WifeAdvice.com

Flying The Coop 

The Doctor is In, dispensing his own brand of marital prescriptions. Take them at your own risk.

Dr. Donkey:
Before I got married, I talked to my wife about “hanging out with the guys” and how important that is. She said she understood and would support me completely. Once we got married though, it was like a different person emerged. She quickly cut any ties I had with my friends and made it extremely difficult for me to be gone for the evening or to hang out on the weekend. Sometimes she would cry and say that I hated being with her and sometimes she would get angry and close up and not say anything. I love my wife and enjoy spending the evening with her, but sometimes I gotta break free and get loose for a bit. What can I do?

Dear Trapped in the Closet:
When I was in elementary school I found a $5 bill that someone had lost on the road. Finders keepers, right?! I would carry that bill around with me everywhere. I then got a pair of KangaROOS shoes with a little zipper pouch for hiding things. I put my $5 bill in this pocket and went to school. I would reach down and unzip the pouch every hour or so to make sure the money was still there. Every day I would check to make sure it was still locked up in the pouch. After several months, I reached down one day to look for the money and was shocked to find that it was gone! I was so sad. By this time I had stopped checking regularly for the $5, I had just assumed it would always be there. I must have lost it the day I wore another pair of shoes to play in the dirt; one of my brothers probably used my shoes and found the money. I questioned everyone, but no one fessed up. That $5 bill was ever-elusive to its owners. Losers Weepers.

Sometimes, husbands might feel like this $5 bill: trapped, bound, and locked away from society. But what can you do? How can you break free for a little while? Is it possible to come out into the light rather than being zipped up in a dirty old shoe? Here are several options that you might try.

1. Stuck in class. If you are still in college, you have quite a few options. First, identify which of your classes let out early on a regular basis. DO NOT tell your wife about this. Stay at school and do some homework. Then, once you are sure you will be let out early, call your friends and make some plans. You will have several hours of freedom, and your wife will be none the wiser.
2. Broken marriage. Approach your wife with a somber attitude. Tell her that “Jim” at work is having a tough time with his marriage. Tell her, “I’m really worried about him. I feel like I should be there for him. Maybe I should hang out with him to see how he’s doing?” Handled correctly, this approach will work every time. Your wife will reflect on her own feelings, and how much she would appreciate one of her friends coming to talk to her. She will also enjoy seeing your softer side, and no doubt feel that she has had a hand in molding you. This method can only be used once every year or so, but it has proven effective for me. Enjoy the movie!
3. Buy her a present. Identify a gift your wife would like and locate the store that carries it. Call your friends and make plans to go watch the game at the nearby sports bar. Then, tell your wife you will be gone for the evening because you are planning a surprise for her. Drive over to a strip mall or an area that has several stores close to each other. NOTE: The stores should be close to where you have planned to watch the game. Slowly drive to each store and briefly stop in each parking lot. Next, meet your friends at the restaurant and enjoy an hour or two of the game. NOTE: Do not make any purchases at the restaurant that can be traced. If your friends understand your situation, they will be willing to support you in this time of need by letting you mooch some of their food. (Look forward to tips on skimming money!) After you have stayed until certain destruction, leave the sports bar and quickly drive over to the store that has the gift. Purchase the gift, drive home, and present it to your wife. Tell her you had to stop at all sorts of stores before you were able to buy the gift (This is 100% truthful). She will be happy, and you will have enjoyed a great night out munching nachos and watching the Red Sox get beaten by the Yankees. This will not work if this gift is not amazing. It might cost a few bucks, but it will be well worth it. Also, you cannot purchase the gift until after the game. She may suspect something and look at your receipt for the purchase time. Don’t fall victim to this simple and avoidable mistake.
4. Wheel and deal. Tell your wife that you need a break. She will likely get defensive, but you can quickly tell her that you would be willing to take the kids off her hands so she can go out with her friends. This works occasionally, especially if your wife is also feeling like a $5 bill trapped in a dirty old shoe.
5. The old swaparoo. This is my favorite approach. It is truly a win-win situation for YOU! Call up your friend or brother. Tell him you want to hang out. He will get excited since you normally can’t go anywhere. Then, wait for an hour and call him back. Tell him, “Man, my wife is now telling me she wants to go out instead. I think I can convince her to let me hang out with you if I could take her on a date sometime this weekend. Hey, maybe you could babysit today and then we can go out tomorrow?” Your friend probably won’t like this idea, but he will do it so he can hang out. In the meantime, you haven’t said anything to your wife. After the exchange with your brother, approach your wife and say, “I was just talking to Mike. He offered to watch the kids for us so we could go on a date. But I think he wants to hang out with me tomorrow. It sounds like we all win! What do you think?” She may be hesitant, but will do it, especially if you haven’t been out for a while. Everyone wins, but you are the biggest winner of all. You go out 2 nights in a row and you get the credit for planning a date with your wife, including babysitting arrangements! This idea may not be on the same scale as discovering that the earth is round, but it is truly a monumental concept.

These are a few simple ideas for you to try. I think some are more effective than others. I would love to hear any ideas you might have. Let’s get some information sharing going on.

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