WifeAdvice.com

The family that plays together…

Some people see a picture of a family like this and have warm fuzzies. I may have had these thoughts before having kids, but here’s what this image represents to me at this point in my life:

• Packing lunches, extra clothes and all sorts of toys
• A long drive
• Muddy clothes
• Replacement clothing costs
• Near drownings
• Sibling sabotage in the ocean
• Muddy car ride home
• Buying some kind of treat on the way home
• Muddy house
• Over-tired, cranky kids

I thought about this the other day when I looked out my back window and saw a woman playing with kids in my neighbor’s backyard. They played for hours on the trampoline, on the playhouse and in the yard. The next day I looked out my window and saw her playing with the kids again. I was surprised to see that she spent another 2 hours outside playing.  On the third day I looked out and nearly fell over when I saw everyone playing outside for a third day in a row. I had my wife inspect the situation and asked her if this woman was the kids’ mother. She replied that it was not their mother.

“Oh, this makes much more sense,” I said. “It must be a babysitter while the parents are on vacation. No one plays with their kids that much.” My wife and I had a rare moment of agreement and had the kids watch a little more television while we went back to work.

Darn, I need to do better.

What did you think? Marriage is nirvana, full of flowers, bonbons, love and passion? No way. Today’s the 20th anniversary of the release of Nevermind – the best album ever! Long live Nirvana. And I guess marriage. And I guess I’ll thrown in babies since they apply to both.

Communication Degeneration

Have you ever heard this quote? Failing to plan is planning to fail. I think it’s been around forever but it’s a cute little phrase that people use in time management and project management courses. There is some merit to it, but I don’t think it has a place in marriage. Let me share a very recent conversation that has been quite typical in my marriage over the past 12 years.

Background: My grandparents are getting pretty old and I figure they will be dead soon. I want to capture as many stories from them that I can before it’s too late, so I am trying to plan a trip to see them. I mentioned this idea to my wife a few days ago and she seemed supportive. Then I approached her with some information.

Donkey: Do you have a minute to talk about this trip I have been thinking about to see my grandparents? I have a few ideas I want to run by you.
Wife: I don’t understand what your problem is. Why bother asking me? I heard you talking to your brother and making plans, so go do what you want.
Donkey: Well, no plans have been made. I looked into some options and want to discuss with you. That’s why I am here. I have some information and ideas now.
Wife: You should have talked to me first about it.
Donkey: Talked about what? There would be no plans to discuss. I needed to gather information before we could talk.
Wife: No, you could have talked to me about it first.
Donkey: I am confused. Here, let me play out the conversation according to what you are proposing, but I will switch the roles. Tell me what you think.

(Donkey now plays both roles, adding a high pitched voice when speaking as the Wife)
Wife: I want to see my grandparents before they are dead. What do you think?
Donkey: I don’t know. When are you thinking?
Wife: I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to talk to you first.
Donkey: Would we drive or fly? What are the costs?
Wife: I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to talk to you first.
Donkey: Do any of your siblings want to come? Are we going to visit your grandfather first and then driving down to see your grandmother?
Wife: I don’t know, that’s why I wanted to talk to you first.
Donkey: It seems like you should do some research, make a plan, and then propose something to me. How can I make a decision with no information?
Wife: Stop asking me all these questions. It’s so confusing and complex. I just thought I could walk in and and we could figure it out. Why can’t we just decide together? Love should be able to figure this out, not the Internet or common sense. You must not love me.

(Donkey is now out of character)
Donkey: I think the point has been made. Case closed. The jury can be excused.
Wife (shuts the door): Just go do what you want.

I tip my hat to husbands everywhere and encourage you to keep planning despite how illogical it may sound to our wives. Long live logic!

An infinite problem

Have you ever noticed that people respond in very similar ways when stressed out? It’s a natural thing for everyone. It’s the same type of thing that occurs when I step on a Lego piece in the house – I yell out the same phrase every time. Do you notice this same thing in your spouse? I certainly do, but it’s only been recently that I’ve noticed that my wife loves using the number 8. And it normally occurs when she is stressed out about the number of things that she has on her to-do list. For example, I’ll say, “When are you going to help me find a doctor?” And she’ll say, “When I finish the other 8 things on my list.” Fair enough. Recently, however, I’ve noticed that she has now moved to new levels of the number 8.

A few months ago a conversation went something like this, “How come you still haven’t ordered a cover for my new phone?” She responded, “Because I have about 18,000 other things on my mind.” Wow, I thought. It’s gonna be a while. Then last week I said, “When are you going to help me put the lawn edger together?” She said, “When I finish the 8 million things that I have to do.” Wait a minute. I can’t hang around for that long.

Why the number 8? What is it about 8 that fascinates my wife? Here are a few interesting things that might be down deep in her subconscious which drive this love for the number 8.

