Lesson 9: What’s 1 Plus 1? Don’t Answer That.
Recently I was playing with Dimples, coaxing him to fit little shapes into their corresponding outlines on a toy box. Whenever he got one right, I would clap excitedly and say, “Yay!” We repeated the process again and again. This pattern of Solve Problem-Earn Reward is reinforced throughout school and life as we are presented with tests, evaluations, and various other assessments and problems, and expected to solve them quickly and accurately. But does this principle apply to marriage? Not all the time.
Lesson #9: When your wife presents a problem, do not immediately offer a solution.
Like the time my wife was feeling sad and said, “I feel like I’m not doing a good job; I wish I were a better mother.”
The problem solving process immediately began, and wthin seconds I identified several viable solutions. I said, “You should probably have the kids stop watching so much television. That is the biggest concern right now. Also, I bet you feel bad because you are always feeding them cold cereal for dinner. Maybe it would help if you planned meals ahead of time that include the basic food groups.” The ideas just kept coming: “It would really help if you played at the park with them more often; I’m pretty sure they would benefit from the fresh air.”
I felt like I was on a roll, but noticed that she was starting to look flustered. I dismissed this as wonderment at the great ideas that were flowing out of me like magical dust. I continued, “Maybe we could make a list of strategies you could use when you feel like you are going to lose your temper with the kids; you must feel terrible when you do that.” At this point I could tell that she was mad. I stopped and said, “What’s wrong?”
In a frustrated voice she exclaimed, “I don’t want you to tell me what to do and what not to do. I’m just frustrated because I want to do better!”
With a purposeful look of confusion I said, “So you want to be a better mom but you don’t want to know how to do it? Maybe that is the problem here.”
Gritting her teeth she said, “I don’t want you to offer up anymore great ideas. Just listen to me.”
I said, “I thought I was listening–ok then, what would you like me to say?” She repeated her concerns. I sat quietly, and when she was finished I responded, “So now what should I say?” She got mad and stormed off.
After some coaxing she unlocked the door and let me into the room. She explained that she didn’t want answers; she just wanted to me to listen. It didn’t make any sense then, but I am beginning to understand this after about 30-40 repeat performances of the above conversation.
My suggestion: It’s going to be difficult, but try to find out if this is an “I need a solution” time or an “I want you to listen” time. When in doubt, go with “I want you to listen.”
14 Responses to “Lesson 9: What’s 1 Plus 1? Don’t Answer That.”
this is so confusing to me as well, it seems when i have the answer or at least suggestions they are unwelcomed but when i have no idea she is demanding answer. not that this is very important but the most obvious and frequent time is what should we have for dinner.
By phil on Oct 17, 2007
The problem is simple: Men are problem solvers. We hear a problem and we want to solve it. Women on the other hand, don’t want you to solve their problems, they just want you to validate their feelings and listen to them.
This has got to be one of the most frustrating things about male/female relations. It is difficult for a many to not try to solve the problem. Even me, knowing that my wife doesn’t want me to actually help her solve her problems, find myself offering my fair share of suggestions.
In this particular instance, it would have worked better to say “Oh, quit that. You’re an excellent mother. You do this that and the other thing.” or “I know what you mean. I want to be the best father I can possibly be but I do occasionally feel like there could be more that I could do.” Butter her up, or identify with her.
Still, in everyday conversation I find myself trying to problem solve where I shouldn’t. I’ve often asked my wife “then why are you telling me?” in response to “I don’t want you to fix it!” You can imagine how well that goes over.
By Nathaniel on Oct 17, 2007
Nathaniel nailed it when he said “they just want you to validate their feelings and listen to them”
The perfect response would be “You’re a great mom, sure there are things you would like to do better but there are things everybody wants to do better.” blah blah blah… that type of thing.
I think when women say stuff like that talking to their husband, they’re expecting the same response a female would give.
By *April J* on Oct 17, 2007
what we have to do is teach our daughters to become problem solvers and to stop their whining at an early age.
why do women need to feel validated by their male counterparts? …isn’t it because it is a learned behavior that is taught to us by our mothers? I admit, I am a victim of this same type of socializing, but I think it needs to stop. Again, I suggest we rely on our female counterparts for the “listening” and stop expecting this from a man when they are so limited in this capacity.
wait - clark’s don’t spawn many female children, maybe this one can’t be solved by the clark mothers.
for the men:
I will say this, my dad is the king of listening and seeming interested. He has a wife and five daughters who all required this “when to problem solve” and “when to listen” technique. I think the key is never speaking, only acting interested, until you know for sure a response is desired. AND - if you have heard whatever she is saying before, still act like it is the first time you are hearing it (this may be another topic, but I think it is worthwhile to mention here).
By celine on Oct 17, 2007
Has this ever happened to anyone in reverse? I will complain about somehting to my wife and get a list of ideas on how to solve my problem. The problem with this is the ideas are nonsensical. I agree men are natural problem solvers, because we can eliminate emotion from the equation and get done what needs do in.
Let me share with you how Celine’s dad listens so well…listen up good boys, because this is how its done. He will sit at the kitchen table with a crossword puzzle and during the night his daughters and wife will come in and out of the room. He will sit there doing his crossword puzzle occasionally shaking his head and making a noise. Then after they are done talking he will say, “What’s a four letter word for…”
By P on Oct 18, 2007
papa hagan is a true genious. i have a new theory that perhaps i will test although i am scared. whenever my wife does this to me i will say something that i am concerned about, but is ridiculous,not to mock her, but to get her mind off of it. Here’s an example- “i feel like i’m not a good mom, i wish i could do better” my response- “i can’t sleep with my eyes open”.
By phil on Oct 18, 2007
phil…you are a genius. i love doing crossword puzzles.
By celine on Oct 18, 2007
As far as the need to feel validated by men, I don’t believe that is a learned behavior from our mothers at all.
Not once in my life have I heard my mom seek validation from my dad, as a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really had an emotional conversation with him without getting frustrated and leaving the room in tears.
If anything, maybe it’s a lack of validation we received while growing up, that we now seek as adults else where.
By April J. on Oct 18, 2007
Why is everyone acting like listening and supporting the people you love is a chore and a hassle. Shame, shame, shame.
By Brittany on Oct 18, 2007
A chore maybe not, but a LABOR of love absolutely!
By P on Oct 18, 2007
Bah. They’re just fishing for sympathy. Winning by losing.
By BrianFH on Oct 19, 2007
You don’t have to hear a woman seek validation to know she is doing it. There are much deeper forms of communication aside from words.
I second The Wife’s most recent notion that our esteem should not be directly linked to our husbands; however, I think it is important we consider our husbands (and loved ones - as Brittany points out) and help support each other’s needs - as they do ours. Here, here Brittany.
By celine on Oct 20, 2007
i still can’t sleep with my eyes open
By phil on Oct 20, 2007
try toothpicks
By celine on Oct 21, 2007