Lesson 4: Sorry For Being Sorry
I think most of us guys have a hard time saying “I’m sorry” to our wives when we make mistakes. We get a little of that male bravado inhibiting our sensitive sides. And even if we do utter these words, sometimes the apology is not accepted. Perhaps you were insincere. Perhaps your words or actions were too egregious for a quick “I’m sorry.” With this foundation, I offer you this installment of Wife Advice.
Lesson 4: Being sorry that you got yourself into a bad situation doesn’t count as “Being Sorry.”
As you might guess, I am frequently getting myself into all sorts of trouble with my wife. For instance, I recall not too long ago pointing out that she had spilled food on her shirt while eating. I said something about wanting a dainty wife–one who wouldn’t drop food all over the place all the time. She seemed shocked by my statement, and I received a sharp, well-deserved rebuke. I knew I was in trouble, and quickly entered the first stage of seeking forgiveness: recognizing that an apology was in order. This alone was an accomplishment for me, but I was even able to take it to the second stage: issuing an apology. Unfortunately, in the meantime I was feeling annoyed that I was getting in trouble despite the fact that I wasn’t the one spilling food. I gave a quick sorry and continued with my business. It’s possible that I also gave a little chuckle about what I had said. She exclaimed, “Don’t say sorry if you aren’t actually sorry.”
I told that I was sorry. Again quite insincere, but I thought maybe she would be pacified. Incorrect. She continued to explain that saying sorry to smooth things over is worse than not saying sorry at all.
WARNING: You might be tempted to not say sorry anymore based on that last statement, but this is a trap. Don’t fall in. They really want you to say sorry.
Anyway, I felt cornered because she was right; I really wasn’t that sorry for telling her that spilling food wasn’t dainty. But then I realized that I was actually sorry. I said, “Listen, I really am sorry. I am sorry that I am in this situation. I am sorry that I am being yelled at. I am sorry that I saw you spill your food on yourself.”
I had managed to say sorry and mean it: Victory! Or so I thought. I was being completely honest in my sorry statements, but again, this did not go over well. She said, “Don’t be ridiculous. You didn’t mean that at first. Plus, I don’t want to hear that you are sorry that you got yourself into trouble; I want to hear that you feel sorrow for what you did that hurt my feelings.”
I thought about it and still thought that I had a good case, but resigned myself to provide an almost sincere apology and move into the third stage of seeking forgiveness: providing a hug. This appeased her and she proceeded to clean the food off her face, shirt, and couch.
My suggestion: Resist the urge to say that you are sorry when the only remorse you feel is for the situation you have gotten yourself into. That doesn’t count as being sorry. And if you do make that mistake, be sure to say sorry.
One Response to “Lesson 4: Sorry For Being Sorry”
Generally, I think the Donkey’s advice of offering only sincere apologies is good. This all depends on the family situation you grew up in, however. My wife’s family growing up almost never said sorry. After a conflict, they wouldn’t talk to each other for a while, and then do something nice to make up. In my family, we are very verbal and say sorry a lot for the many insensitive things that come spewing out of our entirely too large mouths. Given my upbringing and my polished and practiced expert ability to apologize, after getting married, I was baffled to find that apologizing after a fight often made things worse. I later discoverd that my apology just reminded the wife about what she was mad about before, causing another fierce burst of anger. I have learned to just let it blow over and then do something nice for her to make up. Go figure.
By Vatermann on Oct 8, 2007