Lesson 8: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
Like most men, I find expressing my emotions to be a somewhat uncomfortable experience. For some of us, it can even be uncomfortable talking to our own wives about our feelings for them. Let me spare you some heartache with this piece of Wife Advice.
Lesson 8: If your wife asks if you love her, just say yes. If she asks why, be prepared (but don’t share your secret).
Every 2-3 months my wife asks randomly, “Do you love me?” and “Why did you marry me?”
I have no clue why this occurs, but my response is always the same, “Of course I love you. We’re married aren’t we?” That usually doesn’t go over very well, but what else can I say? It is a simple case of deduction. We are married, therefore we are in love. I know that isn’t always the case in marriages, but it is for me. This isn’t enough for my wife though. My wife digs further and further by asking the “Why did you marry me?” question. From here I go down a spiraling slope. Let me describe the culminating event some time ago.
My wife was upset for a reason unknown to me. She asked if I loved her and I said yes, but I said it in an annoyed way because I was busy. She got upset and said, “You don’t.” I said, “I do.” She said, “No you don’t.” This went on until she asked why I married her. I got more annoyed because this seemingly meaningless conversation had already gone on too long.
“Look,” I said. “You know why I love you. I have told you so many times. I knew you would be a good mom, I knew you would never cheat on me, I knew you would be spiritual, and I thought you weren’t emotional.” I just had to throw that jab in there, but it proved to be my doom.
“I have heard that list already so many times before, so I want to hear other reasons. Tell me why you really married me.”
What was I to say? I never got pushed passed this point. I snorted something to her about being patient and then left the room. A few days later I was thinking about this episode and tried to find a way to avoid it in the future. I came up with a brilliant idea (or so I thought). I would write up a list of why I loved her and then present it to her.
I spent an hour or so thinking about and writing down all the reasons I married her. Nothing profound came to mind, but I wrote a few things I wouldn’t have said verbally. The document ended up being about a page long, so I felt confident that this would appease her appetite for praise.
I approached her in a most triumphant way and said, “Here! I have written a list of all the reasons I married you. From now on, when you feel the urge to ask me If and why I love you, control yourself, open your drawer, and read this note. All of your answers are on this paper.”
The response I expected did not come. Instead, I could see her brow furrowing and her eyes narrowing with what appeared to be anger. “What?” I said. “Isn’t this what you wanted? You won’t need to ask anymore.” She took the paper upstairs and came back about 30 minutes later. I knew it was trouble. She said, “This is not what I want you to do. I enjoy having you tell me that I matter and that you care about me. I wouldn’t ask you to say these things if you instead spontaneously told me why you love me.”
I didn’t understand at all. “So, are you still going to ask me or can you live with the paper?” She erupted and yelled, “Yes, I am still going to ask you. And next time, you can’t use any of these reasons!” As she stormed out of the room, I thought about how botched this operation was. I was more worried because I had documented all of the standard reasons, plus some new ones, and now these had been banned. What would I do?
My suggestion: Proactively tell your wife that you love her, and throw in a few reasons too. Cycle through the reasons every fourth time or so. Test this theory out. See if she still asks you. If you are like me, send yourself a reminder for every other month to comment on this. And by all means, do not document anything! It might sound like a good idea, but it is not!
15 Responses to “Lesson 8: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”
My wife asks me that too. Conversation is the key not so much what is said. She knows you love her but wants to hear it. Since you have been banned from your standard reasons, I am here with some others that I have used in my life. (Wife, do not ban my suggestions, I am trying to help a brother out)
In no particular order:
“Why do you love me?”
1. Your hair
2. You said “Yes”
3. You’ll do for now.
4. I could have done a lot worse.
5. You have decent personal hygeine
6. No unibrow
7. You tell me when I have “bats in the cave”
8. Because nobody else would put up with me
9. We like some of the same stuff
10. I’ve grown accustomed to your face. (Borrowed from My Fair Lady)
By Karlmalone on Oct 8, 2007
My wife asks me if I love her on a regular basis. After almost 6 years of this, I started replying with an annoyed yes. That just makes it worse and causes more problems. Here is what I have learned about communicating with the wife about this issue:
What she says: Do you love me?
What she means: I had an emotional day, and I feel helpless, alone, and unloved. Would you, who’s opinion matters most, please show me some g-rated physical and/or verbal affection.
What he understands: You don’t love me, and you never did.
How he responds: Nothing I do makes a lasting difference anyway, so I’ll tell her what she wants to hear and get her off my back.
I am slowly learning to not take the wife’s words at face value and to respond to what she means, rather than what she says. I have made attempts to get her to say what she really means, but as of yet, this has proved futile. In the mean time, I will continue with my studies in to learning how to speak woman.
By Vatermann on Oct 8, 2007
This is hilarious! You didn’t know you were a comedy writer!