• Perhaps it’s because 8 is a power of 2 and we are 2 people who should have power
• It could be a result of the religious importance of the number 8 (Hanukkah is 8 days, there are 8 Beatitudes, the Buddhist symbol Dharmacakra has 8 spokes representing the noble eightfold path)
• Or maybe it has something to do with it’s musical importance (8 notes between octaves, 8-track player
  
• Maybe she fears the fact that seven ate nine
• Possibly it’s because there were 8 maids-a-milking
• 8 is similar to the sign for infinity and might represent all of the work my wife thinks she needs to do
• Could it have anything to do with Crazy 8s?
• The words eight and ate are homophones. Perhaps this is important to her because she likes to eat and ate is a form of the word eat

Any other thoughts?

Under Pressure

Scene: The Wife returned from a shopping trip to obtain new running shoes.

Donkey: Did you find new shoes?

Wife: Yeah, I got a pair on sale actually!

Donkey: Oh good.  How long will this pair last you?

Wife: The people at the store said you can usually run on them for about 400 miles.

Donkey: Wait.  But do they have to prorate that based on your weight?

Wife: I have no idea.

Donkey: It seems like they should. Do you think you’d still be able to get 400 miles out of yours?

Wife: (walks out of room)

Sound the alarm! All hands on deck!

My wife and I recently moved into a new home.  She was excited to finally have a garage.  I assumed it was because she would no longer need to scrape snow off the van; little did I know that a simple garage door is an integral part of a wife warning system

It’s amazing to consider all of the alert systems and warnings that exist to protect us from danger. Submarines, for example have a complex warning sytem–6 levels of alarms that vary from most  to least severe. Oddly enough the lowest priority alert is something called the Power Plant Casualty alarm (aka Propulsion Plant Casualty alarm), and it signifies a problem in the engine room. The most severe alarm is the Collision alarm, and it warns of imminent collisions or flooding on the ship.

But did you know women have similar alert systems in place for when their husbands come home after a grueling day?! Most wives want to look busy and industrious when their husbands walk through the door. What woman wants to be spotted wallowing on the couch with the latest Suzanne Collins book and an over-sized bag of bon-bons? I have to admit that I will overlook a trashed house if my wife looks busy cleaning when I walk through the door. What I can’t answer is, “Has she been busy for hours or merely a few seconds?” The answer all depends on how responsive she is to an intricate alert system that women have been using for years. This system notifies them when to drop the book and candy bag and get into gear. These alerts have morphed over time, but I am proud to say that I have cracked the code and present husbands around the world with the information that has been helping wives elude detection for years. Below is the alert system from highest priority to lowest.

Nooner Notification – Don’t read too much into the title. This is usually the earliest warning signal and occurs during lunchtime. The wife takes a moment to text, chat or call her husband to find out what the plans are for the rest of the day. Experienced wives may have their husbands trained to initiate contact during lunch.

End of Day IM/Text - This is initiated by the wife usually about 30-60 minutes before the husband is scheduled to leave work. The wife sends a simple message to determine if the husband is likely to arrive at home according to schedule. According to my secondary research, 34% of women ignore the first alert and start here.

‘On My Way” Call - This is something the husband initiates right when he is leaving the office. Clever wives also have their husbands trained to do this.

Road Call – This is a call that the wife will typically make after the husband has left work. It’s a check-in to determine how many minutes away the husband is. Are there any spontaneous stops in the forecast? Can she make it through another commercial break or chapter of her steamy book?

Neighbor Notification – This is the step in the system that blew me away during my primary research. Currently this alert is in the form of a phone call or text from the first house on the block. You see, the woman of this first house is responsible to call all of the other wives on the street once she spots their husbands’ vehicles. It’s imperative for her to relay the message to the wives to let them know that their husbands are almost home. This seems like a daunting task for her, but my sources indicate that tributaries are paid to this woman in the form of free babysitting, free haircuts, and of course bon-bons and recycled love novels. Previous forms of notification included smoke signals, animal calls (most likely cat), and mirror signaling.

Garage Door – This is the last line of defense; the final alert. When a wife hears the garage door opening, she knows only seconds remain before the husband enters his castle. There is just enough time to slide the book under the cushion and dive across the kitchen to hide the bon-bons and pick up a sponge. If she ignores the alert, a collision between man and woman is set into motion; the results of which could be as disastrous as a submarine colliding with an immovable iceberg.

Note: Technology savvy wives have been known to tap into work calendars the night before to review the husbands’ following day, thus adding yet another step to the alert system.

What can husbands do? Is there no combating this web of protection? The simplest option is a quick check of the wife’s pulse. 150+ Beats Per Minute (BPM) indicates that a level 1 alert was raised. Anything under 65 BPM typically indicates a level 6. If you come home and your wife is working while maintaining a fairly regular heart beat, you can be assured that she is either playing it safe by heeding early warning signals or she is truly striving to maintain order in the home.

You made your bed..

