who is responsible for finding a babysitter?

He Said: Let Her Make the Call

I have claimed over the years that obtaining a babysitter is generally the wife’s responsibility. If I am in charge of particular date night, I take responsibility to find the babysitter. But for regular day-to-day operations I think the wife should be the one to make the call. I remember one time my wife had a doctor’s appointment in the late afternoon. She asked if I would be able to come home from work early to be with the kids, but I explained that I had a job to do and tried to explain the importance of working and how it is closely connected with securing money to pay for bills. She said, “Then you better find a babysitter.” I was stunned and sarcastically said, “I guess I can take a day off of work to call babysitters for you. When will you need people this week?” She got furious and ended the planning discussion. It seems clear to me that my wife should find babysitters in these situations, but it gets a little trickier when we both have something planned in the evening. Who has to do it then? Forget about who had their appointment planned first, what should actually happen? I still think she should call the babysitter and here’s why:

1. Most of the time the babysitter we are considering is a female. I think my wife can better relate with her than I can. What if she starts talking about teenage girl stuff? I don’t need or know how to deal with that.
2. What mother or father of a 13-year-old girl wants some old creep calling their daughter? I don’t care what the reason is. I would automatically be concerned.
3. Babysitters are usually middle school or high school age. The best time to catch them at home is right after school before they go out. I am not home until 6 pm, so I think my wife has a better chance of catching the babysitter at home.
4. Would I expect my wife to call the mechanic about car problems? Actually, I probably would. So she might as well do the babysitting so she can get out of calling the mechanic. It’s all about leverage.

She Said: I’m Not The Nanny

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in my absolute abhorrence of trying to track down babysitters. The thought of begging my friends to let three little boys run wild in their home for a few hours is only slightly more bearable than the thought of calling random teenagers and begging them to take a break from their carefree life and come do my job for a while. Contrary to what The Donkey wrote, I recognize that I am responsible for finding babysitters for daytime obligations like doctor’s appointment, school volunteering, etc. He works at the office and I work at home, so I agree that it makes sense that daytime hours are my responsibility. My problem is what happens in the evenings.

Since we are each busy with our respective jobs during the day, I don’t understand why a division of duties should continue after 6 pm. We are both at home by then, and should both be equally responsible for ensuring that our children are looked after. But typically when The Donkey has to do something in the evening, he just makes his plans and goes ahead with them–and if I’m lucky he remembers to tell me about it more than 2 hours in advance. He doesn’t worry about finding someone to watch the kids, because he assumes I will be there. If I do have somewhere I need to be that night, it is expected that I will arrange for someone to “fill in for me” at home.

Here is my main argument: I am not a nanny. In the daytime I have happily taken on the responsibility for looking after the kids because I am their mother and because I choose to stay at home. But this should not mean that on nights or weekends I am automatically on duty unless I can find a replacement to fill in for me. Instead, we should consider that when we are both home we are both responsible for the kids. Neither of us should assume that we can go somewhere without checking with the other person to see if they are able to be at home with the kids that night. If we have a conflict, we should share the responsibility to find the babysitter. If one of us has essential plans (attending a school meeting, fulfilling a church assignment) and the other has non-essential plans (going out to eat or to a movie with a brother), then clearly the non-essential plans should be canceled–or the one with those plans should find the babysitter. If we both have essential plans, then we should take turns finding the babysitter.

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