By Ev Nucci on Oct 8, 2007
This is meant to be humorous; however, these incidents weren’t too funny in the moment. I’m glad that we can kinda laugh now.
KarlMalone and Vatermann are right on. The quest will continue for us men to understand the female mind. Perhaps I can begin translating some of the most popular phrases uttered by my wife into layman’s terms. This will help us all.
By The Donkey on Oct 9, 2007
It seems that attempting to understand the female mind is a futile crusade. the ideal is if we can get women to adjust and understand our simple minds. any ideas dr. donkey
By phil on Oct 9, 2007
This made me happy because I realized I’m not the only woman who asks the same question to her husband. However, I must say, I thought it would be a good idea to share this my wonderful husband… it wasn’t.
I clearly labeled a note which said: Disclaimer* I think the letter idea is cute and I wouldn’t get mad at you if you did it but after he read it he was under the impression that he should now avoid the conversation all together and not even try :/ not the reaction I was hoping for.
I think you should do you’re next topic on not assuming you know what you’re wife is thinking, or what her reaction will be, because from my experience usually when he’s in trouble that’s why.
By April* on Oct 9, 2007
Vaterman nailed it:
What she says: Do you love me?
What she means: I had an emotional day, and I feel helpless, alone, and unloved. Would you, who’s opinion matters most, please show me some g-rated physical and/or verbal affection.
What he understands: You don’t love me, and you never did.
How he responds: Nothing I do makes a lasting difference anyway, so I’ll tell her what she wants to hear and get her off my back.
******
Most women are uncomfortable just asking straight out for what they want (in this case, just to hear the words “I love you” from the person they care most about in the whole world at the end of a bad day). In our minds, if you “really cared”, you’d notice we were upset and want to make it better without us having to say anything. When men not only don’t notice but get annoyed when we let you know we need something from you, that only makes us feel worse. It probably was just a bad day that prompted the request, but now we also feel rejected on top of everything else
If you can, indulge her need for affection. You’re not being blamed, and you won’t be unless you hurt us even more by being annoyed or indifferent. We just want some attention and aren’t very good about letting you know that directly.
Bottom line: we are letting you know how important you are to us.
By Cassandra on Oct 10, 2007
i understand what people are saying about giving affection, but i think sometimes for us guys these kind of questions are a major trap, perhaps not intentional but a trap none the less. as the donkey explained he was more than willing to share his feelings and thoughts and answer the question, but it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. we never know what you want to hear. it’s not that we are unwilling to express affection, we are just ignorant. so how about a break coach us along, accept a letter as us trying our best.
By phil on Oct 10, 2007
Why would a question like this ever need to be asked? It should be assumed we are loved if we are still married and engaging in procreation and the rearing of children. If you must ask this question, I think there may be something you are unsure of in your husband. Am I just confident or arrogant? I am not sure, but I have to say that I never ask this question of my husband. Now, this is not to say it has never crossed my mind, but it does not need to be asked because the answer is always, of course - even in my mind. And why? Because…why not?
Do we really need Stuart Smalley at our shoulders repeating to us…”because we are good enough and smart enough and dogonnit. people like me.” Please…spare me (all of womankind) and your husbands.
Come ladies…are we really that needy for verbal affection to substantiate what we already know to be true? I think we should recognize - that kind of verbal affection will only come from other women and we should stop seeking it from our husbands. Let us understand their limits. (as Phil suggests we should deeply consider)
By celine on Oct 10, 2007
It’s not that I doubt that my husband loves me, all I need to do is look at him and I know, it’s just sometimes it’s nice to hear him say the words without being prompted.
Call me a hopeless romantic but I cherish the moments when my husband looks at me in amazement and love and just can’t help but tell me how much he loves me and why.
It’s nice to hear, nice to be reminded of. I fall in love with Jack in new ways everyday and I love sharing that with him- *shrug* maybe I’m just a very emotional woman.
By April* on Oct 10, 2007
Awesome article, great topic. I’ve got to say, I’ve felt annoyed by that question more than once. I almost want to tell her “Yes, I love you. I said it when we got married and if it changes I’ll let you know.”
But we all know that doesn’t hold up too well. I know she just wants to hear it but at the same time the male mind interprets “Do you love me?” as “I’m not sure if you love me, remind me again.” That can be quite the blow.
Good advice about telling them why every so often. I’ll have to come up with a list that I can cycle through. Nice idea. I’ll certainly take it into account.
I bet the list would have gone over better if it was more artistically done, perhaps in poem accompanied by artwork and something she could frame. It’s a little… well… wussy, but who cares. Women love that mushy stuff… or so I’m told.
~Nathaniel
By Nathaniel on Oct 14, 2007
wife is not bad,but every one need her and you mast think about mre than more
By ismaiel malek on Jun 1, 2008