I decided to provide my own answer to my last question regarding bed size and level of intimacy. Is there a correlation? The simple answer is yes. However, from the comments on this site and from discussions with friends, it seems like there is a clear division in opinion: some believe the smaller bed produces higher levels of intimacy and others believe the larger bed produces higher levels.

I’ve illustrated the two scenarios below. (click to see larger version)

In the smaller bed we find the couple close together with really nowhere to run [Note the fear on the husband's face as he foresees the inevitable]. I recognize that intimacy in a small bed may not be that likely in the summer, especially if you don’t have air conditioning. Who isn’t irritable when some sweaty creature touches her stubbly legs to yours? Yuck! This is supported by the fact that most babies–in the U.S. at least– are born in the summer months. The small bed sees the most action when it’s cold, 9 months earlier.

In the second scenario we find the couple spread out as far as possible. To the woman’s surprise she can’t find her husband in the dark. It turns out that he’s hiding on the other side of the bed in the opposite corner [Again, note the fear on the husband's face, only this time it's because he thinks he might be found].

Based on my informal study I have determined that larger beds see less action, regardless of weather conditions. There are several possibilities for this including:

• scared husbands purposely buy large beds so they can hide
• people who can afford large beds don’t have time for intimacy
• large beds are typically creakier since they are damaged more easily through the moving process and thus used less often
• large beds are typically owned by larger people who may be less intimate than smaller people
• large beds are covered by even more pillows and decorations than smaller beds making it impossible to even get into the bed

These are just ideas; I have no supporting data.

So next time you visit your friends’ house or your parents’ house, check out the bedroom and take note of the bed size. I think you’ll find that on this point I’m right more often than not.

Leading the witness

I’m not a prisoner and don’t want to be even though marriage may feel like that for some people. Other people of course, not me. And this situation doesn’t really fit the classic definition of a prisoner’s dilemma. And I’m certainly not a witness.

But I do feel like I am close to being held captive. And this is a dilemma. And I do feel like I am being led down a dark path.

While driving in the car yesterday my wife suddenly said, “You have an opportunity to score some points. You can say something nice.”

As feeling slowly left my legs and my stomach rolled like the ocean, I desperately tried to interpret this. Why didn’t she just tell me what happened so I could praise her? We both could have won. Instead, she gave me the opportunity to win big or lose big. The crazy thing is that if I lose she will be angry and also lose. I guess the payout is good for her if I can imagine up whatever she wants me to say – she would be really happy.

“Well, you did a great job organizing the office,” I said. “Was that it?” She replied with a no. ” I then pleaded, “Why don’t you give me a hint so I can try to be your mind.” She was a little annoyed and said to forget it. Just then we got interrupted.

I ask you now, what could she have meant? I need some ideas before she asks me again. I don’t think it had to do with looks because she just mentioned that she hasn’t had a haircut for a while and her clothes looked pretty standard. It must be something she accomplished.

Name that tune

I know lots of you dads are subjected to the endless cds of kids sing along songs while driving in the car. Some of the most annoying ones are John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, Six Little Ducks, She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain, The Green Grass Grew All Around, and of course The Song That Doesn’t End. If you are really unlucky, your wife might even play these in the house.

I’ve recently been spending more time in the car with the kids and have noticed several things about these songs. First, many have a religious tone. I was surprised to see Battle Hymn of the Republic on a ton of kids cds. I think that can be a good thing. Second, there are a lot about men. You should search it if you don’t believe me. I think I’ve found at least 15 with some guy’s name in the title. I guess that’s not too bad, but I’ve also noticed a third thing: they seem to be laced with double meanings and weird messages. Some are less obvious than others but trust me on this too. I want to focus on a song that involves the second and third realizations I’ve just discovered.

The song is called John Brown’s Baby. There are only two lines in the entire song, but like most of these songs, kids sing the lines over and over again which causes the adult mind to tune out the lyrics while innocent children are brainwashed. The lines are:

John Brown’s baby had a cold upon his chest
So they rubbed it with camphorated oil.

That’s not too bad, but after these lines are sung several times the children are encouraged to remove a word and replace it with a silly sound effect. Typically the first word removed is ‘baby.’ On our cd the word is replaced with a noise that sounds like a penny whistle. Kids sing the lines a few times and then remove a second word which is usually ‘cold.’ This is also replaced with a strange sound effect. At this point there are now two words which are replaced by sounds. This continues until you hear this:

John Brown’s (blank) had a (blank) upon its (blank)
So they (blanked) it with (blank) oil.

I don’t think I would have caught this clever deception if it weren’t for the weird penny whistle sound that immediately followed John Brown’s name. Come on. Am I to really believe that this song wasn’t made up by a bunch of inmates during recess time on the shanking field? This had to be the strangest thing I have ever heard in my life, and my wife was supporting the entire thing! I guess I’m no longer the number one offender for letting kids watch/listen to questionable material.

(NOTE: I tried to find a link so you could hear the song about John Brown’s blank and judge for yourself, but I can only find sites that require a download and don’t want to promote them. Maybe someone can find it for everyone else.)