WifeAdvice.com

For most of us in the U.S., health insurance costs increase every year. Most people are furious about this, but I tend to feel ok about it since we have some of the best doctors, equipment, and facilities in the world. I am confident that I will be taken care of when I go to the doctor’s office or to the hospital; I expect great service and a solution to the problem. And so it was until we had our first kid and I was actually put to work like a common criminal.

Lesson 12: Don’t complain when you have to hold up your wife’s legs while she is delivering your child. And definitely don’t point to the fact that it’s because her legs are too heavy.

My wife was visiting the doctor for a checkup about 3 weeks before our first son was due to arrive. Up to that point, the pregnancy had gone smoothly, but at this appointment the doctor was concerned with my wife’s high blood pressure, and he had her rushed to the hospital. By the time I arrived, things were underway; she was induced and quickly received and epidural for the pain. After a few hours of waiting for things to progress, (we killed time by watching the very entertaining how-to-have-and-take-care-of-a-baby shows on the hospital tv network), it was time to deliver the baby. The nurse called me over to my wife’s bed and asked, “Can you hold your wife’s leg up while she pushes?”“Uh, that’s gross and that’s your job,” I thought, but I did it anyway. A few minutes later the nurse asked me to hold up my wife’s other leg too. After a little while I said to my wife, “What’s going on here? Where are those cowboy things I just saw on the baby channel?” None of the fathers in the videos were holding up anyone’s legs, yet I was standing there with my wife’s feet in my hands. My neck was killing because I was straining to look away the entire time as the baby’s head began to pop out. Eventually my arms weakened and I had to rest her feet on my shoulders. Nurse after nurse came in to see how we were doing, but they never offered to help me.

I began to crumble under the pressure after an hour or so and finally asked a nurse, “Where are the stirrups?” She said, “Oh, the husband just holds the wife’s legs.” I then said, “Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but my wife’s legs are as big as my entire body. I am very little, and I can’t keep holding her legs. By the way, don’t I have health insurance to pay for someone or something to hold her legs up?” My wife immediately got mad and started explaining to the nurse that I was a jerk and not to worry. I excused this because she was probably extremely stressed out being in the middle of labor.

In the end my complaints worked and they sent in a nurse to hold one leg while I held the other. At this point I was more exhausted than my wife, and I squirmed and switched shoulders every few minutes. She delivered the baby without incident, but was pretty angry with my behavior; this could have all been avoided had television not sensationalized the birthing process. I could have avoided a lot of physical and emotional pain had someone just put the stirrups on the bed.

My suggestion: Definitely get a back brace before you arrive. You might also get a pillow or two to put on your shoulders. This has nothing to do with your wife’s size; man was just not designed to hold objects on his shoulders for extended periods of time unless that man was raised in a logging community in Oregon.

As I’m sure you can imagine, this is one of many lessons yet to be taught about the donkey’s dealings with pregnancy and childbirth.