Sound the alarm! All hands on deck!
My wife and I recently moved into a new home. She was excited to finally have a garage. I assumed it was because she would no longer need to scrape snow off the van; little did I know that a simple garage door is an integral part of a wife warning system
It’s amazing to consider all of the alert systems and warnings that exist to protect us from danger. Submarines, for example have a complex warning sytem–6 levels of alarms that vary from most to least severe. Oddly enough the lowest priority alert is something called the Power Plant Casualty alarm (aka Propulsion Plant Casualty alarm), and it signifies a problem in the engine room. The most severe alarm is the Collision alarm, and it warns of imminent collisions or flooding on the ship.
But did you know women have similar alert systems in place for when their husbands come home after a grueling day?! Most wives want to look busy and industrious when their husbands walk through the door. What woman wants to be spotted wallowing on the couch with the latest Suzanne Collins book and an over-sized bag of bon-bons? I have to admit that I will overlook a trashed house if my wife looks busy cleaning when I walk through the door. What I can’t answer is, “Has she been busy for hours or merely a few seconds?” The answer all depends on how responsive she is to an intricate alert system that women have been using for years. This system notifies them when to drop the book and candy bag and get into gear. These alerts have morphed over time, but I am proud to say that I have cracked the code and present husbands around the world with the information that has been helping wives elude detection for years. Below is the alert system from highest priority to lowest.
Nooner Notification – Don’t read too much into the title. This is usually the earliest warning signal and occurs during lunchtime. The wife takes a moment to text, chat or call her husband to find out what the plans are for the rest of the day. Experienced wives may have their husbands trained to initiate contact during lunch.
End of Day IM/Text - This is initiated by the wife usually about 30-60 minutes before the husband is scheduled to leave work. The wife sends a simple message to determine if the husband is likely to arrive at home according to schedule. According to my secondary research, 34% of women ignore the first alert and start here.
‘On My Way” Call - This is something the husband initiates right when he is leaving the office. Clever wives also have their husbands trained to do this.
Road Call – This is a call that the wife will typically make after the husband has left work. It’s a check-in to determine how many minutes away the husband is. Are there any spontaneous stops in the forecast? Can she make it through another commercial break or chapter of her steamy book?
Neighbor Notification – This is the step in the system that blew me away during my primary research. Currently this alert is in the form of a phone call or text from the first house on the block. You see, the woman of this first house is responsible to call all of the other wives on the street once she spots their husbands’ vehicles. It’s imperative for her to relay the message to the wives to let them know that their husbands are almost home. This seems like a daunting task for her, but my sources indicate that tributaries are paid to this woman in the form of free babysitting, free haircuts, and of course bon-bons and recycled love novels. Previous forms of notification included smoke signals, animal calls (most likely cat), and mirror signaling.
Garage Door – This is the last line of defense; the final alert. When a wife hears the garage door opening, she knows only seconds remain before the husband enters his castle. There is just enough time to slide the book under the cushion and dive across the kitchen to hide the bon-bons and pick up a sponge. If she ignores the alert, a collision between man and woman is set into motion; the results of which could be as disastrous as a submarine colliding with an immovable iceberg.
Note: Technology savvy wives have been known to tap into work calendars the night before to review the husbands’ following day, thus adding yet another step to the alert system.
What can husbands do? Is there no combating this web of protection? The simplest option is a quick check of the wife’s pulse. 150+ Beats Per Minute (BPM) indicates that a level 1 alert was raised. Anything under 65 BPM typically indicates a level 6. If you come home and your wife is working while maintaining a fairly regular heart beat, you can be assured that she is either playing it safe by heeding early warning signals or she is truly striving to maintain order in the home.