Getting The Donkey to Budge
Is it true what they say about donkeys? Are they really that stubborn? Or is there a way to bend them to your will? Allow me to share a little lesson I learned about my Little Donkey, which has been one of the most eye-opening experiences of my marriage.A few years ago, The Donkey had an internship opportunity which required us to relocate for a summer. At the time, Boy Wonder (our oldest) was 2, and our next little bundle of joy was due to arrive during the summer internship. I was somewhat excited for a new adventure, but not looking forward to the move, especially since it was so temporary. The Donkey’s mother graciously offered that we could move in with her, as she was a short commute from our internship location. Her offer was tempting, since she still had young children who Boy Wonder loved to play with. The Donkey loved the idea, since he is so frugal (read: major tightwad). The downside? Not having my own place. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through the nesting phase and bring a new baby home at someone else’s house. But the pros outweighed the cons, and we decided to do it.
As the moving date came closer and closer, I grew more and more agitated. I started hinting to The Donkey that I really wished we could just find an apartment for the summer. “Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to commute?” He said he didn’t mind the commute. “Well, wouldn’t it be nice if we weren’t inconveniencing your mom?” He said she was happy to have us. Besides, he asked me, hadn’t we already talked through this and decided that it would be too hard to find an apartment with a short-term lease, and plus–what about all the money we would be saving? Oh yeah.
I couldn’t drop it though; I started searching for apartments online. I was thrilled to find a few places within walking distance of the new job–and they had short-term leases! I set to work, trying to convince The Donkey that we should do it. I detailed how convenient it would be, how we’d have more time together, how the money we would save on commuting would offset the high price of the downtown rent. Sure, it might still be a more expensive option, but wouldn’t it be worth it?
He didn’t seem to think so. He argued that it would be more expensive than I thought, and why should we pass up a free place to live? How could I convince him that I was right? I spent an entire weekend–every waking moment–talking it over and over with him, going through all the pros and cons and trying to prove that they were now in favor of us getting our own place. The Donkey would not budge. “I’ll do it,” he kept saying, “but I don’t agree that it’s the best option.” How could he not agree?!
Then finally, after hours of debating, stewing, crying, and worrying, it came to me, quite suddenly. “Wait a minute,” I asked, “did you just say you would do it, even though you don’t think it’s the best option?” Exasperated, he explained, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all weekend–if it’s that important to you, we can do it. No, I don’t see it as the best option, but if it’s the only thing that will work for you, I’m willing to do it.”
And we did.
So, what’s better? Having to persuade someone to agree with you 100%, or having a stubborn donkey who is still willing to do what makes you happy, even when it’s not what he wants? I’ll take The Donkey, any day.
8 Responses to “Getting The Donkey to Budge”
I vote for living on your own ALWAYS if you can. While I have appriciated bunking with family nothing benefits a marrage more than having a place of your own. The wife has her priorities right and of course donkeys always need good prodding. Congratulations on your move! –
By Mimi from So. Cal. on Oct 9, 2007
This story goes to show that wives do not listen to husbands. How many times have I agreed with my wife only to find her contintuing to beat a dead horse in debate? ALL THE TIME!
By Karlmalone on Oct 9, 2007
While it may be true that wives sometimes don’t listen, often when we seem to be beating dead horses (as I was beating The Donkey in this story), it has less to do with whether we are listening and more to do with whether we feel we are being heard.
By The Wife on Oct 9, 2007
if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? that’s what i thought
By Anonymous on Oct 10, 2007
heard
By Anonymous on Oct 10, 2007
when a tree falls with no one around to hear it…………..it makes a huge noise. We hear it, we just don’t know what made the noise at the time. the only way we would find out what is was that we heard is to care enough to go looking…..
either that or the tree fell on a beaten, dead horse and the noise was softened
way too late to start talking about the tree in the woods theory now!
By Anonymous on Oct 10, 2007
If you want your husband to hear you, don’t try to use logic. Logic is a male competitive sport. You had an emotional need to live away from his parents, but tried to appeal to his logical side. That will never work. Always explain emotional needs explicitly, as men will rarely catch on until long after a full fledged spat has broken out.
BTW, you might have been better off allowing his mom to nurture you. You shouldn’t see this as regression in any way. In the history of the world it is only a recent phenomenon to flee the nest so completely. It’s an instinctive need for the mother-in-law to provide for her grandchildren (while of course earning some future guilt coupons in the process), and your decision also interfered with Donkey’s emotional needs as well as your mother-in-law’s emotional needs.
By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2007