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Dr. Donkey:

I have an issue that I’ve been dealing with for most of my marriage that I need some advice on how to manage. My wife is a stay at home mom while I work full time out of the house. My issue is regarding the role of the stay at home mom. My understanding was that by making the decision to stay at home to be with the children (which I agree is the right decision to make if your circumstances allow for it) that the wife’s responsibilities would also include maintaining a clean and orderly house. Was I wrong in assuming that this falls under the role of housewife? Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that all the cleaning needs to be done by the female, I’m all for helping out around the house and currently do a large portion of the cleaning in our house, but is it too much to expect a tidy house upon arriving home from work? I know that our children can be quite the handful, but for some reason when I have them on the weekend I can still manage to watch them and clean the entire house myself. Dr. Donkey give me your thoughts. My wife is a great lady and works hard I just wish I could have a house that was a bit more tidy.

Despondent Working Man:

Meatloaf is one of the most boring meals around, yet I love it so much. I remember calling Nancy one day to ask her to make it for dinner. She agreed, and I spent the day looking forward to the meal. When I came home, however, there was no smell of meat cooking. No ketchup or spice aroma. No, the only thing I noticed was a giant mess, with a slight hint of dirty diaper in the air. The kids were doing something upstairs that sounded dangerous and the baby was crawling around whining. As I surveyed the house, I realized that something terrible must have happened during the day. As my wife sat on the couch reading blogs, I thought, “How could this be? Shouldn’t she be cleaning or taking care of the kids? And what about that meatloaf? Don’t I deserve a meal when I come home from work?”

Your concern is a familiar one for most men, yet the answer is as elusive as that meatloaf I was looking for. Is cleaning a housewife’s duty? Unfortunately there is no answer, only opinion. Here is my opinion: A stay at home mom should consider cleaning the house as part of her duty. There are days though that are too crazy for an effective cleaning job. I can’t imagine having the home clean every day at 5:30pm when the bread winner walks through the door. I also think that the duties in the evening should be split between the couple. It sounds like you are very helpful in the evening and I applaud you. But coming home to a messy house can be very frustrating after a hectic day at work, especially if it occurs on a regular basis.

It sounds like you need to bring this topic up with your wife. There are a few approaches that I have tried over the years. Before I discuss the approaches though, there are a few considerations:

• You must recognize that your wife considers being at home as “work.” Maybe you find being at home for the day enjoyable and that running the ship is more of an adventure than a chore. This is only your perspective. For her, the home is her office.
• Don’t use the argument, “I could easily manage it without a problem for the day” because that doesn’t count. Her retort will be, “You are exactly right–you can do it for a day.” I have even spent several 4-day weekends on my own with the kids and I try using that exact logic, but logic will always lose out to the female perspective.
• It sounds like you haven’t brought this topic up with her, so she may not realize that you expect her to clean. Perhaps she considers cleaning to be going the extra mile.

With those considerations on the table, I can now provide you with some helpful tips on how you might broach the subject. Some of my approaches are listed below, in order of effectiveness; the results have ranged from getting me into trouble, to making me feel triumphant to actually solving the problem.

1. Let the mess get so gross that she is forced to take action. Fake a fall as you try to climb over the clothes pile. Lose her toothbrush under the dirty hand towel on the floor. Cry out, “Good gosh there are ants everywhere!” while looking at the food on the floor in the kitchen. (Ants don’t really need to be present.) This hasn’t typically been effective for me, but it might be a short term solution to get the house clean once or twice.
2. Ask her where the phone is. She will begin to look. Little does she know that you have hidden the phone under a pile of her sandals that she has left in the entry way. After about 10 minutes, yell out “Eureka!” as you unearth the device. (For added effect, hide somthing she truly values so the concern is intensified, maybe the remote control or her Danielle Steele “novel.”)
3. Wait until your wife is near the messiest room. Walk in right as she passes and let out a shriek. When she asks what’s wrong, tell her nothing with a clearly disturbed look as you survey the area. She will likely catch on and you can discuss the situation, but she might be more clever than that and completely ignore you. Move on to option 4.
4. Come home and tell your wife that you want to go out on a date, holding some fake tickets in your hands. Act really excited and then walk by the mess while she is nearby and look disappointed. If this doesn’t prompt a response, you can say to yourself, just audible enough for her to hear, “I guess I need to stay home and clean.” Rip up the tickets and start cleaning.
5. If that doesn’t work, here is a sure proof idea. Come right out and question the mess. She will bite on the bait and say, “Well why don’t you clean it up.” Stare at the ground with a puzzled face and say blankly, “I do have one more vacation day. I guess I can take a day off next week to sweep the floor.” This is a dangerous one, but I always love it. It typically gets me in trouble, but boy do I feel good after I say it!
6. Just clean. Come home and clean. Don’t say anything. Walk in, get changed, ask for a sponge so she knows you are cleaning, and then go nuts. Clean all night. Ignore the calls for dinner. Stay up well into the night cleaning. Do this again the next day and the next day. Eventually she may see the point and begin to pitch in.
7. Divide and conquer. You might offer to vacuum and do the dishes, while she does the laundry and cooks. She might accuse you of ordering her around, but she might realize she is getting off lucky by only doing half the work.
8. Tell her that you recognize that she must have had a hard day. Tell her that you really appreciate it when the house is clean, but that you understand that it’s a hard job every day. Then ask for your meatloaf.

Hopefully this helps. You are in a difficult position, but there is hope.

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