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A Tired Excuse

Here’s where we answer our our readers’ questions. Please don’t blame us if the suggestions don’t work for you. You’re the one taking advice from a donkey.

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Dear Doctor Donkey & Wife

My husband and I are both very busy. We don’t get to see each other until after school and work. Then, we have so much to do (cooking, cleaning, homework, church activities, etc) that we don’t get to talk until late at night. When my husband and I are lying in bed, I finally get to talk to him about what happened that day, what’s on my mind, and things we have to do. Sometimes this works, but usually it seems that my husband is so tired that he falls asleep while I am talking to him. I feel really frustrated when I realize he is snoring instead of listening. I need advice Dr. Donkey. How can I get my husband to listen if the only time we can talk is late at night?

-Tired of Pillow Talking

He Says

This happens to us too. For some reason I think I can make it through the conversation, but after about a minute of droning, I start to lose consciousness. Maybe you should go for arousal. And by arousal I mean stimulate the 5 senses.

• Sight: Keep a flashlight handy and shine it into his eyes as he begins to fall asleep.
• Taste: Bring some food to bed with you and keep him snacking.
• Sound: There’s nothing wrong with a loud clap every once in a while.
• Smell: Although it’s unladylike, breaking wind in close proximity will likely keep him awake. You might also rely on the smell of the snacks you brought up to keep him awake.
• Touch: Um, I’ll let you decide. You might try accidentally spilling some cold water out of your drinking cup onto him. I believe that would wake me up enough for another few minutes.

To combat my sleepiness, my wife will shed a tear or two and that will usually get my attention. This pulls on the emotional sense. Overuse, however, will diminish the effectiveness of this method.

She Says

I can’t tell you how much time I have spent revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings at night, only to be met with silence. It’s kind of like when you’re talking to your friend, and the cell phone cuts out, but you don’t know it until you’ve babbled for 10 minutes, completely oblivious to the fact that your friend is not responding. Humiliating. The hardest thing about my husband falling asleep while we’re talking is that I never learn my lesson. There have been nights when he has brought up a topic that I was eager to talk about, only to fall asleep less than a minute into the conversation. Feel free to test out some of his methods (I know I will), but you may just have to face the fact that nighttime talking is not for you. Here are some other things that work for us:

• Use instant messaging, texting, or emailing; it’s especially good for coordinating plans, sending little love notes, and feeling connected on those days when you don’t even cross paths.
• Keep lists of things you want to talk about. I keep a running list of important things–like current issues with the children, our vacation plans, or relationship issues that we need to work out. That way, next time we are on a long drive, or we have a chance to meet up for lunch, we can address some of those issues. On a smaller scale, I also try to jot down little things–like the 3 or 4 trivial things I want to tell him while he’s watching SportsCenter, that don’t necessarily merit an interruption. Those little things (a funny thing I saw on TV, a cute thing the baby did) make perfect conversations while we’re brushing our teeth and going to bed.
• Set your alarm to go off 10-15 minutes early, and take a little time in the morning to wake up together, snuggle up and catch up, plan your day, etc.

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